Santana a Journey to Self
by thesilentpath
Summary: After confessing her love to Brittany at the end of "Sexy" and being rejected Santana has been dealing with a deep depression.  After Regionals  "Original Song"  she fell into a state of black depression for 4 days that she is now coming back from...
1. Chapter 1: Rumors

**Title:** Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 1: Rumors

**Character(s):** Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Rachel Berry

**Rating:** T for language

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort/Depression/Coming Out

**Description:** The story begins on the first Tuesday following Regionals. Santana is dealing with intense depression over her relationship with Brittany and her sexuality. Rachel Berry is the only classmate that is fully aware of Santana's feelings for Brittany and her confusion about her sexuality. Something happened over the weekend between Santana and Rachel that has caused them to start a tentative friendship...

* * *

_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

_I welcome feedback and suggestions._

_This is a Brittana story, but I will be focusing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will pursue the relationship with Brittany later into the story._

_I am going to be sticking to mostly canon personalities as best as I am able. The only LGBT characters are Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Blaine, and Karofsky._

_I may introduce a love interest for Santana later in the story as a plot device to further the relationship between Brittany and Santana._

_This story takes place after the events of "Sexy" and "Original Song". Regionals took place on Friday. For four days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) Santana went through a period of intense depression which is alluded to in the story and described in Chapter 3 through flashbacks._

* * *

**Chapter 1: Rumors**

_6:00 AM Tuesday - William McKinley High parking lot..._

I take a quick glance through my rear view mirror as I turn into the William McKinley parking lot. Thank god my Dad got me this car, it's used and old, but he made sure it was clean and running great. It doesn't even look half bad for an old car, its red and even better a 4 door so I can take Mercedes, Tina, and Mike out for rides. When I'm in a really good mood I'll sometimes give Berry a ride home from school, but that's only on a really frigging good day. I hate that she lives so close to me, it's annoying to be in the same fucking neighbourhood as Rachel fucking Berry. Why did her dad's have to live in Lima Heights for god's sake.

After yesterday I might never give Rachel a ride again, can't that girl keep her mouth shut for 5 minutes and stay out of my business. Rachel absolutely insisted on talking about _**her**_ and I shut that down right away, I don't want to talk about _**her**_ right now, I can't even think _**her**_ name in my head without breaking down in tears. B... no stop, don't say it, not even your head, don't think it, don't, no, no, no, no.

Darn tears, stop crying Lopez, stop crying now. I look at myself in the mirror and grab the box of Kleenex beside me. I stopped wearing mascara and eyeliner for the last while, my eyes just get messed up if I do. I take a deep breath, calm, relax, calm, relax. You can get through another day of school, you can.

Damn Rachel and her meddling, just when I think I have this under control she stirs it up again. I suppose she means well, I know she knows about me, and she does keep her mouth shut about it to everyone else. I check my cell to see what time it is, and surprise surprise Berry has sent me a text message. Well it's too frigging late for me to pick her up, I am already at school. I got up really early this morning, I wanted to run on the track and try to get rid of my anger and frustration and this damn unending sadness that just won't go away. I am so tired of crying all the time, it's getting ridiculous.

I am Santana fucking Lopez, and I don't cry at school, only wimps cry. I won't cry, stop crying damn it. Sheesh I am such a basket case these days. Time for more Kleenex.

I look at the text message from Rachel. _Santana be careful at school, rumors on facebook/myspace. About you! Call me please!_

SHIT! What the hell is she talking about, and why is she my new best friend, I can't believe how much I dislike her sometimes. I think she is afraid I am going to break down and ruin our chance at Nationals. There is always some catch with Rachel. Oh well, since she is already awake messaging me, I might as well call her. At least I can have the satisfaction of making her late for school. I dial her number.

"Hi Santana."

"Berry what's up, what's with the cryptic message about rumors."

"I checked my myspace this morning, and saw some postings about the glee club on my page."

"So what's the big deal about that, people put nasty comments on your myspace all the time. Heck, I put nasty comments on your myspace."

"Sometime I want to talk to you about that, I wish you would stop Santana. Anyway, what I was getting at was that it was a bit different than usual, they were saying all the girls in glee club must be dykes if Santana Lopez is one."

"WHAT!" I can't stop from shouting in the phone. "You're not serious, who the hell posted that, I will kick their fucking ass!"

"It was Karofsky, Santana, he posted it. It wasn't just my page either, it was all of ours, everyone in Glee club. Some people must have heard you talking to Br.."

"Don't say her name, I can't take that right now."

"...talking to her in the hallways."

Now the tears are starting to come down again. Darn it, I hate crying when Berry can hear me. I try to hold the sobs back but I can't, this isn't good news at all.

"Santana, are you still there, can you hear me?"

"Yes." I whisper into the phone, trying not to let her hear the breaks in my voice.

"It was going to happen eventually, I know you were still trying to work through things."

"Darn it Rachel, I hate talking about this shit, I hate labels, why can't everyone let it go, she fucking said NO!." I practically scream into the phone, all the pain and sorrow coming out in a blast at Rachel.

Probably better I vent it out on her than break down in school anyway. I think maybe that's why she keeps pestering me when we are alone so that I get it off my chest when no one else is around. She is such a fucking meddler, if she put as much effort into getting Finn back as she does meddling she would have him back already.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I am just not ready to deal with this crap yet.

"How bad are the comments Rachel?"

"It's pretty bad Santana, lots of people are posting on your myspace and facebook profiles. It's kind of like they don't think you have the popularity to stop them anymore. Karofsky got all his football and hockey buddies to post things on your profiles."

"Rachel, log into my profiles and delete them, right now, take them down!" I wait while I hear her shifting to her desk and her laptop.

"K, give me your info Santana."

I give her the username and password for my facebook and myspace. Damn it, I should have checked them, I haven't bothered since before Regionals on Friday. I was too depressed to check anything all weekend, I just stayed in my room blasting music on my ipod. As much as Rachel bugs me sometimes I am glad she is such a nerd today otherwise I would have walked into school without being prepared. This is going to be bad, I am not sure I have the strength for this yet. I am so tempted to skip school today, but where I am going to go, if I go home my Mom will wonder what's up and I am not ready to tell her yet. Darn it she is going to find out now, when the family sees my facebook and myspace are gone they are going to start asking questions.

"It's done Santana, I deleted your accounts. I backed up your pictures for you too, I can put them on a CD if you want."

She is such a fucking nerd sometimes, can't believe she actually backed up my pictures for me.

"Thanks Rachel, I appreciate that."

"Do you want to pick me up, we can talk on the way to school."

"It's too late, I came here already I was going to jog on the track before school starts."

"Did you bring a change of clothes with you?"

"Just my track stuff and the outfit I am wearing, why?"

"They might try to slushie you!"

"Fuck that, I'll kill them if they try."

"Still, they might get you when you aren't ready for it. Do you want me to bring something for you to wear just in case."

"Do you have anything in your wardrobe other than clothes for 12 year olds? Seriously Rachel have you never looked at a fashion magazine in your life. For a girl who wants to go to New York someday you have the fashion sense of a frigging toad."

I hear her sigh in the phone, she is trying not to get mad at me. Damn it, even fucking Rachel Berry thinks I am too damaged to take her being mad at me. This so fucking sucks, I hate this crap, why can't I go back in time and erase everything in the past two weeks. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

"I have a sundress, is that ok?"

"I guess it will have to do, please tell me it's not pink with bunnies all over it."

"It's plain white, it should fit you, it's below my knees so it shouldn't be too short for you."

"I guess it will do, I have my leather jacket today, so I can put my jacket over it."

"If they go after you Santana it will be before first bell or at lunch probably."

"I guess I'll try to keep my head down, at least I am here already, I can hit the track and get to homeroom before anyone else comes."

"Santana, maybe you should talk to Kurt."

"What can he do from fucking Dalton Rachel, Kurt and Blaine aren't going to be able to help me today."

"I think you should talk to them about what you're going through Santana, you need to talk to someone, and I know you don't want to talk to me about it."

"What can any of you do Rachel, nothing, she said no, there is nothing else to say, she is with fucking McCripple Pants, and I can't do anything about it."

"Santana you can't do this by yourself, you need help, I have two gay dad's, I can maybe give you some advice, just talk to me please."

"Fuck Rachel, how many times do I have to tell you I don't want to talk about fucking labels, I just want to get back to normal and forget everything that happened."

I hear her sigh in the phone again, she is so fucking obvious, I can picture the stupid expressions on her face while she collects her thoughts. She is so fucking annoying and such a meddler. I won't ever tell her that I sort of appreciate her trying, it's been a bit easier to cope having Berry to vent on in private without anyone else hearing.

"At least think about talking to Kurt, please promise me you will consider it."

"Will it shut you up if I say yes?"

"For now."

"You are such a fucking meddler sometimes Rachel, if you put all this effort you put meddling into my business into getting fucking Finn back, you would have him already."

"Look Santana, I am only trying to help, and I am going to get Finn back, so shut up about it."

Nice, got a rise out of her at last, I can hear the temper rising in her voice, it's fun to get her hackles up, she is so hung up on Finn it's easy.

"I am going to go jogging Rachel, I'll see you when you get to school."

"I'll keep the dress in my locker Santana, just text me if you need it." Her voice is back to neutral, she has a lot more self restraint than I do, have to give her credit for that.

"Ok, and Rachel."

"Yes?"

"Thanks for giving me the heads up, I know I can be a super bitch most of the time, but I do appreciate it."

"Thanks Santana, I'll see you..."

I hang up my cell, conversation is over anyway.


	2. Chapter 2: A Running Confession

**Title:** Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 2: A Running Confession

**Character(s):** Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Sam Evans, and Coach Beiste

**Rating:** T for language

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort/Depression/Coming Out

**Description:** Santana is dealing with intense depression over Brittany and coming to terms with herself. Rachel Berry is the only one of her classmates that is fully aware of what's going on. In the previous chapter Rachel found out that school bullies defaced Santana's MySpace and Facebook pages. Santana had Rachel delete her profiles. They both expect that Santana is going to get grief at school today. Santana is at school early and is going jogging on the track to try and figure out some things before class...

* * *

_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

_I welcome feedback and suggestions._

_This is a Brittana story, but I will be focusing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will pursue the relationship with Brittany later into the story._

_I am going to be sticking to mostly canon personalities as best as I am able. The only LGBT characters are Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Blaine, and Karofsky._

_I may introduce a love interest for Santana later in the story as a plot device to further the relationship between Brittany and Santana._

_This story takes place after the events of "Sexy" and "Original Song". Regionals took place on Friday. For four days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) Santana went through a period of intense depression which is alluded to in the story and described in Chapter 3 through flashbacks._

* * *

**Chapter 2: A Running Confession**

_Tuesday morning before classes, approximately 6:30am._

Shit this is going to be a crappy day. Luckily not too many people are here, just some of the track and field kids are doing warm ups out on the field. Coach Beiste is out there, so no one will bother me while I am running. Maybe I better say hi to her at least this morning, just so she sees I am running on the track. I hate admitting to being a little scared as I walk toward the school, but I can't help feeling a shiver of fear at what might happen today, Kurt's life was a living hell before he transferred to Dalton. I could tell Rachel was holding stuff back about what she saw on my facebook and myspace pages before I had her delete the profiles. It's probably best that I never read them myself, as much as I get annoyed with Rachel sometimes, at least I know she has my back on difficult crap like this.

"Hi Coach Beiste, how are you this morning."

"Santana, your here pretty early aren't you?"

"Just wanting to do some laps before school Coach, I am starting to lose some of my conditioning from cheerleader practice now that I'm not a Cheerio anymore."

"Well don't overdo it Santana, if you haven't been working out for a while, don't push yourself too hard, and make sure you do warm ups first young lady."

"I will Coach, can you wave me down when you're finished out here to remind to go shower before homeroom bell."

"Ok, not a problem, I'll make sure you have 30 minutes before the bell. Do you want me or one of the students to time your laps?"

"Nah, that's ok Coach, I doubt I will be that fast that I need to be timed."

"Well we still need more women runners in track Santana, so you could still get a varsity jacket, and you were on the cheerleading team for a few years weren't you."

"I'll keep it in mind Coach, well I better get started."

Coach Beiste gives me a wave off toward the running track and she heads over to talk to some of the other kids working on their high jump runs.

Might as well take her advice and do a proper set of warm-ups and stretches. After 2 years under Coach Sylvester the warm ups are like second nature to me now, I don't even need to think to get back into the old routine. It's nice to be out here on my own, kinda peaceful for once, no one pestering me, no one looking at me funny.

Darn it, Sam, what the heck is he doing here. Shit, crap, damn. Did he tell me that he was trying out for track? I can't remember, I barely listen to anything he says as it is. Seriously, I must be the worst girlfriend in the universe, I am surprised he hasn't broken up with me already. After I made my confession to_**her**_ I haven't made out with Sam at all.

Stop crying Santana, stop crying, don't think about _**her**_.

I wonder if he realizes why I dragged him into that stupid celibacy club. I am starting to realize how much I don't like boys touching me, I always knew they made me uncomfortable, and I never liked it.

Sheesh, I need to breakup with Sam before this goes any further, I have to stop being a bitch to him every day. For the last two weeks every time he asked me on a date I shut him down and told him I was too busy getting ready for Regionals or that I needed to do homework. He believed me because with all the Glee practice we had to do we were all falling behind on homework.

Crap, I just remembered, Rachel said those idiots posted crap about me on all the Glee club member's online profiles. Sam probably checked his last night, he is suck a geek sometimes, why can't that boy be like other jocks and not look at his frigging computer. Seriously that boy knows way too much about Avatar, as much as I like the movie, I am sick of watching it with him.

I keep doing my jumping jacks as he approaches, hoping he will get the hint and think he shouldn't interrupt me. I can see the expression on his face, he has that serious "I need to talk" look that he gets, darn it, I am going to have to talk about the crap with him. Why can't everyone just leave me alone for a month till I get my head on straight, why do I have to keep dealing with all this shit. Why did I even say anything to _**her**_. Stop, stop, don't think about _**her**_, don't start crying in front of Sam.

"Morning Santana, you going for a jog?"

"Yeah, Hi Sam. I forgot you were trying out for men's track. Did you get a placement yet?"

I keep doing my warm ups while we talk, I definitely want to start running soon, then I'll actually get some privacy for once.

"Umm, San, there's some stuff I need to talk to you about, do you mind if we talk for a few minutes?"

I knew it, no escape for Ms. Santana Lopez this morning. I can't help but give a frustrated sigh and he just gives me that goofy look of his. He really does have a big mouth too, he is such a pretty boy, probably that's why he is the longest heterosexual relationship I have ever had, he looks a lot like a girl sometimes.

"Ok, Sam, I'll do warm up stretches while we talk. What's up?"

I drop onto the grass to start doing some sit down stretches, I even try to be polite by keeping my eyes on his, instead of looking away like I usually do.

I am going to have to resolve this relationship this morning, I have no choice, there is going to be way too much crap to deal with for the rest of the week with all the rumours going around, I can't drag Sam into it. The old Santana would just want to keep dating Sam to keep up pretences, but I can't do it anymore, I just can't force myself to even want to kiss him. He is the most effeminate guy I could possibly date at this school outside of Kurt Hummel, and I am just not attracted to him.

Bleh, I hate thinking about this shit, guess I am going to be single when classes start. Oh well it was going to happen eventually, hopefully I can get through this conversation without bawling like a baby. My emotions are just hanging by a thread right now, but I need to get this done, I can't keep dragging Sam along in my business, it's not fair to him, and he doesn't need to be in it.

Wow, what the heck is wrong with me, I never gave a shit about hurting the boys before, I couldn't care less if they got hurt. Maybe its cause he looks like a big puppy, and I hate the thought of kicking him anymore, feel like I am going to be arrested for animal abuse or something.

"Well, umm, it's just that..." He is practically stuttering, obviously doesn't know where to start.

Seriously and people think _**she**_ is dumb. Stop, Stop, don't think about _**her**_ focus on trouty mouth, focus on trouty mouth, focus on trouty mouth. No crying Santana.

"Let me start for you Sam, you saw something on the Internet about me right? Something about me being into girls? That's what you want to know about right?"

"Yeah actually, did you see the stuff they posted about you?"

"I didn't read it actually, but someone else told me it was there."

"Yeah, I noticed you didn't respond to any of my calls, texts, or emails all weekend, and we barely talked on Monday."

"I was in a bad mood on Monday and just wanted to get through classes without snapping someone's head off."

"Ok, I understand San. But what's up with those things people are writing about you."

"Sam, I don't mean to change the subject, well I sorta want to change the subject to be honest, but we'll get back to those messages in a sec. I want to ask you a few things and I want you to be one hundred percent honest with me ok."

I stop stretching now, and just sit facing him on the grass, I try to give him a sincere serious expression, I need him to take this seriously. He sits down on the grass too, and faces me.

"Umm, ok San, go ahead and ask me and I will be honest."

"Sam, are you still attracted to Quinn? Are you still in love with Quinn?"

He thinks for a moment, trying to prepare that I might yell at him. He doesn't realize I know the answer, and I have known all along and just didn't care at all.

"Yeah I sorta do still have some feelings for Quinn, I don't know if its love, but I feel something, I miss her sometimes."

"I am not angry at you Sam, believe me I am not. Would you be surprised to know that I knew you still had feelings for Quinn. I have known the whole time we were dating."

"Why did you date me if you knew I still wanted Quinn."

"Because I was hiding from something, something pretty important, and you were safe because I knew you weren't really into me."

"Is that why you were mean to me so much, so I wouldn't get attached?"

"That's part of it Sam, part of it was that I was really angry and I was venting on you, I shouldn't have done that and I am sorry."

"Were you angry at me, did I do something wrong while we were dating?"

I hear the emphasis on past tense in his voice, he knows it's over and that we are just going through the motions of ending it.

"You didn't do anything wrong at all Sam. In fact you were probably the sweetest and nicest boy I ever dated in my life. Probably the most romantic."

"Why were you angry then, and so mean to me all the time?"

"Well, we have something in common Sam, just like I knew you had feelings for Quinn, I had feelings for someone else that I was hoping I could get over too, and I was angry because those feelings wouldn't go away, and I took that anger out on you."

"Is it Puck, Finn, someone on the football team? I know you were really jealous when Puck started seeing Lauren, is it Puck?"

"It wasn't Puck or any of the other _**boys**_..."

I try to emphasise the word _**boys**_ to him, hoping he might pick it up and help me. This is so hard, I have tried not to admit this to myself. I owe it to him though, I have been angrier and bitchier to Sam than I have to any other of the guys I dated in the past, I took all my anger out on him the whole time we were dating, I at least owe this boy a true explanation. At least maybe there can be one person who might be willing to forgive all my stupid manipulations when they find out the truth about me.

I am starting to tear up, and this time it's because of all the hurt I have caused Sam and not anything else that has gone on. Who woulda thought, Santana Lopez has a heart after all, I thought I lost it sometime when I was like 12 or 13.

"Does this have to do with the rumours Santana, the rumours about your liking girls?"

"It does."

I hate crying in front of boys, but I can't help it now, my heart is burning in my chest and it's not entirely from what I am saying to Sam, it's like a floodgate is opening, I am actually going to admit this stupid crap, I am going to label myself, I hate this.

"Go ahead and ask me Sam, ask it like you mean it, I think I can answer now."

He sees the tears streaming down my cheeks and he knows, he knows deep down inside his soft-hearted chest that I am in pain and that this is going to be really hard for me. I think he knows I am not going to lie to him, that for the first time in the entire time he dated me I am actually going to tell him the truth no matter how painful it is for both of us. I see uncertainty on his face, he isn't sure he wants to hear the answer, there is hurt in his eyes. Oh Santana why did you have to be such a cruel hearted bitch and steal this boy from Quinn, why didn't you just let her break his heart and stay out of it, why couldn't you have just left well enough alone. You competitive nasty bitch. You did this to him, you killed his relationship with Quinn out of revenge and now you have to deal with the fucking consequences.

"Are you bisexual Santana? Is it a girl that you are in love with?"

Santana you better pray to god that this boy can forgive you. If anything could send you to hell it would be what you did to Sam, you used him worse than any boy ever. Why am I talking in my head in frigging 2nd person. This is so damn frustrating, I think it's because I am so split inside.

"I am not sure if I am bisexual Sam, I am attracted to girls, and I am in love with a girl."

"Doesn't that mean you are bisexual though?"

"Not if I am not sure if I like boys."

There the hurt, it's there I see it. The realization that I am not attracted to him the same way he might have been attracted to me. I know he wasn't as into me as he is into Quinn, but he liked me enough to still want to date me for several weeks. He is realizing that I might not have liked him at all in that way and he is so incredibly hurt, I can see it in his eyes.

"Did you ever like me Santana, all the time we were kissing, and making out, did you ever like it?"

His voice is cracking and he is on the verge of tears, this is hurting him more than I ever thought possible, I wish I hadn't stolen him from Quinn, this is going to be my greatest regret, that I hurt this boy for no other reason than my pride, vanity, and pretence at being straight. I used him to play pretend straight girl and be popular at school. I am evil, I really am evil, I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve _**her**_, this is how I am being punished, I have to be alone, no one will ever want me, I am bad, I am evil, I am mean, I am a bitch.

"I am so sorry Sam, I am so sorry."

I jump up and wrap my arms around him, sobbing into his shoulder, holding him so tight. Why couldn't I like him, why couldn't I be attracted to him. Sure he was goofy and geeky, but he was the nicest guy I ever met. He was sweet and compassionate and so kind and gentle. He was so romantic. Why couldn't I love you Sam, why couldn't I be straight for you. Because my heart was filled with _**her**_ and there is no room in it for anyone else and there never was. All those years pretending to be straight and going out with boys, it was all such a waste when all I ever wanted was _**her**_. Now I have lost _**her**_, and I have to hurt this boy and tear his heart out.

"Sam, please know I never intended to hurt you like this. I have been so confused about who I am, and I am still really confused, and not sure what is going to happen to me. But I promise you I tried to be your girlfriend, as hard as I was able to. I never meant to do this to you."

"Why did you date me Santana?"

I hesitate to answer, but I have to be honest with him, I can't lie.

"There were two reasons and they are both bad Sam. The first is that I was trying to get back at Quinn for stealing the cheerleader captain position from me."

I can see he almost wants to push me away, anger and dislike flashing in his eyes as he realizes how much of an evil bitch I am. I am being punished, all this pain is punishment, I don't deserve to be with anyone, I deserve to be alone.

"What is the other reason Santana."

He is crying with me, the pain is open now, I have broken his heart. I don't deserve to be happy, I deserve to be alone. Why did I do this to him.

"I was hiding from myself Sam, trying desperately to convince myself that I am straight, that I..."

I can't stop crying now, it's so hard, I don't want to label myself, I hate labels, I can't do it, I can't do it. I have to do it, I have to be strong, this boy I have hurt deserves an answer, I owe him that much, I promised myself I would be honest to him and I am going to keep my promise no matter how much pain this causes me. He deserves to be the first one I admit it too, he deserves it more than anyone else, I owe him this.

"I didn't want to be gay. I didn't want to like girls and I was trying to use you to convince myself that I don't."

He holds me now, pulling me tight into his chest. It feels like the way a brother should hug me, I wish he was my brother, he is the nicest boy I have ever know, and I can't forgive myself for the way I have hurt him. I can't stop crying, my heart is pounding in my chest, my head feels like it's going to explode.

Sam lets me cry in his arms for what seems like forever, he croons softly in my ear trying to comfort me. He is so compassionate, I can feel him trying to be the protective chivalrous man he is, trying to be strong for me. It's who he is, who he will always be. Whatever girl gets this beautiful sweet boy someday will be getting an amazing gift, and I hope she appreciates it like I appreciate it right now.

"I am sorry for hurting you Sam, I really am. I am sorry for how mean I was, and all the things I did between you and Quinn. I am sorry for taking all my confusion out on you. Mostly I am just sorry that I broke your heart, I hope you can forgive me, please tell me you can forgive me Sam."

He puts his hands on my shoulders pushing me back just a little so I have to look him in the eyes. I don't see hate there, I see only compassion, it's the kind of boy he is, he is kind and sweet and beautiful.

"I forgive you Santana, and I will always be your friend no matter what, I promise."

This is the boy who stood up for Kurt back in October, this is the boy who defended our friend when Finn and Puck couldn't. This is the boy who doesn't judge people for who they are or whom they love. This is a boy who accepts everyone.

"I am hurt by what you did, but I know deep down I used you too. I used you to get back at Quinn for having an affair with Finn. It doesn't matter that you knew I was using you and you were letting me. I still used you as much as you used me."

He pauses, gathering his thoughts, looks into my eyes and smiles at me, a smile of forgiveness.

"We are even Santana, you are not as bad as you think you are."

Yes I am Sam, I am that bad, I have been that bad. Even with your forgiveness I still have so much to make up for, I have still done so many bad things to so many people. Why do you and Rachel have to make this so hard, why do you have to be so forgiving, both of you. No matter how much I hurt Rachel's feelings she always comes back to try and be my friend, she refuses to let me push her away, and now you too, why won't you both hate me, why don't you despise me, I don't deserve friends, I don't deserve anyone. I can't say these words to Sam, I don't want to share this pain with him, I have already taken more than I deserve from him. I need to deal with the self-hatred, regrets, and guilt on my own, I am not ready yet to put that burden on anyone's shoulders but my own.

He can see the guilt in my eyes, the sadness that won't go away, that is going to be there for a long time. All the pain and regret that I can't let go of, my walls are not down all the way, and I can't open my heart to him. He can't heal it, and it's not his problem, I don't want to drag him into any more of my pain than I already have.

"I am so sorry Sam."

I pull him in close again, holding him tight, kissing his cheek. Letting him know how much his friendship means to me.

"I meant what I said Santana, I am still your friend, I am not going anywhere. I will always have your back, you are not alone."

Oh dear sweet Sam why couldn't I have been straight for you, of all the boys I ever dated, you truly deserve to be loved by someone special.

"Thank you Sam, you don't know how much those words mean to me, how much it means that you forgive me. Someday Sam you are going to meet a girl who is as wonderful as you are, you deserve that, you deserve the best."

"I wish I could get Quinn back, I guess I do still love her, as much as you think you hurt me Santana, she hurt me worse. I dated you to hurt her back, that's why I can forgive you Santana, because I am not a saint, I used you too."

I sit in his lap on the grass, my arms wrapped around him.

"This is going to sound a little bit mean Sam, but I guess I am a bit of a bitch, so I am going to give you some advice that comes from a bitchy ex-cheerleader and popularity junky."

The humour in my voice makes him smile, he knows that he is about to get some advice from Santana fucking Lopez, queen bitch of McKinley High.

"Quinn's kryptonite is Rachel Berry. She wants whatever Rachel Berry has. Ask Rachel to prom and you will get Quinn back. If Quinn doesn't go back to you Sam, well give Rachel a chance, for all her annoying habits and serious lack of fashion sense, at least Rachel is a mostly good person."

He looks at me wondering how I can have such an evil mind. I know he is wondering it, I can see it in his eyes. I may be going through emotional turmoil, but I am still a queen bitch.

"Wouldn't that be hurting Rachel though, using her to get at Quinn?"

"Not if you tell Rachel that's what you are doing. Think about it Sam, what does Rachel Berry want more than anything in the world?"

"To be a famous Broadway star."

I can't stop laughing when he says that. It's so true, but I was hoping he would pick the other thing.

"Besides that Sam, what's the other thing Rachel wants?"

"Finn."

"Bingo, give the boy a big giant teddy bear, you win first prize."

"Wow, Santana you really are evil aren't you."

"You better believe it Sam."

"I am kinda glad we are friends and not enemies, I would be a bit scared to be your enemy."

"Well, we are friends, and I promise I won't hurt you again Sam, I really promise."

He hugs me then, pulling me in tight, I wish he was my brother, he would be an awesome brother. Well he is my friend, so that's the next best thing. I am going to need all the friends I can get.

"Let's go running Sam, I need to run. I am tired of crying and worrying."

"Ok, let's see if you can keep up Lopez."

He pulls me up from the grass, finally the goofy smile is back on his face. A small piece of happiness comes back to me, I am glad I told him the truth, it was time I told someone, I am glad I told him first. For once I am going to try and be friends with a guy and not use him for anything but friendship. This isn't a bad start for the new Santana Lopez.

"I think you underestimate me Evans, just cause I am a girl doesn't mean I can't run."

I flash him a smile and take off full speed onto the running track with Sam running to catch up...


	3. Chapter 3: The Black Time

**Title:** Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 3: The Black Time

**Character(s):** Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Rachel Berry, Santana's Parents, Coach Beiste, and Sam Evans

**Rating:** T for language

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort/Depression/Coming Out

**Description:** Santana has come out to Sam Evans and broken up with him. On the weekend following Regionals Santana had an emotional breakdown that she hasn't faced yet...

* * *

_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

_I welcome feedback and suggestions._

_This is a Brittana story, but I will be focusing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will pursue the relationship with Brittany later into the story._

_I am going to be sticking to mostly canon personalities as best as I am able. The only LGBT characters are Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Blaine, and Karofsky._

_I may introduce a love interest for Santana later in the story as a plot device to further the relationship between Brittany and Santana._

_This story takes place after the events of "Sexy" and "Original Song". Regionals took place on Friday. For four days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) Santana went through a period of intense depression which is alluded to in the story and described in Chapter 3 through flashbacks._

* * *

**Chapter 3: The Black Time**

Running on the track with the cool morning air caressing around me brings back memories of old cheerleader practices back when I was still a Cheerio. Did I miss those morning workouts? I think I did. As aggravating as Coach Sylvester was, there is something to be said for having someone push you to do your best every day.

I know Coach Beiste told me to take it easy, but I just can't resist pushing myself, I need this, I need to forget my problems. I need to forget about _**her**_, tears, darn it, don't cry while running Santana. Focus on the track...

Run, just keep running, don't stop running. One foot in front of the other, just keep running...

The track is racing away from me as I run ahead of Sam like I am running for my life. We broke up, he forgave me, we are friends, he is running with me, trying to be there for me even though he is hurt...

It's not Sam I am running from though, I am running from _**her**_ and I know it. My heart is broken...

Focus on the track Santana. Run, just keep running, don't stop running. One foot in front of the other, just keep running...

What else am I running from? Who am I? Am I gay, a lesbian? Am I bisexual? I don't know, I hate fucking labels, why do I need a fucking label. Why can't I just be Santana Lopez and screw everything else? Why do I have to be so confused?

I want to scream at the heavens. Why can't everyone just leave me the fuck alone? I need time to get my head on straight. I need time to handle this stuff. I need time to get over _**her**_...

Run Santana! Just keep running, don't stop running. One foot in front of the other, just keep running...

The track is a blur now, I am just barely keeping it together. I focus on the lines, keeping to my lane, control, pace, breathe, run...

Something happened this weekend, something dark, I went someplace bad in my own head, and I barely came out of it. I have flashes and memories of the weekend that I don't want to think about. The loneliness and despair of not having _**her,**_ it got to me finally, it took two weeks but I finally broke down.

Tears! Damn it I am crying again. At least the wind rips the tears off my face and I push myself to run harder. I am running from the blackness, the despair, the weekend. I run for my life to stay ahead of the blackness that is inside me, the hole in my heart that doesn't seem to want to heal. I run harder than I have run before. Coach Beiste told me to pace myself but I can't, I need to run, I need to escape this darkness inside me, I need to find balance again...

The black time starts to overtake me, no matter how fast I run I can't escape it. It's coming and my mind begins to go back in time to where it all started...

_**Two weeks ago...**_

_Glee Club - singing Landslide with Ms Holiday and her..._

_My heart sings with the passion of the song, I love her, I love her, I love her. __I love her more than life itself. __I love her more than any boy. __She is my Landslide and I need to love her for the rest of my life._

_**(lyrics "Landslide", written by Songwriter: Nicks, Stevie)**_

_Took this love and I took it down_

_Climbed a mountain and I turned around_

_And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills_

_Till the landslide brought me down_

_Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?_

_Can the child within my heart rise above?_

_And can I sail through the changing ocean tides_

_Can I handle the seasons of my life?_

_Oh oh I don't know, oh I don't know_

_Well, I've been afraid of changing_

_'Cause I've built my life around you_

_But time makes you bolder_

_Children get older I'm getting older too_

_Yes I'm getting older too, so_

_I've been afraid of changing_

_'Cause I, I've built my life around you_

_But time makes you bolder_

_Children get older_

_I'm getting older too oh yes_

_I'm getting older too_

_So, take this love, take it down_

_Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around_

_If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills_

_Well the landslide will bring you down, down_

_And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills_

_Well maybe the landslide will bring you down_

_Well well, the landslide will bring you down_

_Brittany pulls me into her arms and I feel like I have come home. __I love this beautiful girl more than anything in the whole world and I just want to stay in her arms forever..._

Run Santana! Just keep running, don't stop running. One foot in front of the other, just keep running...

I know what is coming, the Blackness is coming, I am opening the floodgates of my mind and I can feel the blackness rising to chase me on the running track. I have to keep ahead of it, I have to run, I can't let it catch me and break me, not like the weekend...

_**Two weeks ago...**_

_Hallway of McKinley High, two weeks before Regionals, the day after the "Landslide" of my heart. __I have to tell her, I have to let her know how much she means to me, I have to let her know I am ready to love her in the open light of day where everyone can see that I love her and no one else._

_I dressed up for this, I wanted to look my best for her, I wanted her to see that I want to be pretty for her. __There she is by her locker, she is so beautiful, and I am so in love with her.._

_"Hi Brit, Can we talk," my voice catches, oh this is going to be so hard._

_"But we never do that."_

_I love the puzzled expressions she gets, she is so cute and adorable, oh my god how did I not realize how much I loved her._

_"I know but umm, I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in Glee club. __Cause it made me do a lot of thinking. __What I realized is why I am such a bitch all the time. __I am a bitch because I am angry. __I am angry because I have all of these feelings. __Feelings for you. __That I am afraid of dealing with. __Because I am afraid of dealing with the consequences. __And Brittany I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert, __I just can't." __Oh why did I say that, being afraid of the stupid label, the chink in my armor, that tells her I might not be confident enough to face what is coming._

_"I understand that." __Her voice is so quiet and beautiful, and I love her eyes so much, her beautiful blue eyes._

_"Do you understand what I am trying to say here?" __I see from her puzzled expression that she needs more from me. __This is so hard, I hate talking about my feelings._

_"No, not really." __Sometimes I think she does this because she knows me so well. __She wants me to explain it to her, she wants to force me to stop being vague about what I feel and state it truthfully._

_"I want to be with you, but I am afraid of the talks and the looks. __I mean you know what happened to Kurt at this school." __The fear. __Why do I always have to be afraid. __I love her. __Why do I care so much what other people think of me._

_"Honey, if anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass, or slash them with your vicious, vicious words." __She is always confident in me, she always supports me more than anyone else._

_"Yeah I know, but.., I am so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept.. that I love you. __I love you! __And I don't want to be with Sam or Finn, or any of those other guys. __I just want you! __Please say you love me back. __Please!" __Oh god, my heart is so open, the pause before it is ripped out forever._

_"Of course I love you! __I do, and I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie." __She is trying to be a good person, she doesn't want anyone to be hurt._

_"Artie?" __I am shocked and hurt. __I can only feel pain welling up inside me._

_"I love him too. __I don't want to hurt him. __That's not right, I can't break up with him."_

_"Yes you can he's just a stupid boy." __How can you love him more than me? __It's not fair._

_"But it wouldn't be right. __Santana, you have to know if Artie and I were to ever break up, and I am lucky enough that you are still single..." __She reaches to take my hand, she thinks that this will reassure me and make me feel better._

_"Don't!" __I have to push her away, she is breaking my heart, how can she do this to me, I thought she loved me. __She was the one who wanted to talk about feelings and now she rejects me._

_"I am so yours, proudly so." __She smiles at me with love in her eyes, love that she is withholding from me to be with that stupid boy._

_"Yeah well wow. __Whoever thought that being fluid meant that you could be so stuck." __Bitterness and despair fill my voice, the blackness starts here, this is the moment when it begins._

_"I am so sorry." __She tries to hold me._

_"Get off of me!" __I can't do this, my heart is broken, I can't stop crying. __I push her away and run because the blackness is chasing me and it is killing me._

_All there is now is blackness without her in my life..._

Run Santana! Just keep running, don't stop running. One foot in front of the other, just keep running...

My feet are pounding into the track, my legs are starting to ache, and there is a stitch in my side. But I can't stop running, I have to keep running, the blackness is chasing me, I can't escape from it...

_**One week ago...**_

_The days after my confession are a blur. __The Black Time has begun, the blackness overtook me, and I can barely remember anything that is happening to me._

_I remember conversations we have several times. __She still wants to be my friend, but she is still with Artie, she won't leave him for me. __She says she loves me too, but that must be a lie, if she loved me as much as I love her she would leave him, she would be with me._

_Trouty Mouth for Sam, I write that stupid silly song to try and make Brittany jealous, but it doesn't work. __What was I thinking. __Now Sam is really angry with me._

_Regionals - last Friday night - New Directions are the winners and going to Nationals. __I can barely muster enough passion to even care. __It means nothing without her..._

_Coach Sylvester is so angry, she punches the Senator's wife and knocks her out cold and storms off the stage. __The violence of that moment registers. __I don't remember singing the songs that night, but I do remember this moment in time, perhaps the violence pulled me out of the Blackness for just a moment in time._

_I turn to everyone else and I see__them__holding hands and then she leans down to kiss him and..._

Run Santana! Just keep running, don't stop running. One foot in front of the other, just keep running...

I run harder now, harder than ever on the track, I need to push myself, I need the physical pain to drown out the ache in my heart. I am tearing the track apart, trying to run from this blackness, from this despair. I want to escape it so much, but I can't, its chasing me and it won't give up. It's going to win this race. I have to keep ahead of it, I can't let it overtake me like it did on the weekend, I might not recover this time...

_**Friday night after Regionals...**_

_Everyone wants to go hang out and do something together, everyone but me..._

_Despair, blackness, desolation, my heart is beating like a thunderclap in my chest, I can't breathe._

_I have a vague memory of going to Rachel, I can see the sympathy and compassion on her face. __I am looking at Brittany the way she always looks at Finn, but she sees something in my face that I don't see. __As much as Rachel is in love with Finn, that love is only a small river. __My love for Brittany is like the ocean, it is endless and I am drowning in the blackness..._

_A car headlight flashes in my eyes waking me from the blackness for a moment... __Rachel is driving my car... __She is a little annoyed, she wanted to stay and party with everyone... __Concern flashes on her face as she looks over at me, she is worried, she has never seen anyone behave like I am now..._

_A flash of light... Where am I now? __I am home, my bedroom, someone turned the light on... __I can hear Rachel talking to my mother. __My Mom wants to know what is wrong with me. __Rachel isn't sure what to say. __She hesitates and decides to be vague, she tells my mom that it is relationship troubles. __They are both concerned, I won't stop crying and hugging my knees on my bed, they can't get a reaction out of me..._

_I struggle, people are holding me, trying to get me to drink a glass of water... Rachel, Mom, and Dad are holding me, trying to get me to swallow something, they have decided to give me a sedative, I have to sleep, I won't calm down, they are worried..._

_**Saturday...**_

_Blackness all the time..._

_A flash of memory, a slip of conversation, Rachel is still here. __She is really worried now. __Mom and Rachel are talking, should they take me to the hospital..._

_Another flash, another moment in time, Rachel thinks maybe listening to music will help. __She loads my ipod with hours of songs and makes me listen to the music..._

_**Sunday...**_

_Vague flash of memory, Rachel stops by in the afternoon, I won't talk about it. She is worried but thinks I might be getting through it finally so she goes home... __I think she goes home... Did she stay?... __I can't remember..._

_For the rest of the day, only Blackness..._

_A flash of light, someone turned my bedroom light on... __Rachel is here again, why doesn't she stop bugging me... __She is staying overnight in the guest room, my Mom asked her to drive me to school in the morning..._

_**Monday...**_

_I think Rachel is driving me to school... __Why doesn't everyone just leave me alone..._

_I am a zombie at school, walking through the halls in a vague grey, the blackness is receding a little now. __I am starting to come out the other side of it._

_Rachel Berry is constantly giving me concerned looks all day, but she seems relieved that I am actually giving her attitude again. __The old Santana is starting to come to the surface, Rachel thinks this is a good sign..._

Santana breathe, calm, relax. You can overcome this, you can get it under control, the black time doesn't have to come back again.

I slow down and pace myself properly, my breathing is back under control. I think I am starting to face everything that happened over the weekend.

One foot after the other, I have a nice steady pace going now, I don't feel like the blackness is going to win. I have it under control. My breathing is controlled. The stitch in my side is gone. I have my second wind and I am running like a flash of light.

Now I can face the Black Time, now I can see into the weekend with clear eyes. I had never come closer to that kind of despair before in my life...

_**The weekend again...**_

_I am starting to see through the haze into the black time..._

_My Mom and Rachel Berry had been frantic worrying about me..._

_The memories are coming back now. __I had forgotten that Rachel had spent the entire weekend at my house. __I can remember over-hearing Rachel and my Mom talking in the hallway about me, worried I might commit suicide if they leave me alone. __Rachel doesn't think I will, she thinks I just need to work through it. She tells my Mom that music helps her get through times like this so she loads up my ipod and Rachel and I listen to music all weekend. __I barely remembered that, I thought I was alone, but she stayed..._

_Rachel tried several times to get me talking, she wanted me to talk to my Mom about it. __I won't talk about it with her, but that doesn't stop Rachel, she talked to me all weekend. __She told me stories about her dads, told me about Kurt, about Blaine, about Kurt's dad. __I know she thinks I am gay, she doesn't think I like boys at all. __Rachel kept telling me over and over that the love I have for Brittany is greater than any love I ever showed for Finn, Puck, or Sam..._

_I think Rachel just hopes I am gay so I won't steal Finn from her again..._

_Berry is so obvious sometimes..._

_Typical Rachel Berry, she doesn't give up, I am her pet project now, she wants to "fix" me._

_I argue with my Mom, I want to be alone in my room, I don't want Rachel here all the time..._

_My Mom tells me that Rachel is staying under no uncertain terms..._

_Mom says I need a friend right now..._

_I try to tell Mom that Rachel Berry is not my friend and that we hate each other..._

_Mom ignores me and coaxes me to eat some lunch instead..._

_Rachel just talks now, she ignores my silence and instead fills it with the sound of her own voice. __She sure loves to hear herself talk. __I can't even muster up enough energy to say anything sarcastic so of course she won't shut up now. She is mulling whether she should tell my Mom about what is going on with Brittany, but she looks in my eyes and decides to wait. __Mom isn't pressing for details, Rachel reassured her that I am just going through a broken heart for someone who isn't reciprocating._

_Oh how fucking adult of you Rachel frigging Berry, you must be getting a kick out of seeing me like this._

_Still she tries not to be judgemental. __She is just filling the silence, hoping that something she says will wake me up from my blackness. __Hoping that I will show some kind of emotional response, even if it is just to yell at her and argue._

_Rachel tells me about all her dreams, her passion for singing and acting, how much she desperately wants to go to Julliard._

_Rachel tells me how much Quinn hurt her before Regionals, everything Quinn said. __I didn't know about that. __Queen Bitch Quinn pulled a real number on Rachel, it even inspired Rachel to write her song "Get It Right" about all the pain and hurt she felt._

_Rachel is still in love with Finn. __Big fucking surprise. __Like everyone and their dog didn't know that already..._

_I didn't really feel up to talking much, but the bitchy part of me can't help but give her some advice. __I tell her that Queen Bitch Quinn only says that stuff because she is afraid of Rachel taking Finn from her. __I tell her that Quinn sees Rachel as a threat._

_Occasionally Rachel tries to talk to me about Brittany but every time she brings Brittany up I start to cry, so she decides to drop it finally. __I am not ready to talk about Brittany._

_The rest of the weekend she just listens to music with me and watches movies. She doesn't try to make me listen to her Broadway crap, but we do find that we actually both like jazz so we listen to some of my Mom's records._

_My Dad is worried about me, but tells my Mom it's a good sign that I am willing to come out of my bedroom and spend time listening to music and watching movies._

_Mom and Dad are worried about me, I see it in their eyes. __They are relieved that Rachel seems to be helping even though they know we aren't normally friends. __They wanted to call Brittany but Rachel told them that it wasn't a good idea right now. __She was trying to be careful how she phrased it, but she said that Brittany and I weren't as close as we used to be._

_Something in their eyes, do they know that it's Brittany? __Did I say her name while I was crying? __Do they know about me?_

I am back on the track again, it's still Tuesday morning, and I am running. I have my second wind and its glorious to run like this, I feel like I can run forever. My cheeks are burning a little from the rushing air, but my eyes are clear, I am not crying anymore, and I feel better than I have in a while.

I know I am going to have to stop soon. It's almost time for class. I wish I could just run forever and forget all my problems.

Coach Beiste is motioning me to come over to her.

"Santana, that's enough for today, stretch it off and shower. I told you not to push yourself so hard when you haven't been at cheerleader practice for several weeks." She pauses to look at her stop watch.

"By the way Santana, I timed you on those last few laps after you got your pacing under control and stopped sprinting, you have potential for the long distance races. Just stop sprinting so much at the start, keep a steady pace so you don't strain your muscles or end up spraining you're ankle."

"Ok Coach, sorry about that, I was trying to work off some frustration, that's why I pushed so hard."

"I want you to try out for women's track Santana. We need more girls on the track team, we are a few short for the long distance races."

"I am not sure I am ready for a competition Coach."

"The competition isn't for over a month Santana, you have lots of time. Do you have anything better to do with your mornings?"

"Well... It's nice to sleep in sometimes now that I am not a Cheerio."

"Don't bullshit me Lopez, I saw you racing with Sam Evans on the track and you were enjoying it. You miss the cheerleader practices and the competition, admit it."

"I guess I do, I am very competitive and I like to keep in shape."

"Well come to track practices and I'll definitely keep you in shape Lopez. I'll make you wish you were back on the Cheerio's under Coach Sylvester." Coach Beiste just grins at me, everyone knows that Coach Sylvester is the biggest hard-ass ever.

"Team tryouts are next Friday, so you have almost two weeks to train and get ready to make the team. If you make the team you can get a girls varsity jacket, Lopez, and wear that now that you don't have the Cheerio's uniform and jacket." I think Coach Beiste knows how much I like being popular, why else mention getting me a varsity jacket, nice play to my vanity Coach. It's probably working too, I am already thinking of outfits to go with a varsity jacket.

"Ok Coach, I'll start coming to track practices."

"Well hit the showers Lopez. Don't forget to stretch. Make sure you are here on time tomorrow."

"Ok Coach, have a good morning."

She waves me off and starts walking toward the gym buildings.

I finish my stretch routine and then head in for my shower...


	4. Chapter 4: Alone

**Title:** Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 4: Alone

**Character(s):** Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Sam Evans, and David Karofsky

**Rating:** T for language

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort/Coming Out

**Description:** Santana is dealing with intense depression over Brittany and coming to terms with herself. Rachel is the only one of her classmates that is fully aware of what's going on. Santana just broke up with and outed herself to Sam. Bullies from the school have been harrassing Santana online...

* * *

_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

_I welcome feedback and suggestions._

_This is a Brittana story, but I will be focusing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will pursue the relationship with Brittany later into the story._

_I am going to be sticking to mostly canon personalities as best as I am able. The only LGBT characters are Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Blaine, and Karofsky._

_I may introduce a love interest for Santana later in the story as a plot device to further the relationship between Brittany and Santana._

_This story takes place after the events of "Sexy" and "Original Song". Regionals took place on Friday. For four days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) Santana went through a period of intense depression which is alluded to in the story and described in Chapter 3 through flashbacks._

* * *

**Chapter 4: Alone**

The run this morning felt good and it helped me get a few things figured out. I never realized how deeply depressed I got over the weekend until I really faced it. How close I actually came to wanting to hurt myself. The run helped purge some of the dark feelings out, and I feel a lot better after pushing myself so hard on the track. I am going to take up Coach Beiste's invitation to try out for track team, I think I need something physical like long distance running to help me keep my head clear for the next little while. That and the girls varsity jackets are actually quite nice. Now that I don't have my Cheerio uniform and jacket, I wouldn't mind having a girls varsity jacket. It might even help my rep at school now that I don't have a boyfriend.

Breaking up with Sam is a bigger relief than I expected it to be. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's one less thing to regret. I apologized for using him, he forgave me, and he still wants to be friends, what more could I ask for. I think Sam has decided to be my big brother now whether I like it or not, I suppose I should be glad that he isn't hurting from our conversation this morning. In truth he is probably relieved that he is free to go after Quinn again, I wasn't exactly a very nice girlfriend.

While we are walking to class I glance at his face and I can see the worry in his eyes, whatever was posted on the Internet about me is bothering him. I know he is looking for Karofsky. Sam was the one who stepped up to defend Kurt, sure the other Glee guys Mike and Artie helped, but it was Sam who actually stepped up to the plate when Finn was too much of a coward.

I sigh to myself, I guess I am outed to the school whether I was ready for it or not. Does it matter? I would have liked more time to work through things. I am not even one hundred percent sure I am gay, maybe I just never met the right guy, maybe I couldn't give my heart to a guy because I have been in love with Brittany all this time. I just don't know for sure. Most people would tell me to go see the frigging guidance counsellor, but seriously Ms. Pilsbury is the biggest flake on the Earth. I am probably going to have to keep my promise to Berry and call Kurt and Blaine. I know if I don't she will end up pestering me about it. She is such a meddler sometimes.

Hmm, did that bitchy little flake of a cheerleader give me a dirty look under her nose. I want to run over and wipe the smirk off her little plastic face. I have to restrain myself though, I don't want to make things worse than they are, or lose my temper right now. Darn, Sam's eyes are getting a bit glinty, there must be more people giving me dirty looks than I have been noticing. Too caught up in my own head and not keeping an eye out. Even worse Rachel warned me to watch out today, and here I am daydreaming about my problems. Well time to calm Sam down I guess.

"Sam, relax, no one has said or done anything to me in person. They are too scared to mess with Santana Lopez, they know I am a class A bitch and I bet they will stay away from me."

"I just want people to know you aren't unprotected here Santana, we might not be a couple anymore, but I want to send a clear message that you are not without friends."

"Oh just what I need, my own personal bodyguard." My voice just drips with sarcasm and I give him one of my bitchy looks. Like I really need a knight in shining armour or anything like that crap.

"You should take this more seriously Santana. I don't want Karofsky to mess with you like he did Kurt."

"Who says he will Sam, I'm a girl, he might just leave me alone. I might end up getting slushied, but I'll go all medieval on anyone who tries to pull that on me."

I can see from the look on his face that he doesn't see me going medieval on Karofsky or any of the football and hockey guys. I guess the same thought crossed my mind too. I am a bit more afraid than I am willing to admit, I never expected to be outed already. I even hear the under breath insults here and there in the halls, people whispering, and the words are out there, and I know they are directed at me.

_Dyke, lesbo, homo, gay, slut, whore..._

It's all under the breath though, and everyone is too chicken shit to say it to my face. I just keep my head held high and my queen bitch expression on my face. Although, I am not sure how much of a Queen Bitch I really am today. The fact is with all the crying I have been doing lately I have only been wearing some light lipstick so I don't have to keep fixing my eyes all day. It makes me look younger I think, I don't look like my normal queen bitch self. Darn I hate self doubt.

"Sam promise me that you won't go looking for Karofsky. If he pesters me I'll let you know, but until he actually says something, there is no point stirring up trouble."

He looks at me, I can see him wavering, he doesn't want to talk about the crap that is on the Internet about me. Rachel didn't either, she just told me it was bad and then helped me to delete my facebook and myspace pages.

"Are you sure I shouldn't just pretend to be your boyfriend for a while till things calm down. It's not like I am going to run out and start dating anyone right now anyway."

"I have to stop doing that though Sam, that's been my MO for too long now, having a boyfriend so I can pretend to be straight, instead of telling the person I really love how I feel. I want to stop doing that. You need to keep yourself open for a real girlfriend too Sam, you deserve to be with someone who will treat you right. Not some bitchy confused girl like me who has no idea what she wants."

"Well we are still friends, so I am not going to let anyone mess with you Santana."

"Until someone gets in my face there is no point worrying so much about it Sam, relax for now. I promise I'll tell you if anything happens, Okay?"

"Fine, but you better tell me Santana, don't keep it in or hide it from your friends, if someone bothers you tell us right away."

"I will don't worry, you will probably even hear me bitching them out in the halls."

He laughs at that, but I must be coming across like a wounded bird or something. Both Sam and Berry are acting overly protective. I suppose Rachel has more reason than anyone to act that way, she is the one who actually saw me this weekend. I can't help from shuddering, just realizing that the depression is still there under the surface, it's not totally gone yet. I think I have it under control now and I better keep it that way, my Mom and Dad will probably have me committed if I fall into a black depression like that again.

"Well here we are, time for first bell and history. I'll be fine in class Sam."

"Ok Santana, I am leaving my cell on vibrate, text me if you need me later."

The morning classes go without a hitch. I am actually trying to pay more attention than usual, trying to forget about my problems. I think the teachers are in shock that I am not giving them attitude for once. Mrs. Lockheed was actually impressed that I took the time out of my busy day to answer her questions for once.

Lunch... I linger behind in the classroom as everyone goes out. Am I actually scared? I think I am a little. I can't help but think about Kurt. I have this anxiety creeping up inside me and I can't shake it. I haven't got hit with anything serious yet, so far it's been fairly tame. A few whispered comments here and there, but nothing serious. Well besides all the Internet crap which I luckily didn't have to see at all, thanks again to Rachel for that small favour.

Then as I pick up my jacket, I see it on the back, someone taped a piece of paper with "Dyke" written on. I grab it off my jacket and tear the stupid thing into little pieces. I try to remember which jerkoff was sitting behind me during class, but I can't recall.

Crap, I think I might start crying. Stop crying Santana, it's just a fucking piece of paper left behind by a coward who was too fucking chicken shit to say it to your face. Don't cry, no crying. You're a queen bitch, own it.

A few deep breaths and I have the panic under control, time to face the student body. Shit I might actually sit with fucking Berry at lunch, my reputation is tanked anyway.

Why am I avoiding the others today? I have only talked to Sam and Rachel in the last two days, I have avoided everyone else like the plague. I think it's because Rachel knew about me all along, and I just told Sam because I owed him an explanation. I am tired of talking about this crap and I don't really want to have to keep explaining this shit over and over to everyone.

As I walk out into the halls I see _**her**_, I thought I might be able to avoid Brittany for a while, at least I can think her name again without dying inside. The run this morning really helped.

"Santana, can we talk?" She is giving me her adorable sad puppy face that always melts my heart. Crap, I am way too hung up on her for my own good.

"What's up Britt?" I don't make eye contact, have to look anywhere but her beautiful blue eyes. Damn I can barely stand this, she is right in front of me, looking as hot as ever, and I have nowhere to look. I decide to angle myself so I can look at the wall.

"Are you ok? I heard people are talking about you." Is that concern in her eyes, no stop looking at her eyes Santana, look at the wall.

"What does it matter Brittany? You're with Artie, not me. Whatever people say I will deal with it with my vicious, vicious words remember." I can't believe I just threw her own words back at her. Really subtle Santana.

"We are still friends aren't we?" Her lips are quavering a little, she might start crying if I don't get out of here.

Damn this, I can't help but get a little bit angry at her, why does she want to spend time with me when she chose Artie. Go fucking find her fucking boyfriend and stay out of my business. I won't say any of this to her of course, I would never say things like this to Brittany. Hell would freeze over before I would ever be that mean to the girl I am totally in love with.

"I need my space Brittany, your with Artie, and I..."

Suddenly the red cherry slushie hits like a punch in the face by a block of ice. He doesn't throw it lightly either, he is slamming it into my face and I barely get my eyes closed in time. I even feel the ice cutting into my cheeks. The shock sears through me, I can't even think. Worse, this actually hurts, he threw it at me as hard as he could, this wasn't how they normally do it, this was pure hatred. When I look up at him I see it in his eyes, the hate is burning there and he looks me directly in the eye.

"Fucking Dyke whore." Karofsky whispers it at me as he starts walking away, his voice practically trembling with hatred.

I want to say something as he walks away glaring at me, but I am frozen in shock, and... fear, I am deathly afraid, more afraid than I have ever been of anyone in my life. This is what Kurt felt from this guy, I know it, I know this is exactly how Kurt felt. Karofsky doesn't just dislike gays, he hates us. Did I just think "us", I suppose I did, deep down I know it.

Everyone is staring at me in shock. Even Britt is completely shocked. She reaches her hand out tentatively to touch me and I can't take it. I shake my head no at her, tears in my eyes, and I run away from this girl who breaks my heart with every word and gesture.

As I run to the girl's washroom I can see people pointing, laughing, and snickering at me. I guess Santana Lopez got her comeuppance and everyone is enjoying the show today. It's not like I was the nicest girl before so I suppose them taking pleasure in my misery is not surprising.

There are actual scratches on my face from the slushie, and it looks like I got punched or slapped. I can't stop crying now, and I don't even care who sees me. I am shaking all over and it's not from the cold slushie, I feel so many things, anger, fear, sorrow, humiliation. They all go through my mind at once.

A hand on my shoulder, I know it's her, and she is breaking my heart by following me. Doesn't she know that her presence makes the pain worse. Doesn't she know that I love her so much that not having her kills me inside.

"I can't do this with you Brittany." My voice is like a whisper and it breaks with all the sadness I am feeling.

"I can help you Santana, you know I am always here to help you." She is trying to pull me into her arms and hold me, knowing how much that used to comfort me before. It takes all my willpower and self control to push her back from me till she is at arm's length.

"Brittany every time you come near me you are breaking my heart. Do you understand Britt, it hurts me inside to be near you." I put my hand over my heart to show her, all the pain and sorrow in my eyes.

"But I love you too Santana, I can help you, you don't have to be alone." It rips me to pieces how sweet the compassion and love in her voice sounds.

"Can you leave Artie for me Brittany?" I say it softly, trying to keep the words as neutral as I can.

"I can't hurt him Santana, I told you this before. That doesn't mean I can't be your best friend, we were always best friends." Second place again, that will always be where I am.

"I am not ready for that right now Brittany, maybe sometime after I get over you, but not right now, it hurts too much Britt. I love you so much and not having you is like being stabbed in the heart every day." I can see in her eyes that she wants things to go back to the way they were but with us talking feelings now. How can I explain to her that friendship isn't enough anymore, that I can't live with that.

"I need you to go Brittany, I will clean myself up. Please go, if you love me like you say, then I need you to give me space and give me time to get over you. Please go Britt." I say it softly, no anger this time, just a soft plea that she respect my heart and go.

I turn away from her and grab paper towels to start cleaning myself up. I am pretending that she is already gone, I won't acknowledge her presence anymore. I am closing the door on her, I know it, as much as I love her I can't sit on the sidelines waiting. This is the end, I need to let her go, she made her choice, and I am not going to interfere.

"Ok Santana, I do love you so I will do what you ask and leave." I can see she is crying but I won't let myself turn to her and comfort. I don't say goodbye when she goes, or try to convince her to stay.

I am alone...


	5. Chapter 5: The Bitch is Back

**Title:** Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 5: The Bitch is Back

**Character(s):** Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Lauren Zizes, David Karofsky, and Mr. Schuester

**Rating:** T for language

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort/Coming Out/Depression

**Description:** Santana is dealing with intense depression over Brittany and coming to terms with herself. Santana has now broken up with Sam. Rachel and Sam are the only two classmates who know what's going on. Karofsky and others are starting to bully Santana at school and online. Karofsky slushied Santana in the last chapter. Brittany and Santana had a confrontation at the same time and Santana begged Brittany to give her space and time apart. In this chapter Santana faces her fear...

* * *

_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

_I welcome feedback and suggestions._

_This is a Brittana story, but I will be focusing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will pursue the relationship with Brittany later into the story._

_I am going to be sticking to mostly canon personalities as best as I am able. The only LGBT characters are Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Blaine, and Karofsky._

_I may introduce a love interest for Santana later in the story as a plot device to further the relationship between Brittany and Santana._

_This story takes place after the events of "Sexy" and "Original Song". Regionals took place on Friday. For four days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) Santana went through a period of intense depression which is alluded to in the story and described in Chapter 3 through flashbacks._

* * *

**Chapter 5: The Bitch is Back**

I know the others will come look for me soon, and I don't want to talk to any of them. I am torn up inside and I just need some time to breath. I have to get out of this place, this school, this town. I need to get out and just have some time to breathe.

Everyone wants something from me, they want me to tell them who I am, I don't know who the fuck I am, I have no idea who the fuck I am.

I just want to breathe.

My blouse and bra are sticky, I can't get all the slushy out of them. Do I even want to borrow that sundress from Rachel? No, I can't talk to her right now. All her meddling prying questions are just going to depress me. I know she means well, but she doesn't know when to be quiet, it's all words, words, words with her.

I am surprised Brittany hasn't told the others where I am. She might be too upset to talk to them right now. I wish I could go back to being just friends with her, my first instinct is to run through the school looking for her. To pull her into my arms and take the pain away, just like she wanted to do for me. I hate seeing her in pain, but I am tired of hurting and feeling broken and I am not going to keep destroying my heart to protect hers.

I am as cleaned up as I am going to get without a shower and change of clothes. I want to be away from here, I am going home, enough of this crap. There are a few people in the hallways looking at me while I walk out. I just glare daggers at everyone and most of them just look away. Fuck them all. A part of me feels guilty for not telling Sam, Rachel, and the others that I am going home, but I just need to get out.

As I am crossing the sports field to get to the parking lot I see Lauren Zizes coming from the other side of the gym toward me.

"Lopez, stop for a minute." What the fuck does Zizes want? I just want to get the fuck out of this school and clear my head.

"What the hell do you want Zizes, I am not in the mood right now." God I almost dislike her more than Berry.

"Well aren't you the pissy one Lopez. I wanted to know why you let Karofsky walk away alive after that slushy shit." She doesn't look mad at me, in fact for some reason she actually looks concerned. Why does she give a fuck what happens to me, I thought she hated me.

"He caught me by surprise." I think there is a tremor in my voice. I am trying to keep it neutral so she doesn't hear the fear coming out. I hate being afraid of that asshole, but I can't help it, he scares me.

"Well get your shit together Lopez and lets go kick his ass. I need to work out the kinks before wrestling practice anyway."

Darn it Santana, don't cry in front of Zizes, what the heck are you doing. Now she sees too, she sees I am crying.

"You can't let that dickwad get you down Lopez. As much as you are a skinny ass cheerleader. Well ex-cheerleader now. I still kinda respect you because we are the only hard assed bitches in the silly Glee Club." She grabs my shoulders and makes me look her in the eye.

"Get your shit together and own it!" She says it right into my face. I have no idea what she means.

"What are you talking about, I always own it, I am just having a bad fucking day Zizes."

"It's not that Santana and you fucking know it. Everyone knows you are into that dimbulb blonde Brittany, it's not a fucking shock to me anyway. So what? Who cares if you are a skinny ass dyke loser ex-cheerleader whose girlfriend has the intelligence of a fucking thumbtack..."

It was one thing for her to insult me but when she starts insulting Brittany I just see red and go at her like a wildcat. I jump on Zizes and start punching and slapping her for all I am worth, but for some reason Zizes just stands there and calmly takes it. This isn't like the time I fought with her about Puck, she doesn't try to hurt me or anything, just keeps pushing me back every time I try to come at her. She lets me hit her.

Finally after a couple of minutes I stop, breathing heavy. I can see she isn't even mad at me.

"Did you get it out of your system now Lopez?" She is actually fucking smiling at me.

"Yeah I guess."

"Good, didn't meant to insult your blondie, but I wanted to get your attention and get you mad. If you're going to get through this shit you need the old Santana back and I think I just saw her back again for a minute there."

"Fine, did you want anything else, other than to make me mad Lauren?"

"You know Santana, I am not as much of a bitch as you think I am. I don't play girly head games like you skinny cheerleaders do. I don't fuck around behind the backs of other girls and try to backstab them. I always look at it that the guys have their whole bros before hos crap, and I figure us girls should stop backstabbing each other and stick together."

"What's your point."

"I am trying to make a point about you Lopez, that you haven't been as hidden and discrete as you think you have been. I also want you to realize I am not your fucking enemy. Back when I decided to let Puckerman try to date me, you got all in my face jealous like I was stealing him from you, remember?"

"Yeah you were stealing him bitch."

"Bullshit Lopez. I knew even back then you were into Brittany. You were so fucking obvious, you were all over her every chance you got. You may have thought you were in the closet this whole time, but I am not the only one who saw you two. I saw you making out with Brittany after a Football game at least 3 times that I can remember. That little spot behind the bleachers, that you think is so private and secluded, it's not as secluded as you think."

I can feel my face heat up at her words. Darn, my face is probably beet red now. I can't help but blush remembering that Brittany and I would sometimes make out for ages after football games. She pauses and looks me in the eye, checking if I am going to respond, I just wave her to continue, might as well let her finish what she wants to say.

"My point is I knew you weren't into Puckerman, that's why I didn't consider him off limits. You were never lovey dovey with him, ever. Only with blondie, she is the only one you were ever that way with. Like I said before I don't play girly head games, if I actually thought you liked Puckerman I would have probably backed off. But everything I saw you liked Brittany."

"So, your right, is that what you wanted to hear. Everyone knows now, what's the point of this whole conversation."

"My point is, stop acting like there is something wrong with you for liking her. Stop acting like your weak because your gay or bisexual, or whatever you are."

"I hate fucking labels, why do you all have to keep trying to put a label on me." Crap I am almost going to start crying again.

"I am not trying to label you Lopez, I am telling you to own it, own who you are and everyone else can go fuck themselves. I know I am fat Lopez, but I am also tough, and I am an awesome wrestler. I own who I am, and god help anyone who tries to fuck with me or bully me, I will tear them a new one."

Lauren pauses for a moment watching me. Waiting for her words to sink in, then she continues.

"Stop being the mopey gay girl, and be the bitch Santana Lopez again. Being a lesbian isn't all you are Lopez, it's just one part, it's not the whole package. Just like being a bitch isn't all you are either, it's just one part."

"Okay you made your point. I am gay and I am a bitch. Let's go broadcast it to the world." I hate this conversation and how close to home it is. She knows me a lot better than I thought possible.

"No actually that's not the point, the point is that you are a person, Santana, and the other stuff doesn't fucking matter so who cares what anyone thinks about it. Santana Lopez might be a bitch, and she might be gay, but those things are just parts, they don't define you. What you need to let go of right here and now is the popularity bullshit that you have carried around for 2 years. Guess what Santana you're in the fucking Glee Club! How popular do you think you really are? When was the last time you hung out with any kids outside of the Glee club? Probably forever right. The reason people didn't mess with you in this school isn't because you were a cheerleader, it was because you had attitude. Now they think they can make you feel bad about being gay, they think they can slam you down because of it, but they will only think that if you do. Own it, and most of the idiots will back off."

"What about the idiots that won't back off like Karofsky." I smile at her now, her little speech actually made me feel better.

"Well lets go solve that right now Santana, let's go slushy his fucking ass. I honestly don't get why you Glee kids didn't do this ages ago. Let's go get a couple slushies and give him a taste of his own medicine." Lauren starts rubbing her hands together, she obviously likes the idea of a good fight with Karofsky.

"I saw his face Lauren, he hates me, and I have no idea why." Just remembering the look on Karofsky's face sends a shiver down my spine.

"If we don't step in now and do something Santana he is going to mess with you every day like he did to Kurt, he needs to get it through his thick head that if he messes with you again he is going to regret it. Normally I would suggest we go medieval on him and put him in the hospital, but I think if we slushy him that will get the message across."

"What if he tries to hit me, he looked like he might try." My bitchy front starts to falter a little, I don't really want to get my ass kicked by a football player.

"Take it from someone in wrestling, I fight guys all the time Santana, most guys try to avoid hitting girls if they can. Plus if he does try to hit you, let him."

"Let him? Why?" I am sure the shock and fear flickers over my face.

"Bruises heal Santana, but him getting expelled for hitting you, that sort of solves the problem doesn't it."

"I am not sure I can handle getting hit by him, he is pretty strong."

"What about that day he came to Glee club to practice for the halftime show, you were going to jump down his throat back then because of Kurt, and we all had to hold you back. Was it because you had backup? Because I am coming with you so you will have backup today."

"Yeah I guess, I had a bit more courage because all my friends were there."

"If he does try to hit you Santana, just kick him in the balls as hard as you can and I will take care of the rest. If he hits you, I will put him in traction, and I can do it too." Lauren gives me her wrestling face as she pounds her fists together.

"Ok, you have me convinced, let's go slushy the asshole." What do I have to lose, might as well go down fighting. Lauren is right, I need to get the bitch back and just own it, and fuck what anyone thinks.

"Awesome, let's go get us some slushies." She is rubbing her hands together, I think she is hoping this turns into a fight. I bet she wants him to take a shot at me so she has the excuse she needs to break his arm and not get expelled herself.

We each grab a slushy from the school vending machine and start looking for Karofsky. Classes are going to switch over in a minute so he should be in the halls pretty soon.

There, I see the fucking jerk and I just see red. As he comes out of the classroom with his friends Lauren and I go in and hit him with the slushies. It's glorious, his face, his shirt, covered in red cherry slushy. I can see the humiliation flicker over his face as it starts to dawn on him what happened.

"What the fuck, dyke, who do you think you fucking are." He wipes the slushy off his face and starts coming at me.

This is it, now or never, I either back down, or just face this and let it play out whichever way it goes. I hope he doesn't break my nose.

"I am showing you what's going to happen to you every day you come near me asshole. Every time you get in my face I am going to fucking slushy you. You better fucking start bringing a change of clothes to school, because this is fucking war. If you come near me again I swear to god I will kill you asshole."

I stand my ground as he comes toward me, I swear he is getting his fist ready for a swing, and now the bitch is back because I know exactly what to say to an asshole like this.

"Go ahead Karofsky, show the whole school how much of a fucking weakling you are that you have to go beat up on girls. Go ahead hit me, show everyone what a useless twit you are, so scared of a girl that you have to beat her up. Go ahead." I just glare daggers at him, waiting for him to try and take the punch.

It probably helps that Lauren is right there beside me glaring at him. She hasn't said anything, but the look on her face speaks volumes. The moment Karofsky touches me Lauren will smack him down.

Wow, Lauren was right, he breaks himself and just walks away glaring at us. I turn to everyone watching the scene and just stare them all down.

"Don't fuck with me, I am the biggest bitch in this school, and if you fuck with me you will fucking regret it."

"Santana, Lauren, in my office now!" Mr. Schuester, crap, well I don't care if I get suspended for the day, it was worth it to get back at Karofsky.

Lauren and I follow Mr. Schuester to his office, but I notice that people are careful not to look me in the eye now. It's probably not going to solve everything but it sure feels better.


	6. Chapter 6: Regrets

**Title:** Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 6: Regrets

**Character(s):** Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Lauren Zizes, Mr. Schuester, Karofsky

**Rating:** T for language

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort/Coming Out/Depression

**Description:** Santana is dealing with intense depression over Brittany and coming to terms with herself. Santana has now broken up with Sam. Karofsky has started a bullying campaign against Santana online and at school. After Karofsky slushied Santana, Lauren Zizes convinced Santana to stand up to him and they both slushied him back. Mr. Schuester caught them confronting Karofsky and he is going to talk to the girls in his office...

* * *

_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

_I welcome feedback and suggestions._

_This is a Brittana story, but I will be focusing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will pursue the relationship with Brittany later into the story._

_I am going to be sticking to mostly canon personalities as best as I am able. The only LGBT characters are Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Blaine, and Karofsky._

_I may introduce a love interest for Santana later in the story as a plot device to further the relationship between Brittany and Santana._

_This story takes place after the events of "Sexy" and "Original Song". Regionals took place on Friday. For four days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) Santana went through a period of intense depression which is alluded to in the story and described in Chapter 3 through flashbacks._

* * *

**Chapter 6: Regrets**

_Tuesday afternoon..._

I don't think Mr. Schue is upset, he doesn't look like he is, just concerned. It's hard to tell when he is angry sometimes, he is a really good teacher and he is always concerned for his students, so he doesn't show his anger to us very often. Lauren is smirking at me, she obviously had fun helping me face Karofsky down. I can't shake a lingering worry about Karofsky though, I saw the hate in his eyes, it's still there. Confronting him in the halls may have helped restore some of my rep here at school, but I am not sure I have heard the last from that asshole.

Before Mr. Schuester can close his door, I decide to speak up, there is no point dragging Zizes into this and I sort of owe her for helping me get back at Karofsky.

"Mr. Schuester, none of this is Lauren's fault, it was completely my idea, she just came along with me to make sure Karofsky didn't try to hurt me."

Lauren is about to say something, but I give her a quick kick in the shin to shut her up. I actually don't mind if I get suspended for a couple of days, I need a break from the school and all the rumors about me anyway. Mr. Schuester hasn't said anything yet, he seems to be making his mind about something.

"Lauren, I want you to stay away from David Karofsky, and I am asking you to not stir up the rest of the Glee kids against him. Do you understand?"

He looks at her waiting for a response. His face is blank right now, I can't read if he is angry or concerned.

"Ok Mr. Schuester, I'll stay away, and I won't stir anything up."

"If you see him doing something tell me right away, don't start fights with him, I don't want the Glee club kids to be getting into some kind of war with the jocks here at school. Coach Beiste and I thought that we had that calmed down, and I don't want things to get out of hand again."

"Ok Mr. Schuester, I'll come to you if anything else happens."

"You can go Lauren, close the door on your way out."

He motions for Zizes to leave and after she closes the door Mr. Schuester motions me to one of the chairs and takes the one beside me. Damn, he is going to give me a pep talk I can tell, I am so tired of talking about my feelings, all this feelings stuff is giving me a migraine.

"Take a seat Santana. We need to talk." Now he looks concerned, my guess was right, pep talk time here we come.

"Ok Mr. Schue." I just sit quietly, I don't even know what to say to him anyway. I can't look him in the eyes so I just play with the edge of my jacket and stare at my shoes. Darn, I got frigging slushy on my shoes, I hope they aren't ruined.

"Santana, before we go any further I need you to promise me something."

I look up at him, I kind of have an idea what he wants from me, it makes sense because of everything that happened with Kurt.

"Last semester we had a lot of problems here at school with what David did to Kurt. He was expelled, but then his expulsion got rescinded because of lack of evidence. Santana, in order for me to help you, in order for Principle Figgins to help you, I need you to come to me immediately after anyone gets physical with you, or even if they are just verbally abusing you, I need you to tell me immediately. Kurt waited too long before telling us what was happening, and I need you to promise me that you won't keep it bottled up, I need you to talk to me."

"I am sorry Mr. Schue, I was just so angry about what he did to me, I lost my temper. I know this is serious and I promise I'll talk to you if he comes near me again." I can't stop fidgeting with my jacket, my eyes on my fingers, this is going to be a hard talk I know it. Mr. Schue isn't one for avoiding hard topics, not like some teachers, not like Ms Pilsbury.

"What did David do to you earlier Santana?"

"He hit me with a slushy at Lunch, and he..." My voice breaks, damn these emotions. I didn't think Karofsky's words hurt me as much as they did. The thought of what he said to me brings the bile up in my throat, it was everything I feared would happen if people found out about me, and now it's started and there is nothing I can do to make it stop.

"You can tell me Santana, please trust me with this, don't try to do everything all alone. I know you are a tough girl, but you don't have to do it all by yourself, please trust me." Mr. Schue rests his hand on my shoulder. Damn, why does he have to be such a nice teacher, why can't he avoid this difficult stuff like other teachers. I am crying now, all my tough girl exterior gone in a flash from his compassion, all the hurt and pain back at the surface again.

Mr. Schuester just rubs my back while I cry it out, and puts the box of Kleenex from his desk beside me. He would make an awesome Dad, it's too bad he doesn't have kids, I think he would be pretty amazing. I try to stop crying, but I can't turn it off like I usually can, it's probably because I feel safe talking to Mr. Schuester, of all the people here at the school, I know he isn't going to judge me. I take a few deep breaths and finally I get myself calmed down enough to talk.

"Karofsky came up to me in the hallway, threw the slushy at me, and he called me a dyke and a whore. His eyes, the way he looked at me when he said it. Mr. Schue, I don't know why but he truly hates me, I have never seen anyone look at me like that before. After I cleaned up, I was going to go home, but then when I was walking to my car, I just got so mad thinking about it, that I decided to throw a slushy at him to get back at him." I skip over the whole conversation with Lauren, there isn't really any need to bring her into this.

"How did this all start Santana, how did he get the idea to start calling you those things?"

Mr. Schue holds my hand now, I think he knows already, but he probably figures it will help me to talk about it. I guess he is right, I need to talk to someone, it might as well be him. Who else am I going to talk about this crap with other than Kurt and Blaine. It will probably be easier to deal with if I just get it all out here and now and at least Mr. Schue won't tell anyone else. Thank God for small favors. The tears won't stop running down my face, this isn't about Brittany anymore, it's about the other part, those damn labels I hate talking about.

"There are rumors going around school Mr. Schue, rumors about me, and it's really hard because I wasn't ready to face these things yet, I needed more time to figure stuff out. Now it's too late, and everything is out there already, and people are saying things about me all the time, and I am so confused. My friends want answers, they want to know about me, and I don't have any answers, I don't know for sure myself."

Can I go on, can I talk about it all. Damn all this crying anyway, my eyes must be totally red and puffy now, I probably look awful. At least I had the good sense not to wear any makeup. Now I am just trying to distract myself from talking about it. I know Mr. Schue is waiting for me to talk, but my throat is all closed up, it's so hard to talk about this. It's even harder because I can't have Brittany, if I had Brittany it would be so much easier, I could share this with her, and I could be in love and happy. Instead I have to be alone and lonely and depressed and miserable.

"Santana, take your time, it really is ok. But you need to talk about this, I can see you're hurting, if you keep it bottled up it's just going to keep hurting. Whatever you say to me here in this office is going to stay between us, you know that, you can say whatever you need to." I can feel his hand gripping my shoulder in comfort and look up into his eyes, damn, why does he have to be such an awesome teacher.

"All I know for sure Mr. Schue, is that I am in love with Brittany and I have been for a long time. I broke up with Sam finally, because I am starting to think I don't like boys at all. I am confused though, maybe I couldn't like boys because I was in love with Brittany, I am just not sure."

"Is this why you have been avoiding Brittany and everyone else lately?"

"Yeah, I told Brittany how I feel, and she said she loves me too, but she also loves Artie and doesn't want to break up with him. We were seeing each other while she was with Artie, and she was starting to think it was wrong to do that and she wanted to talk about our feelings. Brittany made me go see Ms Holiday with her, that's why we sang that song together with Ms Holiday, I was trying to get up the strength to tell her what I feel. Then when I finally told her, she didn't want me, and people overheard us talking, and now everyone in school probably knows what I said to Brittany. I wish I could just go back and not say any of this, I hate that I have to deal with this crap every fucking day." I stop after I realize I just swore, I know we're not supposed to swear in front of the teachers.

"Umm, sorry I shouldn't swear Mr. Schue, I am just angry."

"It's ok Santana, relax, like I said, I want you to talk it out, just say everything that is on your mind."

Another reassuring squeeze on my shoulder. I really wish I didn't have to talk about this with anyone, but he's right it does feel better to get it out.

"I have so many regrets Mr. Schue, all year I have been getting angrier and angrier, and I just couldn't figure out why I was mad all the time. But now I know, I think I always knew, I was trying so hard to like boys, but I couldn't like them, I was trying so hard to be straight, to be popular at school, to be a cheerleader, to have a popular boyfriend. I was trying to fit myself into this pattern, and I just couldn't make it fit."

My voice catches in my throat again, the next part is so hard to face, the realization that I pushed Brittany away.

"So many times Brittany tried to get me to talk about what we were feeling. She liked being with me, she just wanted to be in the open, to go on real dates together, to do romantic things like singing in class together. But every time she would try to talk to me, I would get angry and push her away, I pushed her away so hard that she ended up dating Artie. And I was angry, I was jealous, I didn't want her to be with Artie, but I couldn't say anything because I didn't want to admit that I had these feelings for Brittany, I didn't want anyone to find out that I like girls, that I might be a lesbian. I didn't want people to treat me like they treated Kurt all the time. I was so afraid that people would find out, that I just tried to bury everything I was feeling, but that just made me more angry."

Now all the stupidity comes crashing into me, if I had just told Brittany that I loved her at the beginning of the school year before she dated Artie we would be a couple right now. I wish I could go back in time to that day she asked me to sing Melissa Etheridge with her, I wish I could go back and tell her yes Brittany, I would love to sing a duet with you, I love you and I want everyone to know it. I can't get these words out to Mr. Schue, I try to open my mouth and talk but all that comes out are sobs. My heart is broken, and the worst part is that I know it's my own fault, all those times Brittany asked me to talk to her and I shut her down, all I had to do was talk to her and things would have been different, and I could be with her.

Mr. Schue just lets me cry on his shoulder now, hugging me, telling me it's ok. There isn't much else he can do, I need to get my feelings under control. Finally, a few deep breaths, I can breathe again, I think I am ready to talk again.

"I want Brittany so bad Mr. Schue, it kills me every day to see her with Artie, it hurts so much. I don't know whether to fight for her, or to just leave them be. I don't know whether I am lesbian or bisexual, the only thing I know is that I love Brittany, and I have loved her for a long time. I was hoping I would have more time to get through these feelings, to figure stuff out, but now it's all over school, and I am not sure what to do next. I am afraid of Karofsky, maybe I shouldn't have slushied him back, but I was so angry at what he said to me. It wasn't so much the slushy as it was his words, all I could think was how dare he say those things to me, how dare he!"

I can hear the anger in my voice, it still gets me angry, no one is calling me a dyke to my face and getting away with it. I think I am starting to understand Kurt a lot better. I don't get mad at Rachel for saying I am gay or lesbian, I try to push it off and say I don't want to talk about labels, but I don't get really mad at her because I know she isn't trying to insult me. Deep down I know Rachel is just trying to get me to talk about what I am going through.

The insults do bother me, and I realize why Kurt gets frustrated about those words too, how dare anyone think they can devalue or degrade me, how dare they!

Mr. Schue breaks me from my angry reverie with a quick grip to my shoulder so I look up at him again.

"I think I understand Santana, what he said was hurtful, and it was insulting. Regardless if you aren't sure what your feelings are, having someone say things like that to you is hurtful. Just remember to please come to me about it, don't try to face him by yourself. I was hoping that David was going to calm down and work things out after Kurt left and after he did the halftime show with us, but I can see that's not the case. I am probably going to have to take this to the principal if it gets worse and ask to have Karofsky expelled again. That's why I need you to bring these things to me right away, there is no reason you have to go through this Santana, you don't deserve this, and you need to come to me no matter how minor the incident is. I don't care if its verbal, physical, or just a look, no matter what it is I want you to come to me first."

He stops to push my chin up so look into his eyes.

"Santana, if you can't find me, I want you to promise to go to Coach Beiste, Ms. Pilsbury, Coach Sylvester, or Principal Figgins. Coach Sylvester and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, but when it comes to bullying at school we are on the same page."

"Ok, Mr. Schue, I promise I'll tell you or find another teacher if you aren't around."

"Have you talked to your parents yet Santana, about what you are going through?"

"I don't know if I can Mr. Schue, I don't even know what to say to them. I don't know how they are going to take it, if they will kick me out, I don't think they will, my parents are usually pretty understanding, but I have never told them something like this, I just don't know."

"Did you want to speak to a counsellor, it will help you work through things, and help you to get ready to talk to your parents. Did you want to talk to Ms Pilsbury?"

"No offense Mr Schue, but I think this stuff is just a little out of Ms Pilsbury's league, she is ok to talk to about class schedules and getting ready for university, but for personal stuff like this, not so much." I can see a smile play on his lips at that, I think he has a major crush on her, even though he is dating Ms Holiday now.

"What about talking to Kurt? He can probably give you some advice on how to tell your parents."

"I was probably going to talk to Kurt eventually, I should have called him a lot sooner, I know I should have, I guess I was just avoiding it. I wasn't always nice to Kurt, and I wasn't sure whether he even liked me. I think sometimes I took my frustrations out on him in Glee class, making jokes at his expense, he always let it slide for some reason though, he didn't challenge me on it when I always thought he would."

"Maybe he sensed that you were going through something Santana, and wanted to give you time to work through it. I know when David came to practice for the halftime show, you were pretty angry in class at him, so it looked to me that you were ready to stand up for Kurt when it was needed."

"I wish I had done more to help Kurt when he was here at McKinley, I think I was just as scared as he was. I watched him every day and it was so hard, because secretly I was thinking that if people found out about me they would start bullying me too."

"I am sure if you called him today he would meet you after school to talk."

"Rachel said the same thing to me this morning, I guess I need to get this over with and admit I probably need his advice. I think I was hoping I could go a while longer avoiding the labels, but that's what I have been doing all year, and it didn't help, and just ended up making me lose Brittany."

"Do you want to finish your classes for the day, or do you want me to give you a note to get out of school? I think you have had a pretty rough day already, if you want to get away for the rest of the day, it will be ok."

Do I want to go, if I go home, my Mom will wonder why. I could offer to meet Kurt at Dalton, that would give me someplace to go. I really did want to get away from the school before Lauren stopped me on the sports field.

"Yeah, Mr. Schue, I think I will drive up to Dalton and meet Kurt there. I think a long drive will help me clear my head and I can save Kurt the bus ride home."

Mr. Schue grabs a piece of letterhead from his desk and writes my permission to leave.

"Here you go Santana, and remember, please come to me about anything, you don't have to go through this alone."

"I will Mr. Schue, thanks a lot, I really appreciate it."

"Just two more things before you go. Did you want to sing a song in Glee club on Wednesday? If you want to do a solo I can leave a spot open for you. It might help to sing about what you are going through." Damn, he is playing to my vanity, he knows I like singing solos just as much as Berry and Mercedes do.

"Umm, sure, I guess I can come up with something, and it probably will make me feel better." I am already thinking of something, but I will have to think it over before I decide for sure.

"The other thing Santana, you remember the alcohol pledge form we all signed?" He is looking at me seriously now, I hope he doesn't think I am going to go drink myself insensible, although the idea has a certain amount of appeal.

"Yes I remember Mr. Schue."

"You have my cell phone number from the form, I want you to call or text me if you need to talk, even at night after school. If you need my help I want you to call me right away, any time." He squeezes his hand on my shoulder, he really is the greatest teacher I have ever had.

"I have your number already in my phone Mr. Schue. I really appreciate everything you are doing to be there for me."

"Ok Santana, I'll see you tomorrow, and the door to my office is always open, come talk to me anytime you need to."

"Ok, thanks for everything Mr. Schue."

As we get up from our chairs, I quickly give him a hug before I go. I know he usually discourages that, too many girls at school have a crush on him, but I think he knows I just mean it because I am grateful.


	7. Chapter 7: Realizations

**Title:** Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 7: Realizations

**Character(s):** Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Rachel Berry, Kurt Hummel

**Rating:** T for language

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort/Coming Out/Depression

**Description:** Santana is dealing with intense depression over Brittany and coming to terms with herself. Rumors about Santana's sexuality are now all over school and Karofsky has started a bullying campaign against her. Even though she retaliated Santana is still afraid of Karofsky and not unsure if he is going to back off. After talking everything out with Mr. Schuester she has decided to drive to Dalton and talk to Kurt...

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_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

_I welcome feedback and suggestions._

_This is a Brittana story, but I will be focusing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will pursue the relationship with Brittany later into the story._

_I am going to be sticking to mostly canon personalities as best as I am able. The only LGBT characters are Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Blaine, and Karofsky._

_I may introduce a love interest for Santana later in the story as a plot device to further the relationship between Brittany and Santana._

_This story takes place after the events of "Sexy" and "Original Song". Regionals took place on Friday. For four days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) Santana went through a period of intense depression which is alluded to in the story and described in Chapter 3 through flashbacks._

* * *

**Chapter 7: Realizations**

As I am walking through the school to the receptionists office I am tempted to stop in the washroom and check my face, but I imagine I just look puffy red, what's the point now. I do see Berry at her locker though, and I could use something clean to wear so I don't have to wear this sticky blouse all the way to Dalton.

"Rachel, can I have that sundress to wear." I probably look like a mess, I hope I can keep this conversation short and restrain Berry from chattering at me till the sun goes down.

"Did you get slushied Santana? Why didn't you text me, I would have brought it to you right there and then?"

"I was upset and didn't want to talk about it at the time. Mr. Schue is letting me leave school early and I need something clean to wear. So can I still borrow the dress?" I know I look impatient, I hope she gets the hint and doesn't try to meddle right now.

"Sure, here it is." She pulls a bag out of her locker and hands it to me.

"Santana, do you need to talk? I am here for you if you do, I can come with you if you want." It's really hard to even remotely dislike Berry sometimes, she tries way too hard to be nice to me.

"Not right now Rachel, I just need to go someplace and clear my head for a bit ok. I promise I will talk to you about things later, I am not blowing you off, I just need some space for a bit."

"Ok Santana, I understand, give me a call tonight if you want to talk."

"I will Rachel, and thanks again for everything, you have been a really good friend and I appreciate it."

What the hell, I decide to surprise her, and pull her into a quick hug. I have been resistant to accepting that Rachel Berry is actually my friend for a long time. She does annoy me sometimes with her diva crap, but she is also a lot more supportive than most people. I think it's time for me to realize that all the kids in Glee club are my friends, including Rachel frigging Berry.

"I'll see you later Rachel."

I walk off with a quick wave goodbye, no sense giving her a chance to get in the last word. Plus I want to get out of here. A quick stop in the washroom to ditch the sticky blouse and my bra, I might have to stop somewhere and buy one. It's a relief to wipe my skin down and get the slushy crap off my breasts, yuck. I swear I will never even think of throwing a slushy at someone, this is so annoying. I am glad right now that Rachel is kind of a prude about her clothes, the white sundress that would be down to her ankles is below my knees, so it's not too short, and the cotton is think enough that I can get away without having a bra on. I put my black belt around my waste, I am a bit slimmer than Rachel, and finally the leather jacket over top.

Damn, I look kind of gay. Now I am a frigging lesbian cliché. Oh well, I guess it is what it is, at least I have a clean outfit on. I would hate driving with that sticky blouse on the whole way to Dalton.

I don't want to go home right now and have to talk to my Mom about everything, I am just not ready for that conversation yet. I know the rumors are going to be flying everywhere right now and they might get back to my parents, but hopefully I can hold off telling them for a day or two. I don't even have a clue what I want to say to them. My parents are Catholic but they aren't overly pushy about it, and I know Mom and Dad have friends that are gay, so they can't be totally un-accepting. Berry's dads have even been over for coffee a couple times.

I better hand in this note Mr. Schuester gave me, there are still two hours of classes left for the day and I don't want to get absences on my record.

"Mrs. Babchuck, do you have a minute?"

"Sure, Santana, what can I do for you?"

"I have this note from Mr. Schuester, I am not feeling very good so I am going to go home if that's ok."

She takes the note from me to read it. I don't think it's because she doesn't trust me, but then I have tried to skip out of school with fake notes before, so I guess it is because she doesn't trust me.

"Make sure you get one of your friends to pick up your homework Santana, and feel better ok."

"I will Mrs. Babchuck, thanks, have a good afternoon." I wave to her as I leave the school office. Doesn't hurt to be a bit of a suck up to the school staff, I need all the good graces I can get at this school now.

Finally back outside, at least now I am out of school legit instead of skipping. They might have called my parents if I didn't get permission from Mr. Schuester. Breathe, relax. It's a nice day out, if I get to Dalton early enough I can hit the park and feed the ducks...

Crap, stop that Santana, that's what you do with Brittany, don't make yourself cry again. Stop thinking about Britt, and the ducks, and pretty blue eyes...

Too late more tears, darn it, I hate this feeling crap. I never cried this much when I was little, now I am crying every fucking minute and it sucks. Think about something else, think about something that makes me mad.

I probably shouldn't have let Lauren talk me into going after Karofsky, I am still not sure that was a good idea. Even when he backed off in the hallway after we slushied him, there was still that hate in his eyes when he looked at me. What the fuck is his problem anyway, I just don't get it, who the fuck cares if I like girls, what's it to him? Heck, why did he even care about Kurt so much, I really wish I knew what his fucking problem was and why he hates Kurt and I so much. It's not like I am ever going to flirt with him or anything, hell even when I was pretending to be straight hell would freeze over before I even thought of getting together with that idiot Karofsky. Same goes for Kurt, Kurt might be into guys, but Karofsky is the last guy on earth that Kurt would even think of hitting on. I just don't get it.

Yay! My car, freedom at last. I am so out of here.

Fuck! Some idiot put piece of paper on my windshield. This crap is starting to get old. I am not even going to bother reading it, I can tell from a glance it's just some rant about me being a dyke. I tear it up into little pieces and let it blow away on the wind. Out of sight out of mind.

I am really glad I never bothered to look at my myspace and facebook for the last week. From what Berry hinted at it sounds like it was pretty bad. Getting her to delete my profiles was for the best, there is no point leaving that crap up for my family to see.

It's nice to be on the road, I can open my window and let the wind blow through my hair. Time to ditch the ponytail. I don't care if I look like a mess when I get to Dalton. I just want to relax. This is just what I needed, to get away, enjoy the beautiful day. Forget about school, forget about being confused, forget about pretty blue eyes...

Stop, no crying Santana, I order you to take a break from your own head and stop thinking about depressing crap. I am such a head case talking to myself all the time.

Nice, out of the town limits, and a peaceful 30 minute drive to Dalton Academy. Shit I forgot to call Kurt. Better pull over and do this, there is a lane over there I can stop in. He is probably in class, I'll text him and see.

_Kurt, you in class right now?_

_Nope, have a spare, what's up?_

_Phoning, sec..._

"Hey Santana, what did you need?"

"Hey Kurt. Umm, you been on the Internet recently?"

"Oh, it's about that. I was wondering if you were going to call me eventually."

"Yeah, sorry, I needed to clear my head a bit before I was ready to talk to you. I am driving up to Dalton now, can you get together, or I can just give you a ride home after school?"

"I am available for both, do you mind if Blaine tags along?"

"Umm, well, I guess so. I thought it might be easier to talk to you alone first, but I suppose I could use advice from both of you."

"He doesn't have to come Santana, if it makes you uncomfortable."

"Nah, I am good Kurt, no sense making him take the bus back to Lima by himself when he can ride with us."

"Ok, I'll let him know."

"Are you both stuck in school till 3:30?"

"Yeah, I only have this one spare, then I have math before school lets out."

"I'll wait for you guys down at the park beside Dalton then, I guess I'll feed the ducks or something." Sheesh, did I just say that, I am such a sap.

"Ok, well walk down and meet you when school is out."

"K, see you there Kurt."

Time to get back on the highway. At least there isn't much traffic right now, I can let my mind wander a bit while I drive out to Dalton. Damn, I am not sure I am comfortable talking in front of Blaine too. I have only met him a few times. I suppose it doesn't matter, more than likely Kurt is going to tell him everything I say anyway, he is Kurt's boyfriend.

This is it, this is the point where I have to face it, no avoiding now. Kurt isn't going to let me keep pretending, he knows why I am coming to talk to him, I am sure all the rumors have gotten to him by now. I have some time to think it over on my way, get things clear in my head.

Am I a lesbian? I am not totally sure, but I think I might be. I can't remember if I have been into any other girls other than Britt. But the more I think back I just don't think I am into guys at all. I never admitted this to Puckerman but I never had an orgasm once the whole time we hooked up. It was always uncomfortable, and I just ended up faking to get it over with. I never let guys get affectionate with me, I don't like kissing them, I just made myself make out with guys so they didn't break up with me. I made out with a lot of guys at school, but I never really enjoyed it that much.

I have only slept with 3 guys, a lot of the guys I made out with said we had sex, but it was only 3. Shit I remember taking Finn's v-card, that was bad, really bad. Poor Finn I think I ruined sex for him, and I totally made him feel like shit after too. Only one other guy, Jason, he was my first boyfriend, and we dated for a short time before I met Puck. Jason was my first and I think he was probably a virgin too when we did it so it's no surprise that it was bad. Puckerman is the only experienced guy I ever slept with, and I do admit sometimes it felt ok, and definitely better than it was with Finn and Jason, but it still doesn't compare to Britt.

Britt, what can I say, there were so many beautiful days and she totally rocked my world. I loved kissing her, cuddling, just holding her. I loved how soft her skin was and how much fun it was to touch her all over. I loved staring into her pretty blue eyes, and seeing her smile, her beautiful smile. I used to love brushing her hair after we made out, and just being girly with her. All of the little things that add up to me being totally head over heels in love with Brittany S Pierce. I love all the silly things she says, she always cracks me up. I think a lot of people don't realize but some of the ditzy things Britt says is to see if she can get me to smile. She always used to tell me that I didn't smile enough and that she loved my smile. I smiled a lot when I was with Britt, she always made my day better, I miss her so much...

Don't cry Santana, just relax, take a deep breath. Just breathe. Focus on the highway, on driving, on the lines, the sky, the clouds...

Better, I have it under control again, I can feel the ache still, my heart is hurting, but I have the feelings under control. Admitting to Britt that I love her really opened the floodgates, I never realized how much I was into her till now. Last weekend I got so depressed I almost killed myself, Rachel and my Mom wouldn't leave me alone all weekend. I can't remember if I actually did something, I think I was just hysterical and wouldn't talk, all I could do was cry.

Other than Britt though, have I liked other girls? I think for a little while I was vaguely attracted to Quinn, but then she is beyond pretty, I think even some straight girls would think Quinn is pretty. There was Miranda on the Cheerios, I always thought she was pretty hot, and she actually flirted with me sometimes like she was testing the waters. Wow, I wonder if Miranda is actually bi or gay, I never even thought of that till now.

Oh.. Wait...

_I am 12, and she has been my friend since I was 8. Laura Wilkins, and I love her more than anything in the world. She is my best friend in the whole world, and I love her so much it hurts. We are always together, we go to school together, we spend almost every waking moment together. I love when we play house. We take turns playing the mommy and daddy, but we always like the kissing part the best, we always kiss when we play house together. I love cuddling with her when we watch movies. We watched "Toy Story" yesterday and just held each other through the whole movie, and she kissed my cheeks, and it was so wonderful having her with me..._

_I am 13, and my heart is broken, and it can never be put together again. Laura's dad got transferred to Boston, they are moving away, I will never see my beloved Laura again. I said goodbye to her today and she gave me a lock of her hair and I gave her one of mine. I gave her my favourite teddy bear and told her he would always love her like I do. I can't stop crying, I love Laura so much and I will never see her again, she is gone forever, and I am heartbroken..._

_Two weeks have gone by and my Mom is worried, I am not eating, I am deep in depression. She knows that Laura was my best friend and that I must be grieving our relationship. Mom hopes that I will get better before cheerleader camp in the summer. She hopes I will meet some other girls to be friends with._

_A month has gone by since Laura moved away and I know my Mom is really worried, I have lost weight, and I have no enthusiasm for anything. Mom and Dad think I might need counselling to get through this. My Dad seems sad for some reason, he talks to me privately about my feelings for Laura and it makes him cry. Dad takes some time off work, he tells my Mom to not worry about the counselling, he is a doctor and he thinks he can help me get through it. Dad takes me to the park every day, and we go for long walks, he encourages me to talk about Laura. He says I need to get the feelings out so I will feel better. He isn't as sad as he was, but he tells me not to tell my Mom how much I loved Laura._

Oh my god! My Dad knows, he has always known. I have to stop my car before I drive into the ditch.

He knows! Why did I block it out. Why didn't he talk to me about it more? Or did he and I just forgot. I remember him looking strangely at Brittany and I a few times. He had come home early from work and Brittany and I were upstairs in my bedroom, and we were...

_I am 15 years old. Dad came home early and surprised Brittany and I. We got dressed quickly and fixed each other's hair and went down to see my Dad. I am a little embarrassed and my face is flushed. I know what we were doing was naughty, but I hope my Dad didn't hear us..._

_After supper, Dad had driven Brittany home for the night, and then he came up to my bedroom._

_"Hey sweetie, how are you doing?"_

_"I'm good Dad, I wish Brittany could stay overnight though."_

_"So you and Brittany are pretty close friends?"_

_"Yeah, we do everything together all the time."_

_"Do you like being with Brittany as much as you used to like Laura?"_

_"I guess Dad, its different because I am older now."_

_"What about boyfriends Santana, do you have a boyfriend at school right now?"_

_"I am dating this boy named Noah, I guess I like him."_

_"Do you like Noah better than Brittany?"_

_"Nah, Noah is just a silly boy, he is ok I guess, but I have way more fun with Brittany."_

_My Dad looks at me strangely for several minutes holding my hand in his. I can tell he is struggling with something, he wants to ask me more questions, but he hesitates. There is nothing but love on his face, my Dad loves me, and I love him. I jump out from under the covers and wrap my arms around my daddy's neck and give him a big wet kiss on the cheeks. He laughs at me then and just holds me tight in his arms._

_"I will always love you Santana, no matter what, and you can tell me anything."_

_"I love you too daddy."_

_"Honey, I want you to come talk to me if you are ever unsure about anything ok, or if you have any questions about girls and boys, come ask me first. Remember I know more about these things because I am a doctor."_

_"Ok Dad, I will."_

_"You are special my beautiful sweet girl, never let anyone in this world tell you otherwise."_

_"Oh Dad, your embarrassing me."_

_"Well back to bed Santana, you have school in the morning."_

_My Dad tucks me in and gives me a kiss good night..._

I keep my car parked on the side of the road for several minutes. Tears streaming down my face. My Dad knows, and he wanted to talk about it with me, but why didn't he? Did he think I was too young? Did he think I wasn't ready? Or maybe he just wasn't sure like I am not sure. Maybe he didn't want to interfere until I came to him. That must be it, he wasn't sure, and he was waiting for me to ask for his advice.

I am gay, a lesbian, and I always have been...


	8. Chapter 8: Reflections and Ducks

**Title:** Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 8: Reflections and Ducks

**Character(s):** Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce

**Rating:** T for language

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort/Coming Out

**Description:** Santana is dealing with intense depression over Brittany and coming to terms with herself. Rumors about Santana's sexuality are now all over school and Karofsky has started a bullying campaign against her. On the drive down to Dalton Santana remembered that she loved another girl when she was 12, before Brittany. She realized that she had preferred girls for as long as she can remember and that her Dad has known all along...

* * *

_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

**_Thank you for all the wonderful feedback, I really appreciate it. Feel free to send me feedback and suggestions, I welcome your input._**

_This is a Brittana story, but I will be focusing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will pursue the relationship with Brittany later into the story._

_I am going to be sticking to mostly canon personalities as best as I am able. The only LGBT characters are Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Blaine, and Karofsky._

_I may introduce a love interest for Santana later in the story as a plot device to further the relationship between Brittany and Santana._

_This story takes place after the events of "Sexy" and "Original Song". Regionals took place on Friday. For four days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) Santana went through a period of intense depression which is alluded to in the story and described in Chapter 3 through flashbacks._

* * *

_**Previous Chapters:**_

Chapter 1: Rumors - Rachel Berry told Santana that there were rumors about her sexuality going around the school. Cyber bullies had defaced Santana's Facebook and MySpace so she had Rachel delete them for her.

Chapter 2: A Running Confession - When going for her morning jog Santana meets up with Sam who is practicing for the track team. She finally finds the courage to tell him the truth and they break up but agree to remain friends.

Chapter 3: The Black Time - While jogging Santana begins to remember the events of the weekend where she became so deeply depressed that Rachel and her Parents were worried she might commit suicide.

Chapter 4: Alone - Santana faces Brittany and asks her for space before she can go back to being friends again. Karofsky attacks Santana with a Slushy and insults her, he scares Santana with how much he obviously hates her.

Chapter 5: The Bitch is Back - Lauren Zizes convinces Santana that she needs to do something to show Karofsky that she won't allow him to bully her. The two girls decide to slushy him to teach him a lesson.

Chapter 6: Regrets - Santana speaks with Mr. Schuester after the slushy incident and faces her regrets over the relationship with Brittany and the mistakes she made by not coming out sooner to try and save the relationship.

Chapter 7: Realizations - On her way to Dalton Academy to see Kurt, Santana looks back on her relationship with her father and realizes that he may have always known may be gay, and he has supported her.

* * *

**Chapter 8: Reflections and Ducks**

My Dad knows...

I grab some Kleenex and wipe the tears away, now isn't the right time to think about these things, I am parked on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. I need to get to the park and get some privacy and fresh air. I pull back into traffic and back on the road. Just focus on the road Santana, wait until I get to the park then I can try and look back and figure things out.

The wind feels good, it helps to calm me. I have all the windows open and the wind is cool and refreshing on my face and through my hair. It's peaceful. I am going to feed the ducks after all, I need to do something to calm my nerves and forget my problems. I know it was something I only did with Brittany, but now I want to do it by myself, and maybe it will help me to think about her for a little while. There is a gas station ahead that sells groceries, I pull in and buy a loaf of bread for the ducks and a large bottle of water for me. I am feeling pretty thirsty actually, too much crying I guess, after I take drink I am back out on the highway.

Not too much farther now, I can see the Dalton Academy buildings. It borders the community park out here too, so thankfully I don't have to hang out on the campus waiting for Kurt and Blaine to meet me. There is a parking lot near the pond, I guess I'll park there. I grab the blanket from my trunk that I always kept for when Brittany and I went to the park together, and... what the heck I grab the guitar case too.

Only Brittany and Sam actually know I have been taking guitar lessons since January. It was Sam actually that made me think I would like to learn. When he first joined the Glee club in October I saw him playing by himself in the choir room. I wanted to find out about him anyway so I let him teach me how to play a song and I found I really enjoyed it. I know how to play the piano, but it's nice to have an instrument that you can take with you if you want to try out different music. When I told my Dad in December that I was interested in trying the guitar he bought me a decent used acoustic guitar for Christmas. I am still pretty average but Brittany always said I was awesome, of course she isn't exactly the most reliable critique, she likes "My Headband" so her taste in music isn't very developed.

Damn, I better bring the stupid Kleenex, I just know I am going to start crying again, at least no one is going to see me now.

It's a nice day actually for March, it's a little cool, but warm enough that the thick sundress and leather jacket are sufficient. I don't recognize the reflection in the pond, it's not what I am used to. The girl who looks back at me is young and vulnerable. She has no makeup on, only a touch of red on her lips. Her eyes are red from crying too much, and her hair frames her face wildly. Her cheeks have red marks like scratches, probably from the slushy Karofsky threw at her. The white sundress makes her look even younger, she looks like a girl from an old photograph, soft and feminine. Except for the black belt, boots, and leather jacket, they give this feminine girl a little bit of an edge.

I look a little bit like what I always thought a lesbian would look like. Seriously I look like I am going to go to an Indigo Girl's concert. I am such a cliché it's not even funny. Kurt and Blaine are going to think this is hilarious when they see me, I know for a fact I am going to be in for some teasing today. I guess I have a bit of it coming, I used to tease Kurt the same way about being a walking Lady Gaga advertisement.

There is bench right near the water at the pond where I sit and I start tearing the bread apart to feed the ducks. There are a few different types of ducks at the pond and some other birds, seagulls as always, some robins, and sparrows. I miss Brittany, she would have fun naming the different types of birds for me. She always has her bird book in her backpack, she always loved reading about different animals. I feel bad for her sometimes, her dyslexia frustrates her because she wants to do well in school but the exams are always a challenge unless she studies for a long time. I have tried my best to help her with her homework in high school, and we are in most of the same classes. I think if Britt had a choice she would become a veterinarian after high school, but it's almost as hard to become a vet as it is to become a doctor. I know my Dad told her once that she could get certified as a veterinarian assistant and still be able to work with animals that way. I remember how happy she was, she made me take her down to the Humane Society so she could talk to the Vet assistants and find out everything she could about it.

I barely notice the tears are coming down again, at least I am just crying quietly, it's not as painful as before. I am just lonely, and I miss my girl. Why did I have to wait so long to tell her? Why did I push her into dating Artie? Why couldn't I have just let myself love her back at the beginning of the school year when she pressured me? Why did I waste so many opportunities?

Shame I guess, I was afraid of people knowing. It didn't help that Kurt was being so badly bullied, I was so afraid that if they found about me and Britt they would turn on us too. I tried to help Kurt as much as I could, but there wasn't much I could do personally. There was one time I found Kurt sitting in one of the school stairwells at school and he was crying. Kurt saw me and I saw on his face that he expected me to make fun of him, but I just sat beside him and put my arm over his shoulders and let him talk to me. We didn't talk about it after, we weren't exactly close, but I wanted him to know that I understood what he was going through.

Then there is frigging Artie, stupid McCripple Pants. I hate the way he treats Brittany, it makes me so mad every time I watch them together. I don't deny I get jealous seeing them, but its more than that, he is disrespecting her and demeaning her and I hate it. He did the same crap to Tina too. I remember Tina told me why she broke up with Artie over the summer and it was because of the way Artie always acted so misogynistic and took her for granted. I think Brittany genuinely loves Artie, she likes having a steady boyfriend who doesn't seem to be getting bored with her. Most high school boys don't have the patience for Brittany, she is a daydreamer and can be hard to understand if you don't know her.

Ok I know it, I am totally in love with her, I can't stop thinking about her all the frigging time. The worst part is that it's my own fault that she is with Artie, I drove her to him. I miss her all the time, and I have this pain in my chest that just won't go away.

Out of bread, the ducks and birds are bored of me now, if Britt were here she would make me sit as close to the water as we could so she could talk to the ducks. I think she always thought if she could make friends with them they would come over to us. It was fun though, to just sit near the water and hold Britt in my arms and just look at the ducks and birds together. I miss her so much. I am making myself cry constantly, I swear I am going to run out of Kleenex if this keeps up. I should have stocked up at the convenience store while I was there. I grab the bottle of water and drink a few sips, it helps to relieve the pressure in my throat and chest, the pain is still there, but it's a bit more manageable.

I think I might talk to my Dad about seeing a therapist, looking back at my relationship with Brittany and Laura I have a tendency to get pretty intense and the depression sometimes gets the best of me. All my time with Brittany I was actually clingy, I was the clingy and needy one. Even though I couldn't admit my feelings that didn't stop me from acting clingy, always needing to hold her hand all the time, always cuddling with Britt every chance I could get. Crap, Zizes was right I was pretty much broadcasting to everyone that I was into Britt the whole time.

The ducks are reminding me too much of Britt, I need a break. I grab my things and head over to shady spot near the trees and set my blanket down. It's getting a little cooler now but I have my leather jacket, and the sundress Rachel lent me is thick enough that I am still warm. Brittany would laugh if she saw me now, I look like I am seriously ready to go to a Lilith Fair Concert or the local folk festival. Santana Lopez has turned into a total lesbian cliché! If it wasn't so sad, I would start rolling on the ground laughing at myself.

Well I'll fool around with my guitar for a bit. I am not very good yet, but I can usually handle Taylor Swift songs, she writes all her music with pretty simple chords. I need to practice some more for sure. My throat is too tight for singing, so I just play the few songs I know, trying different chords out, practicing the harder chord stretches. I haven't practiced as often as I should have, I guess I'll have more time now that I am single, I don't even have a fake boyfriend anymore. I can't help switching over to "Landslide", it's the Dixie Chicks version because the country version is a bit easier for me to play than the original Stevie Nicks version. Even though the song reminds me of my confession to Brittany I find it relaxing to play, I am mostly focussed on trying to get the chords right, it's a good distraction.

My Dad knows...

My thoughts return to that. He has known longer than I have, I was too young to understand, but my Dad understood, he read the signs, and he knew. My Dad is a doctor, he could tell that I was unusually attached to my female friends, that I had loved my friend Laura Wilkins, and that I am in love with Brittany now.

Why didn't he talk to me about this?

Was he waiting for me to talk to him?

Was he trying to protect me from the labels, giving me time be old enough to deal with it?

I know he has always been protective of me, he never liked any of my boyfriends and always made them feel uncomfortable in our house. He never once tried to stop me from seeing Brittany. If he did know about us it obviously didn't bother him that I was seeing Brittany. I can remember how many times he took Brittany and I to the movies, to the park, to so many different things. When my Dad had a day off he would always ask if I wanted to do something with him, and if I wanted I could bring Brittany along. My Dad loved Brittany, he always made her feel welcome in our home, he was always kind and understanding to her. He was always patient when she asked him questions about ducks, and birds, and cats. She loved talking about biology and animals, it was always her favourite subject, and my Dad loved helping her look things up on the Internet and in his textbooks from school. It was one of the games we would play together, the three of us, looking up animal trivia for fun and asking each other questions.

Why did Dad encourage me to like Brittany? Did he see that I didn't like the boys I was dating? Did he see the discomfort I felt whenever my boyfriends touched me or tried to put their arms around me. So many times when they would drop me off at home and kiss me goodnight, and Dad would suddenly open the door and usher me inside. I never once made out or had sex with a boy in our home, boys were not allowed to stay over, and only one of my boyfriends, Puck, was ever invited to stay for supper. I think Dad knew I didn't really like them, so he wanted our home to be safe from that. He must have known I was trying to fit myself into a pattern that wasn't right for me, and he wanted to make sure that when I was at home I didn't have to pretend like I did at school.

He never spoke to me about any of these things, but now looking back everything starts to fit together. So many signs and I never saw any of them. Was Dad protecting me from Mom? I am not sure now, I always thought my Mom would understand if I told her, but now I am unsure. If my Dad knows, why doesn't Mom?

Our family is Catholic. Mom's parents are very strict and Dad's aren't. I remember a conversation Dad and I had once he told me about his Uncle Santos, my Grandma's younger brother, who lives in San Francisco, he is gay. Uncle Santos never visits us, he isn't fond of my Mom. Dad and I visited Uncle Santos once two years ago. It was fun, we took in all the sites in San Francisco, I got to see the Golden Gate Bridge. Uncle Santos introduced us to his boyfriend Mark, they have been together for a long time, since the 70's. They showed me pictures of when they were both hippies together, it was hilarious and we all laughed at the silly clothes they used to wear.

Now I need to think back about my mother, this is important. I know we have had guests over who were gay, one of the doctors that my dad works with, Dr. Lydia Erikson. Lydia visited a few times with her partner Amanda who works in crisis counselling, and Dad wanted me to talk with them. Mom was uncomfortable while they were visiting, she was polite. Too polite! Too formal! I remember now.

When Mom and Dad came to see me at the Show Choir Sectionals he met with Rachel's dads and found out they live in our neighbourhood. Dad knew Rachel and I aren't very close, but he still wanted to invite them over for coffee a few times. I remember Dad asked me once to lighten up on Rachel and stop being so mean to her, he said I could use a friend who lives close by. When Dad bought me the car he made me promise to give Rachel rides to school, he said since she lives only a few blocks away there is no excuse for me not to offer her a ride.

All this time my Dad has been trying to show me that gay people can live as a happy couple and even have a family like Rachel's. All this time my Dad has been trying to teach me that it is ok to be gay, he has been trying to prepare me for what was coming in my own life...

Mom always asked me about my boyfriends and would constantly pester me about whether I wanted to marry Puck someday, and later the same thing about Sam. Puck came over a couple of times when my Mom asked him to, but Dad always made Puck feel uncomfortable. There is more going on here than I can see, but I know now that I need to talk to my Dad first, and I need to talk to him alone. I think he has been trying to keep me from telling my Mom and I need to know why...


	9. Chapter 9: Coming Out To A Friend

**Title:** Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 9: Coming Out To A Friend

**Character(s):** Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Kurt Hummel, Blaine Anderson, Rachel Berry

**Rating:** T for language

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort/Coming Out

**Description:** Santana talks to Kurt and Blaine about her sexuality and asks for advice on talking to her parents. Kurt is considering transferring back to McKinley High to take some of the financial pressure off his Father and Step-Mother as they won't be able to afford to keep him in Dalton Academy.

**Note: **Some people might wonder why Kurt and Rachel are so aware of Santana's situation. Rachel already figured it out in "Sexy" when she teased Santana about the "Sapphic Charm" of the "Landslide" song, and I already used that as the reason that Santana has only confided in Rachel as my story progressed. Kurt was one of the students who overheard Santana and Brittany talking on their cell phones and Brittany said that "if sex were dating then Santana and I would be dating." Kurt being gay himself would have been better able to pick up the vibe between the two girls that the other heterosexual students may not have noticed.

* * *

_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

_I welcome feedback and suggestions._

_This is a Brittana story, but I will be focusing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will pursue the relationship with Brittany later into the story._

_I am going to be sticking to mostly canon personalities as best as I am able. The only LGBT characters are Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Blaine, and Karofsky._

_I may introduce a love interest for Santana later in the story as a plot device to further the relationship between Brittany and Santana._

_This story takes place after the events of "Sexy" and "Original Song". Regionals took place on Friday. For four days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) Santana went through a period of intense depression which is alluded to in the story and described in Chapter 3 through flashbacks._

* * *

_**Previous Chapters:**_

_Chapter 1: Rumors - Rachel Berry told Santana that there were rumors about her sexuality going around the school. Cyber bullies had defaced Santana's Facebook and MySpace so she had Rachel delete them for her._

_Chapter 2: A Running Confession - When going for her morning jog Santana meets up with Sam who is practicing for the track team. She finally finds the courage to tell him the truth and they break up but agree to remain friends._

_Chapter 3: The Black Time - While jogging Santana begins to remember the events of the weekend where she became so deeply depressed that Rachel and her Parents were worried she might commit suicide._

_Chapter 4: Alone - Santana faces Brittany and asks her for space before she can go back to being friends again. Karofsky attacks Santana with a Slushy and insults her, he scares Santana with how much he obviously hates her._

_Chapter 5: The Bitch is Back - Lauren Zizes convinces Santana that she needs to do something to show Karofsky that she won't allow him to bully her. The two girls decide to slushy him to teach him a lesson._

_Chapter 6: Regrets - Santana speaks with Mr. Schuester after the slushy incident and faces her regrets over the relationship with Brittany and the mistakes she made by not coming out sooner to try and save the relationship._

_Chapter 7: Realizations__ - On her way to Dalton Academy to see Kurt, Santana looks back on her relationship with her father and realizes that he may have always known may be gay, and he has supported her._

_Chapter 8: Reflections and Ducks - Santana spent some time on her own reflecting on her relationship with Brittany and her Parents._

* * *

**Chapter 9: Coming Out To A Friend**

_**Santana Lopez's perspective (POV) - Tuesday afternoon - approximately 3:30 PM**_

Still waiting for Kurt and Blaine to get off school. I left my cell phone in the car so I have no idea what time it is. It's probably getting near to three-thirty by now. Oh well, they'll get here when they get here.

Maybe I can try a harder song, I was practicing this one at home the other day, I might be able sing now, my throat is feeling more relaxed. I take a drink from my water bottle and clear my throat a few times. Run through some scales, my voice is a bit rough, but I can handle a song out here in the park with no one watching me. Just to remind myself of the chording, I should listen to it on my iPod straight through. I scroll through the playlist till I find it "Wait" by Sarah McLachlan. As I listen to the song on the iPod I strum along on the guitar trying to get the chords right so I can try singing it through myself...

_**(Sarah McLachlan - "Wait")**_

_Under a blackened sky  
Far beyond the glaring streetlights  
Sleeping on empty dreams  
The vultures lie in wait  
You lay down beside me then  
You were with me every waking hour  
So close I could feel your breath_

_When all we wanted was the dream  
To have and to hold that precious little thing  
Like every generation yields  
The new born hope unjaded by their years_

_Pressed..._

* * *

_**Kurt Hummel's perspective (POV) - Tuesday afternoon - approximately 3:30 PM**_

Classes are finally ended for the day and Blaine and I gather our books to head out to the community park beside Dalton Academy. I wonder what Santana is going to say? Probably she is bisexual, I always thought she was. I wonder though, the stuff posted on Facebook and MySpace about her is all saying she is a lesbian, but of course most of those people are trying to harass her like they did me, so I can't trust anything that was posted. She took her accounts down this morning, I checked after she called me and they are gone now. I suppose I would have done the same in her shoes with the amount of crap they were posting to her profiles.

I try to think back to what I saw between her and Brittany, it always just looked like two bi-curious girls fooling around, but could it have been more serious than that? Santana was always more affectionate with Brittany than she ever was with Puck and Finn. I have no idea how she was with Sam. All I know is what Rachel and I talked about last night...

* * *

_**Monday Night (Kurt's POV)**_

_My phone is ringing, not sure I should answer it, I have to get this assignment done for tomorrow. It's Rachel, I wonder what she needs. I saw her at Regionals on the weekend, when the Warblers lost unfortunately. I sort of expected us to lose to New Directions, lately the musical numbers have gotten so repetitive and I just feel there is no creativity in the Warblers, it's just same, same, same all the time._

_"Hi Rachel."_

_"Hi Kurt, how are you doing this evening?"_

_"I'm fine Rachel, doing homework, is it important?"_

_"Well..." I can hear her breathing into the phone. I wonder what's up Rachel isn't usually one to be at a loss for words._

_"Umm, Kurt is your computer on?" I wonder what this is about, she is being so vague..._

_"Yes I have it on, I am working on a book report."_

_"Would you mind going to Facebook for a minute, I want you to look at Santana's page please."_

_"Why Santana's? Is she saying something bad about you?"_

_"Umm, Kurt this is really important, please look at it, it's a bit upsetting to talk about and I need you to look at it first, it isn't about me at all, it is about Santana and what people are saying about her."_

_"Ok Rachel, give me a minute and I'll look at it. I am going to set the phone down ok."_

_"Ok, look at Santana's MySpace page too."_

_I set the phone on my desk and bring up both of Santana's profile pages and start reading the recent postings. Karofsky? Why is he posting on her... Damn it, I hate that asshole so much. Why is he calling her a dyke? He got all his football and hockey buddies to post things too, her profiles are filled up with this garbage. I pick up the phone, my hand is actually shaking with how angry I am, I need to do something about that asshole and soon if he is going after the McKinley Glee Club again._

_"Rachel, where are all these rumours coming from? Why did they start going after Santana saying that she is gay?"_

_"Oh Kurt," Rachel's voice breaks over the phone line. Is she crying? "You would not believe how horrible this weekend has been, I have never seen anyone as depressed as she is; and she hasn't even seen what is on the Internet about her yet. I am afraid to call her and tell her tonight, she hasn't gotten a good sleep in days."_

_"Wait, you spent the whole weekend with Santana? I didn't think you were even friends Rachel? What is going on?"_

_"Friday night she was so upset and she couldn't stop crying so I drove her home in her car. That's why I left early, I just told everyone that Santana was sick, but it wasn't that at all, she went into a deep depression. Kurt, her parents and I... I.. we thought she was going to try and hurt herself. It was really bad, all she did was cry all the time anytime we tried to talk to her. Her Dad begged me to stay with her to help him keep an eye on her to make sure she didn't do anything."_

_"What happened? Did she break up with Sam? Or is it the rumours?"_

_"I can't say Kurt, I promised her I wouldn't say, but I need your help. It is related to the stuff on the Internet about her, but she hasn't read any of that herself. Something happened between Santana and Brittany and I don't think they are friends anymore, they have barely talked for two weeks. Some of the kids at school overheard them talking and fighting and that is how the rumours started."_

_"What can I do Rachel, Santana and I barely talk to each other?"_

_"I am going to force her to talk to you. She might not like me but she will do what I ask her to. I just wanted to make sure it was ok with you first."_

_"What happened between you and Santana Rachel? Are you friends now?"_

_"I am the only one she has confided in Kurt, because I already knew what is going on, and I am the only one who knows why Santana and Brittany aren't talking."_

_"Can you tell me anything Rachel?"_

_"This is so hard Kurt, I feel bad saying anything because I promised I wouldn't tell anyone, but I think she needs advice from you more than me. I think you can guess easily enough. It is about Brittany and Santana and the rumours about Santana on the Internet. I am still surprised Brittany hasn't gotten any grief, but maybe it is because Brittany rejected her."_

_She let it slip. Santana talked to Brittany and was rejected! Of course now it clicks into place for me, I knew they saw each other on the side while they dated different boyfriends. I always thought they were just bi-curious. Did Santana have deeper feelings than that? Is she gay? That might explain the depression that Rachel was talking about, if she realized she was in love with Brittany and got turned down that would have devastated her._

_"Ok Rachel, I won't pry anymore, I think I know enough. Do you want me to try calling her tomorrow?"_

_"No, I think it will be better if I convince Santana to phone you Kurt. I will try and get a ride to school with her in the morning and I can get her to phone you later in the day."_

_"Ok, tell her that I have time to talk after school tomorrow Rachel."_

_"Thanks so much Kurt, you don't know how much this means to me. I have been so worried about her. Please promise that you won't tell her I talked to you. I think Santana and I are finally starting to be friends and I don't want to ruin it. Just tell her that you know about the rumours from what you saw on the Internet."_

_I remember now, Rachel wasn't with us when we overheard Brittany and Santana talking about sex together last year. I keep forgetting that Rachel and I barely talked while I was still at McKinley, we were too competitive in Glee Club to be friends. I was actually closer to Santana back then, we all used to hang out without Rachel quite often. It wasn't until I came to Dalton that Rachel and I were able to have a civil conversation for longer than five minutes._

_"I promise I won't tell her."_

_"Thanks Kurt, I really appreciate that. Kurt please go easy on her, she is really emotional lately, I know you and Santana tend to insult each other a lot, but you might want to tone it down when you talk with her."_

_Rachel really is terrible at keeping secrets, I need to remind myself never to tell her anything. All her vague dancing around the issue just confirms everything I have been thinking. I guess she means well, and she obviously thinks of Santana as a friend right now, which is pretty shocking actually._

_"Don't worry Rachel, I can be gentle when I need to be, I'll handle it, just get her to phone me."_

_"Thanks again Kurt, I'll talk to you tomorrow night and find out how it went."_

_"Ok Rachel, I'm going to get my homework done, have a good night."_

_"Goodnight Kurt."_

* * *

_**Tuesday afternoon - present time 3:45 PM (Kurt's POV)**_

"Do you know what Santana needs to talk to you about Kurt, is it the stuff on the Internet that you showed me?" I can see Blaine feels a little uncomfortable coming with me, he doesn't know Santana very well. I think I better talk to Santana alone at first.

"Yes, I think she is either bisexual or possibly a lesbian and probably really confused. Since I am the only out gay she knows she probably wants my advice before she talks to other people about it. If I was in her place that's what I would be thinking. I know if there had been someone I knew who was gay or bisexual I would have talked to them before I came out. It helps to have a sounding board."

"Yeah, I know what you mean Kurt, it was pretty hard for me to come out to my parents, and my Dad and I still don't talk much."

I can see the emotions play across Blaine's face and I take his hand in mine and give it a squeeze. I know how hard it was for Blaine to come out to his friends and family. As hard as I had it at McKinley with bullying, I know Blaine sometimes envies me that my Dad and friends were way more accepting than his were. I keep holding his hand as we walk through the park, it's nicer than I ever imagined to finally have a boyfriend, I feel like I waited for an eternity to have Blaine finally want to be with me.

"Is Karofsky giving her a hard time?" He squeezes my hand as he says it knowing how difficult talking about that asshole is for me.

"Well we both saw the things he was writing all over her Internet profiles, I think he is going to do things at school too. Actually it almost seems like he has gotten worse this time, the Internet stuff was new. He didn't cyber-stalk me when I was going to McKinley. But this time around he and all his buddies have started harassing her on the Internet. It could be that they are afraid to bother her too much at school, if they got caught bullying a girl they might have a hard time getting out of being expelled this time around."

I can hear the anger in my own voice, it still riles me that Karofsky got out of the expulsion after the death threats he made to me. I swear sometimes I just want to drive my car past the school and take him out, I hate him so much I can barely stand it. Fucking closet case gay bashing asshole that he is.

"Blaine, I think I am going to talk to her privately here in the park before we drive back to Lima. Do you mind going and getting us coffees or something while Santana and I talk? I think it will be easier for her if she talks to me alone at first."

"Sure Kurt, I was going to suggest that actually, she doesn't really know me and I might make her uncomfortable."

"Can you see her in the park anywhere Blaine, I don't see her?" I look around and just can't place her.

"Isn't that Santana over there?" He points the direction for me, "the dark haired girl sitting on the blanket playing guitar?"

Blaine noticed her right away, but then he doesn't have the expectations of seeing Santana a certain way. When I look over at the girl on the blanket I am in shock. This girl in a white dress with no makeup on, playing a guitar and singing in the park, this doesn't look like the Santana I remember at all. That looks like a dress Rachel has worn before, did she actually borrow a dress from Rachel, that's more shocking than anything.

"Oh my god Blaine, she looks so damn gay! I wonder if she did that on purpose as a joke?" I still can't believe that the girl I remember who dressed to the nines and was always a bitch on heels could be this same girl I am seeing now.

"I guess she does sort of look like a lesbian doesn't she. A bit cliché she must have done it on purpose."

"I am not sure, but she definitely looks like she might have been crying." As we get closer we can hear her singing...

_**(Sarah McLachlan - Wait lyrics)**_

_Under a blackened sky  
Far beyond the glaring streetlights  
Sleeping on empty dreams  
The vultures lie in wait  
You lay down beside me then  
You were with me every waking hour_

_So close I could feel your breath  
When all we wanted was the dream  
To have and to hold that precious little thing  
Like every generation yields  
The new born hope unjaded by their years_

_Pressed up against the glass  
I found myself wanting sympathy  
But to be consumed again  
Oh I know would be the death of me  
And there is a love that's inherently given  
A kind of blindness offered to appease  
And in that light of forbidden joy  
Oh I know I won't receive it_

_When all we wanted was the dream  
To have and to hold that precious little thing  
Like every generation yields  
The newborn hope unjaded by their years_

_You know if I leave you now  
It doesn't mean that I love you any less  
It's just the state I'm in  
I can't be good to anyone else like this_

_When all we wanted was the dream  
To have and to hold that precious little thing  
Like every generation yields  
The new born hope unjaded by their years..._

I can tell she is just learning the guitar, the critic in me sensed it right away, I can hear the missed notes in the song. Her voice is rough with emotion. She has been crying, I can hear in her voice that her vocal chords are tight. But the pain she is feeling is poignant in her voice and in the song. It comes out so intensely in her singing that I almost start crying listening to her. I never thought I would see Santana in this much pain. It is now that I realize that Santana's depression has less to do with her sexuality and more to do with the person who is missing from her side. While I hold Blaine's hand and listen to Santana singing I know that she is grieving for her love for Brittany. She really does love Brittany...

* * *

_**Santana's POV - the talk begins**_

Tears are streaming down my face as I finish the song. Maybe I shouldn't have sung that one. I feel so lost inside, I love her so much, I feel empty without her. Brittany I miss you. Why did you have to choose him? Why can't you love me the way I love you? Why do I have to go through all of this alone?

As I reach for my Kleenex I see Kurt and Blaine standing and looking at me. There is no judgement in Kurt's eyes, the only thing I see is compassion. He understands I think, without me having to tell him. He understands how much I love her.

"How did I do Kurt? Was that a solo worth performing in front of the Glee Club?" I know my smile is probably a little forced, but he can see I have been crying so it isn't like I can lie to him about my feelings.

"I don't know Santana, it was a little gay don't you think? You might give everyone the wrong idea."

I can see the laughter in his eyes when he says it, he can't resist teasing me. I suppose he would be the one to see through me anyway and I can't help blushing a little and smiling sheepishly at him. I guess you are out now Santana Lopez, no more closets for you.

"I don't know Kurt, maybe Sarah McLachlan isn't gay enough, maybe I should sing a Melissa Etheridge song instead." I see the shock on his face when I say it, he didn't expect me to be this obvious and open about it.

"Blaine do you see it, it's one of those girls we read about in the textbooks, I think, yes it is, it's one of those lesbians I always read about." He is really laughing at me now and I just stick my tongue out at him.

"Darn Kurt, your right, it does look like a lesbian." Sigh, two gay boys teasing me, I hope I can get through this.

"I was just getting ready to go to an Indigo Girls Concert do you two gay boys want to come along and see how the other half lives." I flash my bitchiest smile at both of them.

"Nice comeback Lopez."

"Nice try Hummel."

"I see you boys are done at Hogwarts for the day, no Quidditch match this afternoon?" Two can play at the bitch game, and so many people have joked about Dalton being gay Hogwarts I know for sure they have both heard this before.

"You must have spent the day with Rachel Berry's fashion stylist Santana, you look like you just walked out of a vintage lesbian style magazine." Kurt gives me his version of the nasty bitch smile, he is actually not bad at playing the bitch. Just out of his league with me on a normal day.

"Actually I had to borrow this from her, stupid asshole Karofsky!"

I can feel the flash of anger on my face as I say it. As much as I like playing bitch queen with Kurt, I am still a bit annoyed about the whole slushy crap. I can see the anger in Kurt's face, not at me, but at the moment I said Karofsky's name. Wow, I have never seen so much rage come off Kurt before, he must really despise Karofsky.

"Blaine can you go get us some coffees please." He is barely controlling his anger.

"Sure Kurt. Santana what did you want? I'm buying so anything you want." Blaine smiles at me while putting his hand on Kurt's shoulder to try and calm Kurt down. I almost wonder if talking about this brings too many bad memories back to Kurt. Karofsky made his life a living hell for nearly a year.

"A small chocolate mocha latte would be great Blaine, thanks." I give him a smile back, I know he is reluctant to leave Kurt's side. I totally understand the feeling because I feel the same way about Brittany, I hate leaving her side when she is upset.

"Ok, I'll be back in few minutes." Before he goes Blaine pulls Kurt into a tight embrace and kisses him deeply and passionately. I feel a stab of pain through my heart as I watch them, I miss Brittany so much.

After Blaine walks down the path toward the coffee shop, Kurt comes over to sit beside me on the blanket and takes a moment to collect his thoughts.

"You ok Kurt? I know talking about Karofsky bothers you. We can talk about other stuff first if you want." I squeeze his hand to let him know I am feeling the same things he is about Karofsky.

"Yeah, we can get back to that Santana." Kurt takes my hand in his and holds it. It feels nice to talk to someone who knows what I am going through. Rachel was right, I did need to talk to Kurt, he is the only one I could talk to.

"So Santana, that little music show you put on, and the outfit, and everything else. Are you just joking around or are you trying to say something?" Kurt looks at me seriously now, compassion on his face.

"I am a lesbian Kurt. It took me a while to come to terms with it, but I have had a lot of time to think it over and I am sure now." I can feel the tears build up in my eyes again. This is a lot harder than I thought, and my emotions are constantly overwhelming me. I wish I could keep up my bitch armour, but I am not even sure anymore if I will ever be able to go back to the way I was. Was even that part of me fake too, all the bitchiness just a defence mechanism because I didn't want to admit I was gay.

"I wasn't ready to come out to everyone, I needed more time, I still need more time, but I guess I sort of brought this all on myself. I went to Brittany in the hallway at school and gave her this really long speech about being in love with her. Not too subtle. I should have just put a big sign up that said Santana Lopez is a lesbian."

My voice is raw with emotion, the hurt of Brittany's rejection is almost too much for me.

"What did she say when you told her Santana?"

"She said that she loved me, but that she also loved Artie, and she can't hurt him, so she won't break up with him to be with me."

I have to grab some Kleenex and blow my nose. I fucking hate all these emotions. I hate being an emotional wreck all the time. It takes all my willpower to keep the depression under control. I can feel it under the surface like a black cloud waiting to envelop me again.

"How long have you been in love with Brittany?"

"Years, at least two years. Damn Kurt, I have been friends with her since I was 13, and we started making out when we were 14, and it got more intense all the time. At the beginning of the school year Brittany tried to get me to come out to all of you then, she wanted us to sing a duet together to show everyone in Glee club that we were in love. I pushed her away, when she wanted me to love her, I pushed her away. Kurt I was so fucking stupid. Why didn't I come out then? Why did I have to be so fucking afraid. I pushed her away. I can't stand it, I hate myself. If I had just admitted how I felt back then we would be together now. She would be with me and I wouldn't be alone. I wouldn't be so lonely that I feel like I am dying every day. I love her more than anything and I can't stand not being with her, it hurts so much, I feel like I am dying more and more every day."

I can barely breath through the sobs that shake my whole body, my heart feels like it is going to explode, and I can't even talk through this pain. I love her so much, I miss her so much, and it's all my own fault. Kurt takes me in his arms and just holds me. There isn't anything anyone can say that will take this pain away and he knows it. It has nothing to do with telling people I am a lesbian. I am broken because I love Brittany and she doesn't love me back as much as I love her. If she loved me this much she would leave Artie and choose me.

I can feel Kurt rocking me in his arms, holding me as tight as he can. It takes a while but eventually I get my breath back, the tears slow, and I feel like I can go on talking.

"I wish I could have been as strong as you Kurt. I wish I knew myself as well as you did. I have been so confused for so long, and I just refused to try and figure things out, I just wanted to go on pretending because it was safe. I didn't want to face how unhappy I was."

"So you are definitely gay Santana? You aren't bisexual, you aren't attracted to guys at all?"

"It took me a while to realize it Kurt. When I confessed my feelings to Brittany I still thought I might be bisexual. But I have had two weeks going over everything in my head over and over. Every boy I have ever dated, kissed, or done anything with has always made me feel uncomfortable. It has always felt like something was wrong or missing. The only time anything ever felt right was when I was with Brittany. You understand I am sure, you probably feel about boys the same way I feel about girls. There is just some part of me that only likes girls, and no matter how hard I tried I could not make it go away, and I could not make myself straight."

"Yeah, I just don't feel it with girls at all, but when I am with a guy I like, it feels like electricity, this powerful attraction."

"Sometimes Kurt I am my own worst enemy. All this pretending for so long, all I ended up doing was hurting myself, hurting a bunch of other people, and driving my girlfriend away. I was so caught up in being the typical popular bitchy cheerleader with a football player on her arm that I lost the girl who was the love of my life."

"What about Brittany? How do you think she feels?"

"I am pretty sure she likes boys and girls, that she is bisexual. Brittany is the one who is truly fluid, for her it's about the person not the gender."

"Are you going to try and break her and Artie up? Are you going to try and get her back?"

"I don't know. I know if I approach this in full bitch mode, which is my typical MO, I think it will fail. Going into bitch wars to one up Rachel and Quinn is not the same as trying to win Brittany back from Artie. If I hurt Artie, I could end up making Brittany hate me, she is too nice, she would never forgive me if I hurt him."

"I could just be open about it and not go behind his back, just openly say how I feel and that I am going to fight to get her back. I don't know if that would work though, and it might just create a lot of anger. I imagine our friends would choose sides, and it would just turn into a big mess."

"That's why I haven't done anything yet. I feel like I am locked by indecision and I have no idea what to do."

"You know Santana, maybe the first step is coming out, so everyone knows who you are. Lay your cards on the table so to speak. If you want Brittany to feel confident in your love, she might need to know that you aren't going to hide again. Like you said, she asked you to be open before and you shut her down. It might not be that she loves Artie more, it may simply be that she doesn't trust you to love her openly because you hurt her by hiding in the past."

"You're probably right Kurt. Even now I wish no one knew about me. I probably would have come out of the closet in a little while, but I think I needed a little more time to sort through everything. I don't have any choice now, my business is all over the Internet, all over school, and I am already getting grief at school. I am surprised that it took a full two weeks for Karofsky to find out. I am sure this happened because people overheard me talking to Brittany." I feel Kurt grip my hand tightly at Karofsky's name, reminding me of the hurt he feels too. I know he is not angry at me and we are together in this.

"I think I know something that might help Santana. My Dad and I are going to LGBT meetings at the community center every Thursday at 8PM. Did you want to come with us, it would probably really help you to talk to other people in the community. The counsellor who runs the sessions is lady, and she is a lesbian, so you would be able to talk to someone who can give you better advice."

Kurt makes sense, counselling would be helpful. I have to laugh a little though, I can tell Kurt is a little unsure about his advice. It is now that I realize for all of Kurt's confidence in being openly gay, he doesn't have my experience with intimacy. Blaine is his first boyfriend and I doubt that they have had sex yet because they just started dating, whereas I have had sex with boys and with a girl, Brittany, who I was deeply in love with for almost two years without even realizing it. I lack Kurt's confidence in my sexuality, but I have more experience in relationships than he does. It doesn't devalue Kurt's advice to me in any way, he just feels a little awkward and unsure that maybe he is not experienced enough to give me proper advice.

"I will probably feel uncomfortable at the meeting, but I know I need to work through this, so I will come. I just need to talk to my Dad and find out if he wants to come with me."

"What about your Mom?"

"I am not sure, I know my Mom is more religious than my Dad is, she may not take this very well." I pause for a moment to collect my thoughts then continue. "I think my Dad is very similar to your Dad Kurt, I think he already knows about me. I haven't spoken with him yet but I have gone over this in my head over and over. When I was younger there was a little girl I knew named Laura. We met when we were 8 and she moved away when I was 13. She was the first girl I kissed and I became really attached to her. When she moved away I was so broken hearted that I couldn't eat or sleep for a whole month. I remember now that my Dad took time off from his work at the hospital and we spent days talking about Laura and my feeling for Laura. So even at 13 my Dad knew I liked girls, but he didn't want me to tell my Mom."

"Did he ever talk with you about it?"

"He tried a few times that I can remember. He would ask me about Brittany and my boyfriends from school. He always wanted to confirm that I liked Brittany more than my boyfriends. He never came right out and said he thought I was gay. I just sense now that he must have known. He has made sure over the years that I would meet several people who were gay, he was making sure that I knew there was nothing wrong with being gay."

"He does sound similar to my Dad. My Dad told me he knew when I was three." I can see Kurt smiling, he loves his Dad so much. I love my Dad the same way, but I can't help but worry about what happens when my Mom finds out.

"I am going to talk to my Dad tonight I think. I think he has been waiting for me to broach the subject. I am not sure why he didn't just talk to me about it."

"The parent guides at the LGBT center say not to." Kurt advises me.

"Really why?" I didn't realize that there was a reason for parents to not talk about it.

"The pamphlets just say that because kids get confused about their sexuality very easily that is best to let them talk to their parent first. Parents can reassure their children that there is nothing wrong with being gay, but until the child, in this case you and I, until we are ready to accept that we might be gay, it would be confusing to talk about it before we were ready. Think back honestly Santana, if your Dad came to you a year ago and tried to have a discussion with you maybe being gay, you would have shot him down just like you did Brittany when she asked to have a more open relationship."

Kurt is right. I was definitely not open to hearing anyone insinuate this a year ago. I can remember so many times that I would get angry, bitchy, and defensive if anyone hinted at it.

"I think our Dad's were both reading from the same playbook. My Dad never broached it with me either till I was ready to talk about it." Kurt pulls me in for a tight hug. It really does feel better to open up to him about these things.

"I am going to talk to my Dad tonight. I will ask him to go for a walk together and I'll tell him. I want to find out how he thinks Mom is going to be about this."

"What about the kids in Glee club? You should probably explain to them, with all the rumours going around."

"Mr. Schue is giving me a solo tomorrow. I think I am going to tell everyone then. I had this idea actually, and maybe you and Blaine would like to come to McKinley and do it with me, it would definitely make it a lot easier."

"What were you thinking?"

"Born this Way by Lady Gaga. Come on Kurt you know you can't resist doing a Lady Gaga number, you know you would go crazy if I sang it without you." I smile at him, I know I have him hooked, there is no way in hell he would let me sing that song without him.

"Wow you really know how to tempt a guy Lopez."

"It's because you are so gay, I know you can't resist it."

"Your pretty gay yourself." He is laughing at me now and pointing to the dress.

"So you want to come do it with me right. Help me come out to everyone?" I give his hand a squeeze to let him know how much I need this.

"I am in, and I am sure Blaine will be too, I can convince him."

"I'll keep my solo till the end of glee class then, to give you and Blaine time to get there."

"I'll see if we can skip our last class tomorrow, then we can get to glee club at the start."

"You rock Kurt, thanks for your help, I really understand how hard this was for you last year. I feel like I am going through an emotional rollercoaster every day. The worst part is trying to work through my feelings for Brittany, but I think you're right about coming to the LGBT meeting and talking to the counsellor, it might help me deal with my feelings for Britt." I pull Kurt in for a big hug to let him know how much he means to me. I am so glad he is here to talk to, this would be so much harder to do on my own.

"Santana, about Karofsky. How bad has it gotten so far?" Kurt's face goes deadly serious as he starts to speak about Karofsky.

"So far a slushy and a foul mouth that I want to hit with a baseball bat every time I see his ugly face." My face flushes with anger again, and I instinctively clench my fists. That bastard makes me so angry.

"OMG Kurt, you would not believe this. After he slushied me today. Lauren Zizes came and found me and she convinced me to slushy him back in revenge. We both got him at the same time, it was awesome. I called him out in front of everyone and he backed down, he was too chicken shit to say anything."

"How did he react Santana?"

"He was angry, and he just glared at me without saying a word. I think he might have said dyke under his breath before he walked away."

"I need you to tell me if he does anything else, the moment he does it. I am not sure I want to step in, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to threaten him, but if he doesn't let up on you Santana, I think I can make him stop."

"Do you have something on him Kurt? Did he do something illegal or something?"

"It's not that, and I promised I would never speak of it. But if he doesn't leave you alone please tell me, I think I can do something about it."

"Ok Kurt, I'll take whatever help I can get, I know he scares me and I hope he just stays away from me."

I hear him sigh and he looks sad before he says what is on his mind.

"I am not sure he can stay away from you Santana. He has a lot of anger, and he looks for people to take it out on. Just be careful around him. I don't think you should retaliate again if he slushies you another time. If he does anything, just go to Mr. Schuester right away, and tell me."

"Did he really threaten to kill you Kurt?"

"Yes! I don't think he would really go that far, he is more about the threats than anything, but it was still frightening. I promise I won't let it get that far for you Santana, I will get my Dad involved if I have to and we will make sure he leaves you alone."

I can see this is causing Kurt as much pain as it causes me. I know he loved being in the Glee club at McKinley and I think he misses us. By forcing Kurt to have to transfer, Karofsky took away something Kurt loved, and it is almost impossible to ever forgive that. I pull Kurt into another hug, just holding him tight and sharing the pain we both feel.

I am not sure if I am turning into a different person than I used to be. All the pain and heartache has started to change the way I see things. Was the old bitchy Santana all just a facade to hide and protect the girl inside. Is there any part of my old self that was real or was it all fake. I think about how I was in private with Brittany, and the way I am starting to be now. Those two girls are similar, they feel more compassion for people, and they are a bit nicer. I am sure there is a little bit of the bitchy Santana still there, but she has a better sense of humour than the old Santana had, and she doesn't take things as personally. Maybe that's the real difference, I am not as defensive now because I don't have to hide the real me anymore, and that makes all the difference in the world.

When Blaine gets back with the coffees, they help me pack up everything and we drive back to Lima. It's fun joking with guys me teasing them about how gay they are, and them pestering me about how much of a lesbian I am. It's fun and Kurt and I get the bitchy banter going really good by the time we get to his house. I think the old Santana is still there but now she is a bit more fun and willing to laugh at herself.

Now it's time to go talk to my Dad, my heart skips a beat, my greatest wish and hope is that I am right about my Dad and that he has always accepted me for who I am...


	10. Chapter 10: A Talk With Dad

**Title:** Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 10: A talk with Dad

**Character(s):** Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Dr. Salvador Lopez (Santana's father), Rachel Berry, Sam Evans

**Rating:** T for language

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort/Coming Out

**Description:** Santana is dealing with intense depression over Brittany and coming to terms with herself. Rumors about Santana's sexuality are now all over school and Karofsky has started a bullying campaign against her. After talking with Kurt and finally coming out fully to him Santana has decided that she needs to speak with her father.

**AUTHOR NOTE (story consistency issues): I am not happy with how this chapter turned out. I think I have written myself into a corner in the story, but I can't really alter things now without making massive revisions. I have polarized Santana's parents very early in the story. Santana's dad is probably too good to be true, but I wanted to make him positive for her, being that he is a medical Doctor, I felt he would be more ready and willing to accept her. Because of their Spanish heritage I chose to make the Lopez family Catholic, and Santana's father believes very strongly in God. However; Dr. Lopez does not agree with the Catholic Church on gay rights. Santana's father strongly supports gay rights because of his upbringing, friends, and uncle.**

**Another serious flaw in the story is that too much is happening in one day. At this point it is still Tuesday. Now Santana has already dealt with quite a bit before the start of my story. Santana has been out to Brittany and Rachel for over two weeks. Also Santana went through a period of massive depression right after regionals. The bullying started over the weekend due to people overhearing her at school. I suppose it is realistic for her to have reached a crisis point where she is forced to come out to her friends and family because rumors are all over the place about her now. If she waits another day it would probably result in an even worse confrontation with her Mom.**

**After I finish the next two chapters 11 and 12, I will be changing the pace of the storyline and spreading events out more. 12 Chapters to describe the events of one day is a bit much, and I definitely don't intend to continue doing that in the rest of the story.**

**I have edited Chapter 10 three times already, and I decided to publish so I could get some feedback. I may revise it again and republish.**

**I welcome any feedback and suggestions you may have on how the story can be improved. Please don't hesitate to send something to my Inbox.**

* * *

_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

_**Thank you for the reviews. I love hearing from everyone so please feel free to give feedback and suggestions.**_

_This is a Brittana story, but I will be focusing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will pursue the relationship with Brittany later into the story._

_I am going to be sticking to mostly canon personalities as best as I am able. The only LGBT characters are Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Blaine, and Karofsky._

_I may introduce a love interest for Santana later in the story as a plot device to further the relationship between Brittany and Santana._

_This story takes place after the events of "Sexy" and "Original Song". Regionals took place on Friday. For four days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) Santana went through a period of intense depression which is alluded to in the story and described in Chapter 3 through flashbacks._

* * *

_**Previous Chapters:**_

_Chapter 1: Rumors - Rachel Berry told Santana that there were rumors about her sexuality going around the school. Cyber bullies had defaced Santana's Facebook and MySpace so she had Rachel delete them for her._

_Chapter 2: A Running Confession - When going for her morning jog Santana meets up with Sam who is practicing for the track team. She finally finds the courage to tell him the truth and they break up but agree to remain friends._

_Chapter 3: The Black Time - While jogging Santana begins to remember the events of the weekend where she became so deeply depressed that Rachel and her Parents were worried she might commit suicide._

_Chapter 4: Alone - Santana faces Brittany and asks her for space before she can go back to being friends again. Karofsky attacks Santana with a Slushy and insults her, he scares Santana with how much he obviously hates her._

_Chapter 5: The Bitch is Back - Lauren Zizes convinces Santana that she needs to do something to show Karofsky that she won't allow him to bully her. The two girls decide to slushy him to teach him a lesson._

_Chapter 6: Regrets - Santana speaks with Mr. Schuester after the slushy incident and faces her regrets over the relationship with Brittany and the mistakes she made by not coming out sooner to try and save the relationship._

_Chapter 7: Realizations__ - On her way to Dalton Academy to see Kurt, Santana looks back on her relationship with her father and realizes that he may have always known may be gay, and he has supported her._

_Chapter 8: Reflections and Ducks - Santana spent some time on her own reflecting on her relationship with Brittany and her Parents._

_Chapter 9: Coming Out To A Friend - Santana tells Kurt and Blaine that she is a lesbian. Kurt and Santana discuss the bullying at school and how to tell her friends and Parents. Santana agreed to start going to LGBT meetings with Kurt, and Kurt is going to help Santana tell her friends in Glee Club._

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**Chapter 10: A talk with Dad**

After I drop Kurt and Blaine off I find myself instinctively driving to Lima Memorial Hospital to see my Dad. I thought about waiting till he gets off work, but I am uncomfortable chancing my Mom overhearing us. My Dad hinted several times to me that if I ever needed to talk about "boy and girl" things I should talk to him first before my Mom. When I was 13 and went through my depression over Laura Wilkins I remember my Dad told me not to tell my Mom about what I was feeling. I think my Dad is worried about how my Mom will react.

When I was really young everything seemed ok between my parents. My Great-Uncle Santos and his boyfriend Mark used to visit with us regularly. When my Dad became Chief of Staff at Lima Memorial Hospital he offered the Assistant Chief of Staff position to his friend from medical school Dr. Lydia Erikson. Lydia brought her girlfriend Dr. Amanda Ross, a psychologist, who took over the local Crisis Counselling Center. I had influences in my childhood through my Dad that showed me that there was nothing wrong with being gay. Great-Uncle Santos took the place of a grandfather that passed away before I was born, and Lydia was my godmother and used to babysit me all the time whenever my parents went out.

As I got older though, something changed for my Mom. Whenever Great-Uncle Santos came to visit my Mom was always cold and a little rude. After a while he stopped coming to see us, and the last time I saw him Dad and I had to go visit without Mom. Lydia and Amanda stopped coming over very often, even though my Dad works with Lydia every day, she wasn't comfortable at our house anymore. There is a common thread here, my Mom doesn't like people who are gay. My Mom changed along the way and I think my Dad has been trying to protect me from her disapproval.

As I pull into the parking lot I see my Dad didn't bring his car today, his parking stall is open, he must have car-pooled with Lydia. I pull into his parking stall, Dad gave me a pass in case he needed me to pick him up from work. Part of our deal about him getting me a car, I have to be available to pick him up from work when he leaves his car home. My Dad is a pretty avid environmentalist but he caved and bought me a car when I begged him for one when I turned 16. I just had to give him the cute pouty face for a few weeks till he finally caved and got me one. Dad probably figured with the long Cheerio practices, cheerleading competitions, sports events, and Glee Club it was best I have a car anyway.

Well I better get this over with, I think my Dad has been walking on eggshells for the last two weeks waiting for me to come talk to him. He has tried to talk to me at least five times since Brittany and I had the falling out. Darn Santana, don't cry, not right now, stop thinking about Brittany for a few minutes. Just concentrate on talking to Dad.

"Hi Natalie, is my Dad in his office?" Natalie is really nice, she is my Dad's secretary.

"Oh, Hello Santana. Dr. Lopez is in his office, but he has to do rounds with the residents in an hour."

"That should be lots of time, I am going to drive Dad home when he finishes anyway, I don't think he brought his car today."

"Your right, its Dr. Erikson's week on the car-pool. Just head on in Santana, Dr. Lopez isn't on the phone so you won't disturb him."

"Thanks Natalie, I'll see you later." I smile at Natalie and wave as I make my way down to my Dad's office.

I hesitate before walking into my Dad's office, I feel anxious, am I ready for this. There is no turning back now, when I come out to my Dad I am saying that I am sure of who I am. Am I sure? Am I ready for this? Deep down I know he will accept me, but am I ready. I was ready when I spoke to Kurt, why do I feel frozen now. Why was it so much easier to say it to Kurt than it is to Dad. I am going to do this, I can do this, I can tell him.

"Hey Dad! I thought I would come by and see if you wanted a ride home after work."

"Hey Sweetie, how was your day at school?" He smiles at me as I walk in the door, as always there is nothing but love for me in my Dad's eyes. I can see he is happy that I surprised him.

"It was ok Dad, I had to leave early though, I wasn't feeling too well." I know the frown crosses my lips as I say it, and I can see the concern and worry in my Dad's eyes.

"Close the door sweetie, and we can talk privately." I can see hope on his face, my Dad wants me to tell him, I can see it.

After I plop down into my Dad's comfy office sofa I don't know what to say. I keep fingering the zipper on my jacket and playing with the tassels. How do I begin?

"Did you go home Santana? Your Mom didn't say anything when I called her this afternoon." My Dad finally breaks the silence. He gets up from his desk to come sit beside me on the office sofa.

"I went and visited my friend Kurt Hummel up at Dalton Academy, and I went to the community park out there to get some fresh air and clear my head." I can't look up at my Dad, why is it so hard to say this, I feel like I am going to disappoint him somehow. Maybe I'm not ready to do this yet, to come out. But I promised myself I would do this and get it done.

"Ah, I think I have met your friend Santana, I talked to his father Burt just last week. How did your visit go? Are you feeling better now?" My Dad wraps his arm around me and pulls me in beside him, I think he knows how hard this is. It feels so nice to be held like this. I know I am 16, but sometimes it feels nice to just cuddle up next to my Dad like I did when I was little.

"It went pretty good Dad, Kurt and I had a really long talk about some things that have been confusing me for a while. I think I finally worked some stuff out that has been bothering me." I look up at my Dad while I talk, and I only see love looking back at me from his eyes.

"Can you talk to me about it sweetie? I know you have been going through a rough time these last few weeks. You can always tell me anything, no matter what." My Dad smiles down at me and hugs me tighter for a moment to let me know he is here for me, no matter what.

I try to open my mouth but my throat is constricted and nothing comes out. There is a tightness in my chest. I almost feel like I am going to panic and run. What am I afraid of? I think it's the vision in my own head of what a daughter is supposed to be. The norm that I am about to leave behind forever. The girl who dates boys, eventually falls in love, has a beautiful white wedding, and eventually has babies and makes her Dad a grandfather. Maybe I will still have some of those things with a girl I might meet someday, but it won't fit that norm that is in every movie, TV show, book, and magazine that I have ever watched or read. The moment I come out to my Dad is the moment I leave that norm behind forever. I feel like I am disappointing him, even though he has never pushed that norm on me, even though my Dad has done everything in his power to show me that there is more to life than that norm. It's me that feels it, I feel like I am doing something wrong by walking away from that norm.

"I am gay Dad, I am a lesbian." A sob escapes my lips as I start crying, I feel like I am hurting him, even though his eyes show only compassion and love. There is no judgement in his eyes, only love for me, his little girl.

"I am glad you finally told me Santana, I have been waiting for you to talk to me for a while." He pulls me in tight and just holds me for several minutes until I calm down.

"Why didn't you talk to me Dad? You knew didn't you? You knew about me?" My voice cracks with emotion as I look up at my Dad.

"I didn't think you were ready honey, I did the only thing I could think of, I just let you know I was here for you when you were ready. All I knew was that you liked girls and maybe boys, only you can know for sure Santana. That is why I waited for you to come to me." My Dad turns me so I can face him directly so I can't turn my eyes from his.

"You have nothing to feel bad about Santana. You are perfect in every way possible and I am always proud of you and I will always love you. There is nothing that will ever make me stop loving you. God made you perfect Santana, just as you are, and never let anyone in this world tell you anything different than that. God doesn't make mistakes." My Dad kisses me on the forehead and smiles down at me with all his love.

"I am so afraid of what people are going to say Dad, the kids at school already know and it's already hard, and what will the people in our church say when they find out about me. What will Mom say?" All my doubts come out in a stream, all my worries.

"You will always meet people in this world who refuse to accept you Santana. That would have happened whether you are straight or gay. We are Hispanic and I know that there were kids who gave you a hard time about that. Do you think there is anything wrong with you because you are Hispanic?"

"Of course not Dad, I am proud of my heritage." I think I know where he is going with this.

"Then how can there possibly be anything wrong with you for being gay? Why shouldn't you be proud of yourself for that too?" He smiles at me, knowing his little trick is working, and I smile back at him.

"I guess your right Dad, it's just hard taking grief from people. I wasn't ready to come out at school but I kind of screwed up when I was talking to Brittany and a lot of people overheard me."

"Is anyone giving you a rough time at school sweetie?" He frowns for a moment, I can see his protective side coming out in his eyes.

"I have been getting some insults and nasty notes from some kids, but nothing I can't handle. Well except for this one boy who seems to hate gay people. So far he has only insulted me and threw a slushy at me."

"I remember you told me that some of the unpopular kids get slushied. I am not really happy that things like that happen at your school, do you need me to step in and talk to the Principal and the School Board?" My Dad isn't one to screw around, I know he wouldn't hesitate to push this to the State Education Board if he had to. It's reassuring to know that my Dad would never let anyone hurt me.

"The slushy thing is fairly harmless Dad, it's more annoying than anything. I think I am more upset that the idiot ruined my nice silk blouse with the stupid slushy." He smiles at me, I can tell he thinks it's amusing that my first concern is my clothes.

"Santana, if it gets out of hand tell me immediately. I remember when Burt Hummel went to the School Board about the problems his son Kurt was going through at McKinley High, I was at the meeting. Unfortunately the vote went through to rescind the expulsion of that boy. Is it the same boy causing trouble now? If it is the same boy, I can probably put pressure on the School Board if I have to and get his case reviewed again. If there is another incident I am sure I can get him expelled."

"It is the same boy Dad, but so far it has only been the slushy and words. Karofsky and some of his friends posted stuff on my Facebook and MySpace pages but I deleted my profiles so they won't be doing that anymore." I can see the concern on his face but I am not sure I want my Dad to step in yet. "It hasn't gotten that bad yet Dad, let's just give it a few days before you step in, things might calm down and hopefully everyone will get tired of talking about me."

"If anything serious happens Santana I want you to call me immediately and I will come to the school and speak with the Principal. Don't wait till after school, call me immediately." I can see the worry in his face as he speaks, he is always protective of me.

"Mr. Schuester said the same thing Dad, I will make sure to tell both of you if anything happens."

"Good, I'll give Mr. Schuester a call personally and let him know to tell me if anything is going on, I want to be involved with any meetings with the Principal. I will not tolerate anyone bullying my daughter at school."

"Ok Dad, I promise! I will tell you right away." I give him a hug, I love him so much.

"By the way Santana, you shouldn't feel worried about our Church, have you ever heard Father Martin say anything against gay people? Not all Catholics are against gay people, and we are lucky enough to have a progressive priest in Father Martin who is very accepting. Some of the members of our congregation are gay, so no one will treat you badly there. I won't say that you will always feel comfortable in the Church, but you don't have anything to fear there either."

"I know your right about our Church Dad. Father Martin has always been very supportive toward gay people, and I know he allows gay people to take communion. But what about the Pope and the others who speak against it. What do you believe Dad?" I never really thought about these things till now, I know it was a fear I had deep down, but I hadn't given it much thought. Our family has always been devout Catholics, but how can I fit into that when so many Catholics are against gays.

"I believe in God and I believe in Jesus Christ, and I feel that I am a Catholic. But I don't think that they all get it right Santana, and I definitely don't think the Pope, Cardinals, and Bishops are without faults, they make mistakes, and they are not always right. Sometimes the Church gets too caught up in politics and they forget the original message, and the original message of Jesus is to accept and love everyone. The bigots of this world will pick and choose selective quotes out of context from the Bible to shout out against gay people, but they forget that the Bible tells us to love and accept everyone, and not to judge others unless we are without sin ourselves. I don't think God makes mistakes Santana, and people who are gay are part of God's plan just as much as any straight person is." He pauses to collect his thoughts before he continues, holding my hand in his, and holding my eyes with his.

"What I truly believe Santana is that God made all of us, and He loves you for who you are, and that you are part of His plan. Anyone who tells you differently does not truly know God and Christ in their hearts, and they shouldn't be calling themselves Christian. You are perfect just as you are Santana, and I believe God loves you just as you are."

My Dad is crying as he says these things to me. All his worry for me is overwhelming him. I think he wishes he could protect me from all the people who will try to hurt me, and it breaks his heart knowing he can't protect me from all of it, that I am going to have to carry some of this pain on my own. He pulls me into his arms and holds me tight and I feel that deep down he wishes he didn't have to let me go, that he could protect me forever.

"What about Mom, Dad? I always got the feeling that you didn't think I should talk to her about my feelings for girls, is this going to hurt her?" The worry hasn't left his face, I see doubt there too, he has doubts about my Mom that he has been trying to protect me from.

"When we were younger and first married your Mother was a lot more tolerant and accepting. My Uncle Santos and his partner Mark visited us quite often. Your Mother got along with Lydia and Amanda quite well. I am not sure what changed. It could be some of the groups your Mother spent time with, or with her own family. I know your Grandma and Grandpa on your Mother's side did not like my Uncle Santos at all and I think they were very disapproving of Lydia and Amanda. Somewhere along the line your Mother started getting more and more intolerant over the years." My Dad stops for a moment, this is difficult for him, I can see he is trying his best not to voice his disapproval about my Mom's behaviour and how much it upsets him.

"Santana, I want you to know now that no matter what happens between your Mother and I it is not your fault and never was. There is a tension between your Mother and I over her intolerance against gays that has been there for a few years now. You already know that my best friend and coworker Lydia is a lesbian, and it has been very difficult for me to not get angry at your Mother for how she treats Lydia and Amanda. Your mother is never insulting to them, but she is rude, and she has been that way for a long time. When my father died Uncle Santos took his place, and it upsets me a lot that your Mother started being rude to him as well, so much so that he won't visit us in Lima anymore." Dad stops to gather his thoughts.

"The honest truth is Santana that your Mother's intolerance may end our marriage, not because of you, but because she is hurting all the people I care about by being that way. We have had several arguments about this, and I have made sure to keep you out of it." My Dad pauses again, just holding me in his arms, looking down into my face. He is crying again, it's obvious now that the difficulties between him and Mom have been bothering him for a long time.

"No matter what happens between your Mother and I, Santana, it is not your fault, and you did not cause it. No matter what happens you and I will always have each other. I need to ask you to do something for me tonight sweetheart, after we tell your Mother together, I want you to go to your friend Rachel's house and sleep there tonight." My Dad looks at me very seriously now, this is important to him.

"Why Dad, shouldn't I be there to talk to Mom with you?" I don't want to leave my house, and leave my Dad to handle this alone.

"I don't want you to be there if we argue Santana. I can't stand the idea of you being in your bedroom hearing us fight and thinking it's your fault. It's only for one night, I need time to discuss things with your Mother, and to make some decisions about the future for you and I."

"Dad, you're not going to divorce Mom because of me are you? You can't do that! I don't want you to get a divorce because of me! Please don't do that Dad." I sob into his arms as he holds me tight. Dad just holds me for several minutes not saying anything, till I finally calm down and look back up at him.

"Santana, my dear sweet girl, this was never your fault. If anyone is at fault it is me Santana. I knew that someday you and I would be having this conversation, that eventually you would tell me that you were confused and that you were either lesbian or bisexual. I had prepared myself to be ready to be here for you, but I was afraid to tell your Mother so I never talked to her about what I saw in your feelings for Laura and Brittany. Your Mother will be more angry with me than you, angry that I knew all this time and didn't tell her. I prefer that she directs her anger at me, I do not want you to have to go through that." He looks at me intently, holding my eyes to his, letting me know with all his being that we are in this together.

"Sweetheart, I know that you want to help me with your Mother, but you have to let me handle this ok. You have enough to worry about, you do not need the additional stress of being caught in the middle between your Mother and I arguing. That is why I want you to go to your friends house tonight."

"But Dad, what is going to happen, I don't want you and Mom to break up." My voice catches in my throat, this is so hard, I never expected it would be as bad as this with my Mom. I know my Dad has been protecting me from being exposed to her prejudices, but I never realized how serious it had become.

"Santana, you are my daughter. You are a blessed gift that God has given to me, the love of my life, and I will not allow anyone to make my daughter feel unwelcome in our home. If I have to choose between you and your Mother, I will always choose you Santana, there is no choice. I am your Father, it is my responsibility to protect my daughter, and I will never allow anyone to hurt you, ever! As long as I have breath in this world Santana, you will always be welcome in my home, and I will always love you."

Even without his saying it, I see now why Dad did not tell Mom. He wanted me to have a normal childhood as long as possible. He wanted me to have my Mom for as long as it was possible. I think he has already resigned himself to their marriage ending, he only stayed with Mom this long because he felt I needed her in my life. I see his pain, the way her rejection of our Uncle Santos has hurt him, and the rejection of his friend Lydia has hurt him. If she rejects me too, he won't be able to forgive her, and that is why he knows their marriage may not survive this.

For several minutes my Dad holds me close in his lap like he did when I was a little girl. He wanted to protect me from pain, and now it hurts him that I have so much pain that he could not protect me from.

"Have you spoken to a counsellor at all sweetie, to help you cope with things?" Dad touches my chin so I look up at him again, so I can see the love reflecting back at me in his eyes.

"My friend Kurt asked me to come with him and his Dad to an LGBT meeting on Thursday at 8 PM. Did you want to come too Dad? I would love to have you there with me." I smile up at him.

"You couldn't keep me away Santana, I will definitely go with you to every meeting. It's funny you mentioned that meeting honey, you already know who runs those meetings actually." He smiles at me waiting for me to think it over. Lydia's partner Amanda is a psychologist and she runs the Crisis Counselling Center in Lima.

"Oh, is it Dr. Ross?" I really am surprised, maybe the meetings won't be too bad.

"Yes, Amanda is actually the president of the local LGBT organization in Lima, and she usually runs the weekly group meetings."

"Wow, I guess I should have thought about talking to her before this. It just never crossed my mind how involved in things Dr. Ross is." I see a frown cross my Dad's lips as I say this.

"Yes, I am sorry about that Santana, Lydia and Amanda haven't visited us as much as I wanted them to. I was going to take you to visit them this week actually, after the depression you went through on the weekend I thought it was time for us to speak to Amanda together and try to work through things." He doesn't want to say it openly but I think he is annoyed with Mom, that he blames her for not allowing him to get me the help he thought I needed.

"It's ok Dad, we can go to the meeting on Thursday and I promise I'll talk to Dr. Ross. I know I went through a bad time for a few days, but I think I am getting back to my normal self now." I smile up at him, hoping that it reassures him. He just hugs me close in his arms for a minute. I scared him with my depression, and he is relieved that I am finally talking about things and trying to accept myself.

"I have to go do the rounds with the Residents. Just wait here in my office and get some of your homework from school done, or talk with your friends on the phone if you want to. I'll be about an hour and then we can go home and talk to your Mom."

"Ok Dad. Thank you for being so understanding. I love you so much Dad." I kiss his cheek and give him another hug, and then we get up from the sofa.

"Call your friend Rachel, or another friend, and make sure you can go over tonight Santana. As soon as we get home I want you to pack an overnight bag and take it to your car. After that we will talk to your Mom. Can you promise me to do that." Once again his eyes hold mine stressing how important this is to him that I do what he asks.

"I promise Dad."

"I love you Santana, I'll be back in an hour after rounds." Dad kisses me on the forehead again and hugs me, then picks up his clipboard from his desk.

"Ok Dad, I love you too, see you in a bit." I say to him as he leaves the office.

It takes me several minutes to process our conversation. I feel like I got hit by a truck. My Dad accepts me, but everything he has said through our conversation I don't think my Mom will. He has been trying to keep me from being hurt by Mom's prejudices, but we can't avoid it now. My Dad will not allow anyone to devalue me or put me down for being gay, not even my Mom. If she can't come to terms with this I think their marriage will be over.

I pick up my cell phone and dial Rachel, I better make the arrangement. I don't even think about calling anyone else, Rachel is the only one other than Sam, Kurt, and Brittany who knows that I am gay. Normally it would be Brittany I would go to and feel safe, but not now, spending the night at Brittany's would only break my heart, and I need all my strength to deal with everything that is happening. As much as I love Brittany, I am not sure I will chase her now, she rejected me, and I have to deal with all of this by myself, she left me alone, and I feel betrayed. I might forgive her eventually, but right now with all that is happening I don't know if I can.

"Santana. Are you ok?" Rachel's voice is cautious as it always is when talking to me. She wants to be friends but she is still afraid that I will try and hurt her feelings at my first opportunity. I really was too mean to her.

"Yeah, I am doing ok Rachel. I need to ask a favour though. Can I stay at your house tonight?"

"Oh no, Santana, did something happen with you and your parents?" Holy crap, Rachel is way too perceptive sometimes. She has an incredible ability to make guesses about what is going on.

"Sort of, I talked to my Dad just now and I.." The words catch in my throat again. I actually never came out and said to Rachel I was a lesbian. We have sort of been tiptoeing around it for the last two weeks. I just assume she knows, and she assumes that I am ok with her knowing. Just like Sam this morning I think I owe it to Rachel to just tell her, to actually say it. I have resisted the labels, but how else am I to describe myself. Isn't the point of all of this that I learn to just "own it" like Lauren told me too. Just own it.

"I told my Dad that I am a lesbian Rachel. That I am gay." I can hear her breathing into the phone, she probably has a silly shocked expression on her face. Maybe she is afraid I will snap at her if she responds, waiting to see if I am joking.

"Rachel did you pass out from shock or something? It's not like you didn't already think that I was."

"Sorry Santana. I am really glad that you have accepted yourself and that you are finally coming out to everyone." I hope Rachel doesn't start giving me a long speech about gay pride, I might gag if she does, some of her speeches put my teeth on edge.

"Anyway, my Dad thinks it would be best if I visit with a friend after we tell my Mom tonight. He is worried that my Mom isn't going to be happy about this."

"How did your Dad take it Santana?"

"He took it well, I think he has known for a long time Rachel. At least since I was 13. There was a girl I knew before Brittany that I was really involved with, and Dad helped me work through it when she moved away. So Britt isn't the first girl I have had it really bad for." I sort of wish I could see Rachel's face right now, her expressions would probably make me laugh, I can imagine in my mind all of her drama queen expressions.

"I am glad your Dad was good about your coming out. It will be fine if you want to stay over tonight. Do you think your Mom is not going to be able to handle it?"

"I am not sure Rachel, I hope she can, but my Dad isn't very optimistic. He only wants me to stay at your house because he doesn't want me to be around if they fight. He said he doesn't want me caught in the middle while they try to work things out."

"It sounds like he had this all planned already." Once again Rachel is a step ahead of most people. Damn this girl must be psychic or something.

"Yeah I think he played it out in his head before I told him, it felt like he had thought about what he was going to say to me for a long time. He made me promise to leave before they start arguing so I guess he knows how this is going play out tonight." My voice catches thinking that my parents might divorce and I feel guilty. I know my Dad doesn't want me to think it is my fault, but I just can't help feeling like it is.

"You are welcome to come over anytime Santana. Maybe we can work on some music together tonight after homework."

"Hmm, that reminds me, I have a song I am going to work on for my solo on Wednesday. Do you mind if I invite Sam over for a couple of hours so he can help me with the guitar chords."

"I didn't know you were practicing guitar, how long have you been playing." She sounds surprised, well I guess that's understandable, I wasn't really big on sharing with Rachel before all of this.

"Only since Christmas, I got my guitar as a Christmas present. I want to do an acoustic version of a song that might be too hard for me to play. I might just get Sam to play it instead, or play it with me."

"Which song are you going to do?" I am a little suspicious of Rachel and wonder if I should tell her. She tends to take over songs sometimes, she is such a diva.

"I am going to do an acoustic version of "Born this Way" to sing to the class."

"Well that's pretty direct. I gather you are going to come out to everyone after the song?"

"Ha, Rachel I will probably be outing myself just singing the song. But yeah, after I will tell everyone if they didn't already figure it out."

"Did you need help singing it?" I just knew she was going to ask this eventually, she can't resist.

"Can you restrain yourself from taking over and just harmonize with me? It's my solo."

"I don't mind harmonizing, and I would love to help you sing the song to Glee club." And take over the song at the first opportunity I bet, you are such a diva Rachel Berry.

I really am learning to be a better person, I am learning to keep the sarcastic comments to myself instead of just blurting them all out at her. I can see how nasty I am sometimes. I still think the comments in my head, I just have a tiny bit more self-restraint and actually think about it before saying them.

"Let's practice it together tonight and see how it goes. Kurt and Blaine are thinking of coming up to McKinley to be there when I come out and they will probably sing it with us if they get there in time."

"Santana, I am so glad you talked to Kurt. I was really worried about you over the weekend, I hope you know that." I can hear the concern in her voice, for all her drama queen tendencies, Rachel is usually a pretty compassionate person. As long as she doesn't think you are stealing her solos in Glee Club, or Finn. I can't help smiling to myself as I think about all her drama.

"I know you were worried Rachel, my Mom and Dad were worried too. I even agreed to start going to group counselling with Kurt and my Dad, so hopefully that will help me get through the depression." I hope it helps me, I can't stop missing Brittany, and the ache inside never wants to go away.

"Thank you for telling me Santana, it means a lot, I hope you know that I am your friend and that I care about you." Rachel's own uncertainties come out as her voice breaks, the girl who gets picked on at school, who just wants people to like and respect her. I really am too mean to her, and I need to lighten up.

"I know I haven't always been friendly Rachel, and we have both been mean to each other sometimes, but I also know you have stood by me through all of this stuff that I am going through, and I will never forget it. I am your friend too, I know I can be bitchy sometimes, but I really am your friend and I care about you too." Wow, tears for Rachel Berry, who would have thought I could do that. I have a lot of guilt about Rachel though, messing with her and Finn for the last two years, I definitely owe her big time after all the help she has given me.

"Thank you Santana." I can hear her crying on the phone, this is almost as hard as it was to talk to Sam this morning.

"Anyway, as much fun as it is to talk about feelings and getting each other crying on the phone, how about we change the subject and talk about the rest later."

"Ok Santana."

"Are you ok with Sam coming over to practice music tonight? Probably just till 10, I have to get up early and go to track practice in the morning."

"Yeah, my Dad's should be ok with it Santana. When did you join the track team?" She sounds surprised again.

"Coach Beiste saw me running this morning and put the pressure on to get me to try out, I guess they need more girls to have a full slate for the competition. That reminds me, I'll need to get to school about 6:30 AM, if you want a ride in the morning you'll have to get up at 5:30 AM with me."

"I usually do my own workout at home in the morning though."

"It won't kill you to exercise outdoors Rachel, and you might actually meet some more people if you workout at school, I'll be doing track practice every morning for the next month probably if I make the cut. You could even shock everyone and try out too, it wouldn't hurt you to get more involved in things outside Glee and all the social groups you belong to. Being on the track team will improve your rep too." I can't believe I am actually trying to convince Rachel to come. Maybe this is my way to try and make some things up to her. If I can't be popular anymore, I might as well show Rachel how to be more popular.

"I am probably not good enough to make the track team though Santana, you have all your Cheerio experience, I just do some basic morning workouts." I can hear the self doubt coming out in her voice. This is actually a nice distraction, instead of talking about my problems we can talk about Rachel's.

"I am sure Coach Beiste can find you something to do, even if it is just timing everyone and writing down the stats. You need to get involved in school sports Rachel, it will help you get some rep at school that you will never get from Glee or the Year Book Committee. Also, I know how bad you want to go to Julliard or one of the other top music universities, well being on a sports team at school always gives your college application a huge boost."

"Oh, I never thought about that, it would look good on my college application. Great, I will come with you and talk to Coach Beiste in the morning and see if she can find a spot for me." She sounds bright and cheery in the phone now, anything that benefits her dreams just perks her up.

Sold and delivered, that comment about university was exactly what was needed for Rachel. I need to remember that next time if I need her to do something, if I can twist it around as something that will benefit her dreams I can probably get her on board. Wow, I can still be a manipulative bitch when I want to be.

"We'll talk about it more when I get to your place tonight. I am going to let you go for now and call Sam, and get some homework done while I wait for my Dad."

"Ok bye Santana, I'll see you later."

"Bye Rachel."

Well that begins project Rachel Berry. I need something to amuse myself since I can't steal boyfriends or mess with anyone's relationships now. Hmm, I wonder if I could get Rachel elected prom queen, that would so piss Quinn off to no end. It's almost worth considering, I'll keep that in mind. I am still pretty angry at Quinn for telling people about my breast operation, it makes me so mad every time I think about it.

I give Sam a quick call and he is totally on board for coming to Rachel's house to help me with my guitar playing. I will probably end up getting him to play the song, but I would like to try and play it myself. I could probably get Sam and Rachel to hook up for Prom at her house. Ah, Santana your secondary motive comes to the surface. I think I always had this in mind anyway, and now it's set up quite nicely to get them talking to each other. A few well placed words should get them thinking about going to Prom together.

I probably won't go to Prom myself, I can't stand going to dances alone, and I would only go now if Brittany and I were going together. What a stir that would cause, but as much as that idea used to scare me, now it excites me a little thinking about having Brittany on my arm and walking into Prom together. Gah, I am a closet sappy romantic and I know it, it's romantic thinking about going to Prom with Brittany. I need to stop and think about homework for a bit. If I keep thinking about Brittany I will just end up crying, the heartache is still burning inside, but maybe it has dimmed a little. Talking to so many people today about what I was going through has actually helped me a lot.

I set my books on my Dad's desk and start working on homework, trying with all my might to distract myself from thinking about Brittany, and thinking about what is going to happen when I tell my Mom...


	11. Chapter 11: Shattered

**Title:** Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 11: Shattered

**Character(s):** Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Dr. Salvador Lopez (Santana's father), Mrs. Isabel Lopez (Santana's mother).

**Rating:** T for language

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort/Coming Out

**Description:** Santana is dealing with intense depression over Brittany and accepting that she is a lesbian. Rumors about Santana's sexuality are now all over school and Karofsky has started a bullying campaign against her. Santana has spoken to her father and he accepted her, but they both believe that Santana's mother may not be as accepting.

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**AUTHOR NOTE - STORY CONSISTENCY ISSUES**

_**Santana's Parents:**__ I wrote myself into a corner with Santana's father and mother in that I polarized them before she spoke with them. It means there is no suspense over their reactions because I left too many hints in the previous chapters on where things were going to go. I decided not to rewrite the whole story to fix it, so I am just going to move on with my original intention for Chapter 10 and 11._

_**Santana's Characterization:**__ I know Santana's characterization might be a little off, her "voice" sometimes gets buried in the Angst that is going on in the story. I think I was going from the speech in "Sexy" where she said that a lot of her outward anger and bitchiness was from hiding her feelings for Brittany and hiding her sexuality. I am actually trying to present the Santana we see right now as more the girl she is when she is with Brittany. Her current personality and lack of confidence is also the result of her breakdown after Regionals, this was severe depression that she could have easily been hospitalized for. She is still working through that depression now, but the more people she talks to, the more she learns to accept herself, that depression will fade and she will get some of her strength back._

_She is still going to have her bitchy moments, she still holds grudges, and she is still really angry with Quinn about the whole cheerleader captain fiasco at the beginning of the school year. Quinn and Santana are most definitely not friends right now._

_**Story Pacing:**__ Last note is the pacing of the story. Chapter 1 through 12 all occur on the Tuesday following Regionals. At first it wasn't my intention to have so many things happen in one day, but as soon as I made the choice to start the bullying at school while Santana was also dealing with depression I knew it would force a lot of confrontations with friends and family. She had 2 1/2 weeks since the confrontation with Brittany in "Sexy" where she has just been hiding and avoiding everyone and getting more and more depressed._

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_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

_**Thank you for the reviews. I love hearing from everyone so please feel free to give feedback and suggestions.**_

_This is a Brittana story, but I will be focusing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will pursue the relationship with Brittany later into the story._

_I am going to be sticking to mostly canon personalities as best as I am able. The only LGBT characters are Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Blaine, and Karofsky._

_I may introduce a love interest for Santana later in the story as a plot device to further the relationship between Brittany and Santana._

_This story takes place after the events of "Sexy" and "Original Song". Regionals took place on Friday. For four days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) Santana went through a period of intense depression which is alluded to in the story and described in Chapter 3 through flashbacks._

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_**Previous Chapters:**_

_Chapter 1: Rumors - Rachel Berry told Santana that there were rumors about her sexuality going around the school. Cyber bullies had defaced Santana's Facebook and MySpace so she had Rachel delete them for her._

_Chapter 2: A Running Confession - When going for her morning jog Santana meets up with Sam who is practicing for the track team. She finally finds the courage to tell him the truth and they break up but agree to remain friends._

_Chapter 3: The Black Time - While jogging Santana begins to remember the events of the weekend where she became so deeply depressed that Rachel and her Parents were worried she might commit suicide._

_Chapter 4: Alone - Santana faces Brittany and asks her for space before she can go back to being friends again. Karofsky attacks Santana with a Slushy and insults her, he scares Santana with how much he obviously hates her._

_Chapter 5: The Bitch is Back - Lauren Zizes convinces Santana that she needs to do something to show Karofsky that she won't allow him to bully her. The two girls decide to slushy him to teach him a lesson._

_Chapter 6: Regrets - Santana speaks with Mr. Schuester after the slushy incident and faces her regrets over the relationship with Brittany and the mistakes she made by not coming out sooner to try and save the relationship._

_Chapter 7: Realizations__ - On her way to Dalton Academy to see Kurt, Santana looks back on her relationship with her father and realizes that he may have always known may be gay, and he has supported her._

_Chapter 8: Reflections and Ducks - Santana spent some time on her own reflecting on her relationship with Brittany and her Parents._

_Chapter 9: Coming Out To A Friend - Santana tells Kurt and Blaine that she is a lesbian. Kurt and Santana discuss the bullying at school and how to tell her friends and Parents. Santana agreed to start going to LGBT meetings with Kurt, and Kurt is going to help Santana tell her friends in Glee Club._

_Chapter 10: A Talk With Dad - Santana meets her Father at his work (the hospital) and tells him that she is a lesbian. After talking through everything with each other Santana and her Father are going to speak to her Mother this evening._

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**Chapter 11: Shattered**

_Tuesday evening driving Dad home from work..._

As we make our way out to the parking lot from his office Dad can see I am getting more and more anxious and my hands are shaking as I take my keys out of my purse. Before I can unlock the car Dad takes the keys out of my hands.

"I think I'll drive ok Santana." He pulls me in for a quick hug and gives me a gentle push to the passenger side.

"All right Dad." I can't hide the nervousness in my voice. Everything Dad has told me weighs heavily on my mind, and the stress is starting to give me a headache.

As we pull away from the Hospital and start driving home I try to think of different ways to tell Mom, but I just keep going in circles in my head. I honestly don't know the best way to handle this. I guess we will try to get through supper first and see what happens. I hope she doesn't start asking me about boyfriends like she always does, I am not even sure I can make small talk through supper. Dad asked me to wait till after supper though and then we will tell her together. It feels like a "last supper" or something, like we both know this may be the last time we will be sitting together as a proper family and after this it will be shattered.

We are getting close to home and I can see my Dad looking over to me occasionally. He has been staying silent all the way, maybe just giving me time to myself. Every so often he reaches over and squeezes my hand to make me look his way and smiles at me, trying to reassure me.

"It will work out Santana, we will make it work." He finally speaks to me, I think he realizes how worried I am.

"I just don't know Dad, what happens if she hates me, if she won't accept me." My voice breaks with the stress and worry, I am barely keeping it together now. All the depression over Brittany is gone right now, it is buried under how anxious I am about talking to my Mom.

"I know that she loves you Santana, and even if she can't accept you right now, she may come around after she has some time to work through it. I am not going to rush things between all of us. If your Mom and I can't come to an agreement tonight I am going to ask her to stay with your Aunt Elena for a little while until we can work things out." Dad's voice is calm, but I can't hide the shock on my face as I realize he is actually going to ask Mom to move out if she can't accept me. I think he sees the panic in my eyes and interrupts before I can say anything.

"Santana, you need a home too, and you need a place where you can feel safe and happy. I told you before if your Mother forces me to choose between you and her, I will always choose you. My first priority is being your father, everything else is secondary to that. I am not going to stop trying to work things out with your Mother, I promise. I will even get us into family counselling before I do anything rash, so please don't worry about our family breaking up, I will do everything in my power to try and keep us together." Dad doesn't say it but I know he means as long as Mom is willing to meet him halfway, if she isn't willing to try to accept me then there won't be much more to say between them.

"I hate this Dad, why did I have to be like this, why couldn't I be normal. I don't want to lose Mom. Why couldn't I just be normal." The stress is starting to overwhelm me, I can feel my heart being torn to pieces inside, I don't want to lose my Mom. I need her.

"Sweetheart, you are normal, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. This is not your fault." Dad grips my hand tightly for a moment, his eyes are sad too, but I know he loves me so much.

Tears are streaming down my face again, this day is taking a lot out of me, I am crying every fucking minute all day. My life is in chaos, I lost Brittany, I broke up with Sam, everyone at school knows about me, fucking Karofsky is starting to pick on me, and now my Mom. I haven't even spoken with her yet and I know instinctively that she won't accept me. Too many veiled comments over the years, too many times she hasn't been able to hide her dislike for gay people.

I remember Kurt came over with Tina, Mike, Mercedes, Brittany, and fucking McCripple Pants one time and we were all hanging out practicing songs together. I miss those times, that was when I had the most fun in Glee club. It's funny how things work out that I ended up having so much fun hanging out with the geeky kids from the Glee club. When Mercedes and I got along, we could really sing it out together, and Artie and Kurt would improv sing around us while Mike and Brittany created dance routines. When we were away from Rachel, Quinn, Puck, and Finn we were like our own tight knit group and had a lot of fun together.

I can't remember what happened exactly during the evening, I think we were all joking around with each other and Kurt was mentioning how he wished he could find another boy who was out of the closet. We started to ask Kurt what kind of guys he liked, what his perfect boyfriend would be like. My Mom came in and the expression on her face was so disgusted, she could barely hide the anger in her eyes that we were talking about Kurt getting a boyfriend. She never said anything outright insulting, but once again there was that cold rudeness that she used on Great-Uncle Santos, Lydia, and Amanda. She said we all needed to call it a night and asked the others to head home. Looking back now I realize Kurt sensed it, he never visited my house again. Even though I live in the biggest house, after that we usually went over to Kurt, Tina, Mercedes, or Brittany's place. Maybe I sensed it too, I never tried to bring Kurt back to my house, I must have known deep down that my Mom didn't like him.

Where did I get some of the garbage I used to say from. Kurt and I did get along ok, but sometimes I could be a little nasty making digs at his sexuality. I never felt like I was being anti-gay and most times Kurt and I got along fine, but when I look back now I realize that it might look like I was anti-gay. Kurt usually let my comments roll off and he never seemed to be really hurt by anything I said. But it was hurtful, and I don't think I could have been as composed as he was if someone said the same things to me now. Maybe it was because I would usually stop if he pointed out to me that my bitchiness was crossing the line with him, deep down I liked Kurt and it made me feel bad after that I said stupid crap to him when I was angry.

But where did I get that attitude from, it wasn't from Dad. Dad would have grounded me or worse if he heard anti-gay slurs coming out of my mouth. I am sure some of it was from listening to other kids at school, but some of it was also from Mom. When it was just Mom and I together and she saw a gay couple walking on the street or at the mall there would be things she would say under her breath, and the disgust would be obvious on her face.

As Dad turns the car into our driveway my reverie is broken. This is going to be a difficult evening, and I am already starting to feel glad that Dad is sending me to stay at Rachel's tonight. I don't think I could handle a big fight with Mom, my emotions are overwhelming me and I need a break from this crap.

We both sit in the car for a couple of minutes getting our composure. Or maybe Dad is just waiting for me to get mine back. He looks grim now, like he isn't looking forward to what is coming, but he is determined to see this through. I think even if I wasn't ready to come out to Mom, he would force the issue, he wants this resolved one way or the other.

"Don't forget to put an overnight bag together when we get in Santana. I want you to do that first before we sit down to eat. I want you to promise me to leave the house when I ask you to, I don't want you to get caught up in our discussion tonight. Just focus on going to classes tomorrow ok." He holds my hand while his eyes are filled with compassion for me.

"Ok Dad, I promise I'll go when you ask." I can't hide the sadness in my voice, tonight is going to be hard no matter how overprotective Dad is of me.

"I'll call you tonight before you go to bed so leave your cell on, and tomorrow I want you to pick me up after work again." I know why he says this, he wants me to know that staying at Rachel's is only for tonight, no matter what he intends for me to be back home tomorrow.

"I'll remember to leave my cell on Dad, thanks." He gets a couple tissues from my Kleenex box and wipes the tears away from my eyes. I am sure I look red and puffy eyed, a complete and total mess. It doesn't matter to Dad though, he just pushes my hair away from my face and kisses me on the forehead.

After we get out of the car, I stop and put my hair into a tight ponytail, it's a bit messy and wild looking but at least the ponytail tames it a little. Nothing I can do about my eyes, they are going to be red no matter what I do, and I am going to keep forgoing makeup for now, I would just end up having to fix it every two minutes anyway.

Dad puts his arm over my shoulder as we walk toward the house and as he opens the door he whispers in my ear, "I love you Santana, no matter what."

"I love you too Dad." I whisper back looking up into his smile and the love in his eyes.

"Hurry up and get in here you two, supper is getting cold." Mom says to us from the kitchen.

Dad pushes me to the stairwell while he goes to greet my Mom in the kitchen. He wants me to stick to the plan I guess and pack some clothes before coming and talking to Mom.

"Mom, I just need to put things in my room, I'll be right down." My voice sounds hollow to my own ears but I don't think Mom notices.

"Ok sweetie, hurry up so we can eat." I hear her say from the kitchen.

It takes me about 5 minutes to throw a couple nice outfits together, in case I get slushied. Some more workout clothes for tomorrows track practice. Some PJ's and personal stuff from my bathroom so I can clean up later. I just leave Rachel's dress on, I can change into my PJ's when I get to her house and give the dress back then. At least tomorrow I will have my own spare set of clothes if I get slushied again, this dress really isn't my style at all. I run the bag out to my car and then head back in to have supper with my parents.

"Hi Mom, sorry about that, I have everything sorted out now." I give her a quick hug and kiss on the cheek before I sit down at my spot in the dining room.

"Why did you need to go back out to your car, did you forget something." Of course Mom is curious.

"I forgot to lock the doors, and my guitar was in there. I am going to Rachel's tonight after supper to practice some music." I try to keep my voice steady, so far so good, I don't think any anxiety is coming out.

"Have you been crying honey?" She sees the red puffiness of my eyes.

"Yeah, Sam and I broke up today Mom so it's been a rough day." There is a strange look that passes over her face when I say that I broke up with Sam, did she hear some rumours from other parents?

"Oh no! That must have been why you were so under the weather all weekend. I am so sorry you had to go through that Santana. Why did you and Sam break up?" My first temptation is to just blurt out because I am gay Mom. Of course I am not going to say that now, so I try to think of something else to say. Hmm, there is another truth and it won't be a lie.

"I found out Sam is still in love with his ex-girlfriend Mom and when I confronted him about it we agreed to break up." There and I didn't lie, just twisted the truth a tiny bit.

"I am sorry to hear that Sweetie. But who is going to take you to Prom now?" That's a bit out of the blue, I hadn't even discussed prom with her at all, I have been so depressed about Brittany and I that it hadn't even crossed my mind.

"Honestly Mom, I am probably going to skip Prom, I don't really feel like going while I am single." Keep your voice steady Santana.

"What about that Noah Puckerman boy, you used to date. He would look rather dashing in a tuxedo, you should see if he wants to take you." Once again that strange look on her face, why is she bringing Puck up anyway, I haven't dated him since September last year.

"He is in a relationship right now Mom, I am sure Noah is going to take his girlfriend Lauren to the Prom." I can see the disappointment on her face when I tell her this.

"Well I am sure one of the other boys will ask you, sweetie, there is still some time before Prom. You should talk to some of the other boys at school, or even that nice boy Finn Hudson." There is almost a desperation in her voice, like she is begging me to get a date for Prom.

"Really it doesn't matter Mom, I don't feel like bothering this year." I am trying to be a little more firm, I really wish she would drop this Prom discussion.

"Once you meet the right boy, you will probably change your mind honey." The strange look again, is she trying to make some kind of point here.

Alarm bells are going off in my head now, this push about finding the right boy is not what I expected at all. I think I'll try to change the subject and talk about something else.

"This supper is great Mom, the roast tastes amazing, you'll have to show me how to cook it like this sometime." I try to give her a sweet smile, but I just know it must look uncertain and forced.

"It really is excellent Isabel, I'm sorry we got home so late, Santana was nice enough to pick me up after I finished taking the Residents through their rounds." Finally Dad, what took you so long rescuing me from this torture of a conversation.

"I am glad you both are enjoying it, I wanted to have something special for all of us tonight. I know Santana was feeling down and I thought she would feel better if I made her favourite meal." She is smiling but there is a coolness in her voice at Dad's interjection. Looking back though I have vague memories that the coolness toward Dad has been there for a while.

Finally silence, I just focus on eating and hope we can get through supper without any more questions about taking boys to Prom. It's way too quiet now, there is a tension at this table and it's not just Dad and I, it's coming from Mom too. I think she may have heard something from another parent. I can't help this nagging feeling inside that Mom knows already and is trying to avoid or deny it.

"I'll clean up the dishes Mom. Thanks for cooking supper tonight." I get up and give her a quick peck on the cheek and start clearing the table.

"Thanks honey, I am glad you enjoyed supper." The coolness is there for me now too, I can feel it. Underneath the politeness of her words I hear that coolness from my Mom that she always has when she is upset or angry and just maintaining appearances.

It only takes me fifteen minutes to clear everything up and put the dishes in the dishwasher. Then we all head to the living room. It's strange how instinctive we all are, taking separate seats. Mom sits on the sofa, Dad in his favourite arm chair, and I take the loveseat. We are staking our positions out, not really together as a unit at all. Dad is on edge, he is waiting for the explosion he feels is coming. His chair is not pushed back like usual, he is upright and ready to stand up if he needs to. Mom is quite rigid as well, the tension is still here and none of us are looking forward to it.

"Where did you get that dress honey, I have never seen you wear it before, it's not exactly your normal style is it." Mom looks at the vintage sundress and the black belt I used cinching my waste with a little distaste for the lack of fashion sense.

"My friend Rachel lent it to me when I spilled something on my blouse." I need to tell her, but I am not ready yet, I am so scared.

"Was that the black silk blouse you were wearing Santana, I hope it didn't get ruined."

"I am not sure Mom, I am going to hand wash it tonight and see if it comes out ok." Arrgggh, this small talk is killing me, I just need to get this over with.

"I really hope you reconsider going to Prom sweetie, we can probably fix you up with a nice boy from Church who would go with you." Where is this coming from? Why doesn't she give this a rest?

"Really it's ok Mom, I just want to stay single for now and focus on school and getting ready for Nationals with Glee Club." Hopefully telling her I want to work hard at school will end this discussion about dates for Prom.

"I am not sure how I feel anymore about this show choir group you are involved with. It seems like too many of the problem kids at that school are in that show choir. You really should go back on the Cheerio's and then you won't have any trouble finding a boy to take you to Prom." Whoa, where is this coming from. Now I know for sure she has heard something.

I stop to look at Dad and I think he feels it too. We had this out ages ago when I quit Cheerio's about how mean Coach Sylvester was being and how much I liked being in Glee Club. One of the other parents must have called my Mom today. I am not even sure how to approach this. It was way easier with Dad even with all my crying at the time, Dad made me feel safe telling him. I don't feel safe at all right now, I feel like I want to run and hide. I am more glad than ever right now that Dad is going to make me go to Rachel's because I know I can't handle the disapproval that is going to hit me in a moment.

"Isabel, I think Santana needs to talk to us about something. Let's just give her a minute to collect her thoughts and then we can talk about it." Dad's face is grim now, he isn't even trying to pretend anymore, he is ready for a fight.

"Stay out of this Salvador, you are the cause of this more than anything, I'll be handling this now." Now Mom isn't cold anymore, she is icy. This is the voice I used to use at my bitchiest, and I know now I get it directly from my Mom.

Dad looks like he is about to respond, but then he collects himself and his face goes blank. He is in full control of himself, a million times better at holding his temper than I am. I probably get my temper from Mom too, I don't have Dad's self control. Dad gets up from his chair now and comes to sit beside me on the love-seat. Now we are truly are divided, Dad is sending a signal to Mom now, he is telling her outright that he has chosen and she isn't going to change his mind. Dad puts his arm around me while keeping his eyes on Mom.

"Santana, say what you need to say, it's time sweetie." He holds me close now trying to pour his strength into me so that I can get through this. There are tears starting to come down my face, but I am not wracked by sobs like I was with Dad. This is more like a deep sorrow and regret that I may be losing my Mom.

"Mom I need to tell you something, I have been thinking about it for a long time now and I have come to realize that I am a lesbian." As soon as I see the flash of disgust in her eyes I look down into my lap, I can't look at her disapproval, it hurts too much.

"NO you are not!" She shouts, "You are just confused from hanging out with those show choir outcasts and that homosexual boy. Once we pray about this and get you the right counselling you will be back to normal." Her voice is very firm, even though my Dad is obviously glaring at her, she doesn't break in her resolve.

I am a little angry now myself, it took me so much effort and hell to come to terms with this. I look up at her and into her eyes and I see the anger on her face. She isn't looking at me at all, she is staring daggers and hate at Dad. Dad was right she blames him. Mom blames him for having friends who are gay, and for having an uncle who is gay, she thinks Dad made me gay.

"It has nothing to do with the kids from Glee, Mom. This has been a part of me since I was a child, I have always liked girls more than boys, I have always been a lesbian." The tears have stopped now, I am too angry to cry anymore, and the edge of anger is in my voice.

"I will not have any more of this lesbian talk. You are not a deviant Santana, you are just confused. There is a counselling and education center that can help you to become normal again." She directs all her anger at me right after I said that I am a lesbian. Mom tries to stare me down, but Dad just holds me tight, and I feel strong enough to stand my ground with Dad beside me.

"Santana, I think it is time for you to go visit your friend. I will be calling you later, leave your cell on." Dad gets up from the love-seat and pulls me up with him. He intends to end the discussion right here, the moment she talked about the re-education center stuff that was the clincher for Dad. For all the anger I see in Dad's eyes, he kept his voice very even and compassionate to me. Just firm, reminding me that I promised to leave when he asked me to.

"No Salvador! She will be staying right here so I can get her the proper help she needs. I will not have her associating with those deviants from the show choir any longer, they have obviously been a bad influence and I am putting a stop to it now." Mom gets up from her chair and tries to grab my arm before I can leave the room.

"Isabel back off now. If you don't back off immediately we are over and there won't be any more discussion. Sit down and wait for me to come back." Dad points at the sofa and his eyes are angry now and it is truly frightening. Mom blanches at the look on his face and backs away from us.

"I am taking Santana to her car and I will be right back to discuss this." With that he turns and Dad holds me tightly as we walk through the house and outside to my car.

"Are you ok to drive yourself Santana or do you want me to get you a taxi?" His voice is even again, compassionate again, he is not angry at me.

"I can make it Dad, Rachel only lives a few blocks away." Tears are streaming down my face now, the anger has dissipated and now I am just filled with anguish, I think I just lost my Mom today.

Dad turns me to face him so I can see the love in his eyes. He kisses me on the forehead and pulls me tight into his arms. Finally after a minute he breaks and just rests his hands on my shoulders.

"Santana, it's going to be ok. I love you more than anything and we are in this together, no matter what. This is not your fault, please don't beat yourself up over this. You need to love yourself as much as I love you, and I love everything about you Santana. Do you hear me sweetie?" His voice breaks a little with his worry, I can sense how worried he is about me.

"Yes I hear you Dad. I love you too, I love you so much." I grab him so tight, I want to stay with him, but I understand now why he wanted me to go to Rachel's. Mom isn't going to drop this, I can see now why Dad didn't have much hope for this working out, he must have had arguments like this with her before about Uncle Santos and Lydia, when I wasn't around.

"Leave your cell phone on so I can call you. Call me if you need me and I will come right away. I want you to come to my office as soon as you get out of classes and Glee club tomorrow so we can talk."

"I will Dad."

"I love you Santana, my beautiful girl. I'll call you about 10 PM before you go to bed." He hugs me kisses my forehead.

"I love you so much Dad." He smiles down at me and kisses me one more time, then starts walking back toward the house.

I see Mom looking out in anger from the living room window at us. All I see is disapproval on her face. I am sure there is a part of her that probably loves me, but right now all I see is the disapproval.

I turn and wave at Dad who is standing on the outside stairs waiting for me to drive away. I focus on the love in his eyes. For tonight the last thing I want to remember is that my Dad loves me, I don't want to think about anything else. I smile sadly at him and wave as I pull out of the drive way. I can see him mouth to me _I love you Santana_ and I do the same in return _ I love you Dad_ then pull away as I drive to Rachel`s house.

My family is shattered and I cannot stop crying...


	12. Chapter 12: A Night of Friendship

**Title:** Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 12: A Night of Friendship

**Character(s):** Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Rachel Berry, Sam Evans, Hiram Berry, Leroy Berry

**Rating:** T for language, possible triggers for abuse, bullying, and depression.

**Genre:** Angst/Hurt/Comfort/Coming Out

**Outline:** This is a story that is about Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will include Brittana at some point but Brittana is not the main focus of the story.

**Description:** Santana is dealing with intense depression over Brittany and accepting that she is a lesbian. Santana told her parents that she is a lesbian. Her Dad is supportive and accepting; however; her Mom was very angry and her parents are now fighting about what is going to happen next for their family. Santana's Dad asked her to stay the night at Rachel's because he didn't want Santana to be hurt by the arguments between her parents.

_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

_**Thank you for the reviews. I love hearing from everyone so please feel free to give feedback and suggestions.**_

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**AUTHOR NOTE - STORY CONSISTENCY ISSUES**

_**Relationships (Brittana and Pezberry): **__ Santana will have love interests other than Brittany in this story. She is not going to sit waiting and pining for Brittany to break up with Artie. I consider Brittany and Santana to be soulmates but sometimes fate doesn't always work out the way it should._

_Initially I promised to not pursue Pezberry but as I am writing this story I am finding it impossible to completely avoid it. I find when I write that sometimes the story and characters take a direction I didn't intend. As Rachel and Santana become closer friends, their relationship angst is also driving them to seek solace from each other as they are both intensely lonely as I have been writing them. I don't intend Pezberry to be an endgame relationship but I may pursue it in some chapters before I pursue Brittana._

_**Santana's Characterization:**__ I am basing Santana off her speech to Brittany in "Sexy". Santana clearly stated that being in the closet and hiding her feelings about Brittany was the driving force for a lot of her anger. As she comes to terms with being a lesbian Santana is slowly changing into the girl she is when she was with Brittany. Santana has always been very sensitive and cried easily, and now dealing with her depression she is very emotional. Santana isn't just struggling with love for Brittany and coming out as a lesbian, in this story she is struggling with intense depression._

_**Story Pacing:**__ This story takes place after the events of "Sexy" and "Original Song". Regionals took place on Friday. For four days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) Santana went through a period of intense depression which is alluded to in the story and described in Chapter 3 through flashbacks._

_Chapter 1 through 12 all occur on the Tuesday following Regionals. At first it wasn't my intention to have so many things happen in one day, but as soon as I made the choice to start the bullying at school while Santana was also dealing with depression I knew it would force a lot of confrontations with friends and family. She had 2 1/2 weeks since the confrontation with Brittany in "Sexy" where she has just been hiding and avoiding everyone and getting more and more depressed._

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_**Previous Chapters:**_

_Chapter 1: Rumors - Rachel Berry told Santana that there were rumors about her sexuality going around the school. Cyber bullies had defaced Santana's Facebook and MySpace so she had Rachel delete them for her._

_Chapter 2: A Running Confession - When going for her morning jog Santana meets up with Sam who is practicing for the track team. She finally finds the courage to tell him the truth and they break up but agree to remain friends._

_Chapter 3: The Black Time - While jogging Santana begins to remember the events of the weekend where she became so deeply depressed that Rachel and her Parents were worried she might commit suicide._

_Chapter 4: Alone - Santana faces Brittany and asks her for space before she can go back to being friends again. Karofsky attacks Santana with a Slushy and insults her, he scares Santana with how much he obviously hates her._

_Chapter 5: The Bitch is Back - Lauren Zizes convinces Santana that she needs to do something to show Karofsky that she won't allow him to bully her. The two girls decide to slushy him to teach him a lesson._

_Chapter 6: Regrets - Santana speaks with Mr. Schuester after the slushy incident and faces her regrets over the relationship with Brittany and the mistakes she made by not coming out sooner to try and save the relationship._

_Chapter 7: Realizations__ - On her way to Dalton Academy to see Kurt, Santana looks back on her relationship with her father and realizes that he may have always known may be gay, and he has supported her._

_Chapter 8: Reflections and Ducks - Santana spent some time on her own reflecting on her relationship with Brittany and her Parents._

_Chapter 9: Coming Out To A Friend - Santana tells Kurt and Blaine that she is a lesbian. Kurt and Santana discuss the bullying at school and how to tell her friends and Parents. Santana agreed to start going to LGBT meetings with Kurt, and Kurt is going to help Santana tell her friends in Glee Club._

_Chapter 10: A Talk With Dad - Santana meets her Father at his work (the hospital) and tells him that she is a lesbian._

_Chapter 11: Shattered - Santana and her Father go together to tell her Mother that she is a lesbian and it ends in her parents fighting with each other. Santana's Father asks her to spend the night at a friend's house so that she doesn't have to hear them fighting. _

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**Chapter 12: A Night of Friendship**

How did I get to Rachel's driveway? The drive to Rachel's house was a blur in my mind. All I know right now is that my car is parked in Rachel's driveway and I am too upset to move. Mom hates me. I can't stop crying. When I reach for the Kleenex box I glance at the dashboard clock flashing 7:45 PM and I can't understand how so many things could happen to me in one frigging day. I found out I am outed at school, I broke up with Sam, Karofsky started in on me, I told Kurt about me, and I told my parents I am gay. My Dad was cool about it but my Mom either hates me or is just disgusted with me.

My family is shattered and it's all my fault. I know Dad wouldn't want me to say that, he would tell me over and over that it isn't my fault that my Mom is so hateful toward gay people. The truth is though that only yesterday we were still a semi-happy family, at least I thought we were. Maybe that isn't how Dad sees it though, maybe he saw a husband and wife going through the motions until their daughter graduated from high school.

Every time I think about my Mom and remember the hateful disapproving look on her face I just start to cry again. Why is this happening to me? Why couldn't I be straight? Why am I gay? What cruel joke is God playing on me that made me gay. Before today I was so intensely afraid of the label, afraid to say it out loud, and afraid to love Brittany in the open light of day. Now my whole world is collapsing around me and I honestly don't know what to do. The whole school knows about me now, I came out to some of my friends, I came out to my parents, and what do I get out of it? Nothing but endless heartache, shame, and torment.

I don't get the love of my life because she loves someone else and can't hurt him. Nope, Brittany couldn't hurt Artie, so instead she took a fucking dagger and stabbed me in the fucking heart. I want to scream at Brittany for doing this to me. She begged and pleaded with me to share my feelings with her. She used all her power over me to get me to open up my heart and expose it to her. Then she took a knife and stabbed me and this pain won't go away.

I can't stop crying...

The blackness is still there, it's like an enemy that won't die, I feel it with every breath I take. I hope to God that I don't end up having to take drugs to deal with this, I know deep down that I am more depressed than I am willing to admit. I put on a good face for some people but it's getting harder to keep up appearances. My armour has been seriously broken by the chaos after I admitted my feelings to Brittany, and I am naked and exposed. The love of my life has broken my heart, my family is shattered, and everyone knows my secret, everyone knows I am a lesbian. The blackness is coming and it is going to swallow me up and never let me go...

Blackness, endless blackness. I want to sink down into it and never wake up. I am so tempted to drive my car away from Rachel's house and keep driving till I find some way to let the blackness swallow me up forever.

Before the blackness can come again my car door opens suddenly and I feel Rachel Berry's hand on mine. Without a word Rachel leans inside to unlock my seat belt and then grabs hold of my hand to pull me up out of the car. She is a lot stronger than I thought she would be. She pulls me up from the car seat and into her arms and just holds me tight as I sob into her shoulder. Rachel knows my moods a lot better now, she knows when not to say anything, how to wait till I am ready to talk. She is the most socially inept person that I know, but Rachel Berry can read me like a book now. All I can do is cry into her shoulder and struggle to keep the blackness from overtaking me.

Rachel must have been waiting outside for me this whole time. I know Rachel still isn't sure what to make of our little attempts at friendship, I have been one of the sources of misery for her at McKinley and now I am suddenly turning to her every time I am overwhelmed by pain. I owe this annoying little diva so much it hurts me to think of how mean I have been to her. Sure I never slushied her myself, but I goaded Puck to slushy her a few times back before I joined the Glee club. Worst of all though I have never stopped cutting her down every chance I can get, insulting her, and train wrecking her love life. What I did to her back in December at Sectionals, I can barely think about it without breaking down. After everything Rachel has done for me in the last three weeks I owe her a debt I can never pay back.

Rachel Berry has been a better friend to me than Quinn Fabray ever was, not as good as Brittany, but definitely a close second. This annoying girl who makes my head hurt with annoying speeches stayed with me through a weekend where I was drowning in a black ocean of depression. She stayed in my fucking bedroom with me the entire fucking weekend. I know why she did it too. Just like my parents, Rachel thought I was going to kill myself and she wouldn't leave me alone until she was sure I was out of the blackness and back into the light again.

It takes all my will power to hold it together, to keep the blackness at bay. I am holding Rachel so tight now, I need her friendship so badly it hurts. Before I can tell her what I am going through I have a flash of memory to the weekend before...

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_**Saturday Afternoon during the Black Time**_

_For the last few hours Rachel has been trying to get a response out of me while all I do is sit crunched up in a ball on my bed staring blankly at the walls of my room. It's surprising that there are no posters of boys in my room like there would be for other girls my age. I have a few posters of art, some tasteful pictures of female beauty, Lilith Fair posters, and a few female singers I like. These are the only things on the walls of my bedroom and it's no wonder Rachel Berry thinks I am a lesbian._

_Several times today Rachel has asked me about being a lesbian or being gay, at least she waits until my parents can't overhear us. I think Rachel hoped I would react, get mad, and say something. But it just makes me even sadder. It makes me remember that if I had only admitted back in September that I had feelings for Brittany then everything would be better now, I would be with Brittany and I would be happy._

_Now Rachel is talking about her feelings for Finn and how much it hurts her to see him with Quinn. Rachel tells me how much Quinn hurt her before Regionals, and the cruel things that Quinn said. I didn't know about that. Queen Bitch Quinn pulled a real number on Rachel, it even inspired Rachel to write her song "Get It Right" about all the pain and hurt she felt._

_The conversation turns to me now, and there is a deep profound hurt in Rachel's voice as she talks about how I have hurt her over the last two years. The mean comments on her MySpace and Facebook, writing on the bathroom walls about her, the insults to her face, and the constant digs in Glee club against her. But more than anything the one thing she is afraid to talk about finally comes out before she can stop it._

_"Santana why did you sleep with Finn?" Her voice trembles with emotion as she asks me this question._

_I am barely lucid and the question is so out of the blue that I have no idea how to respond to Rachel. How can I tell Rachel anything when all I feel is despair and I am struggling to find the will to go on living. I can barely breathe, and every breath I take is filled with loss. I miss Brittany so much and I don't know if I can go on without her in my life. After I saw Brittany kiss Artie at Regionals, it was the last straw, I can't take anymore..._

_I didn't know how to answer Rachel then, I was too caught up in my grief for Brittany so I remained silent as I had through most everything she said to me that weekend. But I remember this moment because I remember the expression on Rachel's face, she was devastated by what I did to her and Finn and she was struggling with trying to forgive me..._

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_**Present Time - Tuesday Evening**_

"I don't deserve your friendship Rachel, I am so sorry for everything I have done to you." I back out of her hug and lean against my car. I can't even look her in the eyes I am so ashamed of how I have bullied this girl for the last two years. I have bullied her constantly and still she keeps trying to be my friend. How could I possibly deserve this after everything I have done to her.

Rachel is silent for a long time, she has been holding back for a while now, too afraid that I would shatter if she tried to confront me about hurting her all the time. Finally I hear her take a deep breath as she tries to decide what to say.

"What do you want me to say to you Santana?" Her voice is neutral, she isn't sure what to say to me.

"I need you to forgive me Rachel, I need one good thing in this day, I need to know that you at least forgive me." My voice trembles as I say it, I didn't imagine for a moment when I drove to her house that we would talk about this. I can't go into her house until I apologize first, I can't keep asking her to be my friend until I at least try to be her friend too.

"Why are you bringing this up now?" She steps back from me and I can feel how angry she is, this is all the anger she has been carefully hiding from me for days, walking on eggshells around me. I knew it wasn't gone, she was trying to be the mature one, she was trying to help me, but she never stopped being angry with me.

"Because Rachel, you asked me on the weekend over and over why I hurt you and I never answered. You didn't think I remembered, but I remember everything you asked me. Ask me now, before we go into your house, ask me here and I will answer. I want to be your friend Rachel, and I know I have hurt you, I want to give you something back and the only thing I can think to give you is my honesty." My voice breaks and there are tears streaming down my cheeks, this is the most difficult thing today, but I need to do this. I need Rachel Berry to be my friend, and I need her to forgive me.

When I look up I see Rachel's eyes are suspicious, her first instinct is to believe the worst about me, that I am a manipulative bitch who just wants to use every opportunity to hurt her. All the self doubts she shared with me over the weekend trying to get me out of my stupor, all her words are coming back to me now, and I know that we need to have this conversation.

"Fine. Why did you sleep with Finn?" Her voice is filled with anger and I can see rage flashing in her eyes.

"He didn't like it Rachel." It comes out broken, I say the first thing that comes into my head.

"What the hell Santana, just tell me why you fucking slept with Finn." Rachel is truly angry now, I have rarely ever heard her swear in all the time I have known her. There is fear there too, a secret fear, a fear that she doesn't want to hear the answer. Anger wins, Rachel pushes me back against the car, her eyes flashing intensely as she looks into mine.

"Finn didn't enjoy sleeping with me Rachel, it was probably the worst sex he will ever have in his life. It was short, uncomfortable, and I made him feel like crap after. I didn't even sleep with him to get at you, you were with Jessie at the time, I was actually doing it to hurt Quinn because I was jealous about Puck." I don't know if this will make her feel any better knowing that she wasn't even part of my plans at the time.

"When I asked him if he thought you were prettier than me he wouldn't answer." Rachel's voice is filled with hurt, not just from me, but from Finn too.

"That's because Finn is an idiot Rachel. I might look hot in my Cheerio uniform, but there is a reason that Finn likes you and Quinn, because both of you have that wholesome good girl look. Did you ever see Finn date me? We had sex one time and then he wanted nothing to do with me, what does that tell you? You know as well as I do that Finn hates me." Thinking back on this makes me wince inside at how much of a bitch and slut I could be sometimes. Sleeping with Finn just to get revenge on Quinn and Rachel, just the thought of it makes me shudder with the shame I am feeling now.

"Why did you bring it up at Sectionals? Why did you break Finn and I up?" Anger again, hurt, and Rachel is crying now, she loves Finn almost as much as I love Brittany.

"Because I was jealous of everyone being happy and I wasn't. I was stupid and afraid. I was afraid of being open with Brittany, and I knew even then I only wanted to be with her. Watching her with Artie was driving me nuts, but I had already tried to break them up once and I couldn't do that to Brittany again. As much as it hurt me to see them together, I just couldn't bring myself to meddle in their relationship again. Brittany was so hurt when I got Artie to break up with her the first time, and I just couldn't do that to her a second time, so I just let it go on and on and got more and more angry and upset." My voice breaks now, talking about Brittany is bring all the despair back, but I need to tell Rachel the truth, this all comes back to my feelings for Brittany, all of the things I have done are linked to my feelings for Brittany.

"Rachel I told everyone I slept with Finn because I was so angry and jealous over Brittany that I just wanted to hurt everyone around me. It's not just you, look what I did to Sam and Quinn just a few weeks ago. When I suspected that Finn and Quinn were having an affair I deliberately gave Finn mono so he would give it to Quinn, and Sam would see that they were having an affair. Once again because I was jealous that everyone was happier than I was. I didn't want any of these guys, I just wanted everyone to be as hurt and alone as I was."

Rachel didn't even know about the Mono thing and I can see the disgust flash across her face as she realizes how far I went to go after Quinn, Sam, and Finn. I can't even look at Rachel anymore, I am so ashamed of myself and all the stupid bullshit I have been pulling for the last two years, all just to pretend to be straight and to hide from the fact that the only person I love is Brittany.

Rachel is quiet for a really long time, mulling things over in her head, trying to decide how she wants to take this. I think we are both crying, but I can't bear to look her in the eyes, I am too ashamed. I hear Rachel walk up to me and before I can look up or even react. WHACK! Rachel slaps me across the cheek as hard as she can.

"You really are a bitch Santana, I can't believe how cruel you are sometimes." Her words cut into me like a knife, but I can't say anything to this, she is right.

"I can go Rachel, I don't deserve your forgiveness, I'll just go." I can barely talk through my sobs, why did I have to start this conversation. I don't even think about slapping her back, I deserve everything she dishes out and I know it.

Before I can get into my car Rachel pushes me back against the passenger door, reaches inside the driver's door to grab the keys from the ignition, and puts them in her pocket.

"You aren't going anywhere Santana Lopez! I might be angry at you right now, but I am not letting my friend drive around while she is upset." Rachel puts the emphasis on the word friend and it surprises me enough to look into her eyes and even though there is anger there I also see compassion too.

"I really am sorry Rachel, sorry for being such a bitch all the time, sorry for breaking you and Finn up, and I am so sorry for all the times I helped Quinn bully you." I whisper through my sobs, I feel so alone all the time and I desperately need Rachel's friendship right now.

"You didn't really break Finn and I up, I did that by running to Noah when I was angry. Finn told me over and over that he only went out with you because I was with Jessie, and I just didn't want to listen to him. I wanted to hurt him back so I asked Noah to come over to my house. It was actually Noah who stopped it from going further, he was one who realized how badly we were hurting Finn by hooking up. Noah actually walked out on me, I wasn't going to stop. I think I was actually considering sleeping with Noah to get revenge on Finn." There is so much pain and regret in Rachel's eyes as she tells me of what she did to hurt Finn. As sad as I am for her, it's also nice to hear that I am not the only one who makes mistakes in relationships.

"Rachel, he still cares about you, I see him every day looking at you and Quinn like he can't make up his mind. He is just a stupid boy who can't make up his mind." I can feel the bitter smile pass across my lips as I realize that this isn't the first time I have told someone that boys are stupid. I said the same thing to Brittany about Artie.

"I can't stand the thought of him with Quinn, I hate her so much sometimes. The worst part is that is partly your fault too, you broke Sam and Quinn up." Rachel punches me in the arm to emphasize that she is still a little mad, but it isn't hard and she is actually smiling sadly now. "I wish I had boxing gloves here at the house or something, I feel this overwhelming desire to smack you around Santana." She hits me again lightly on my arm, but now she really is smiling.

"I don't know your kind of tiny Rachel, I could probably just sit on you and the match would be over." I am actually smiling now, I feel lighter inside, the barrier between Rachel and I is fading.

"Hmmm, Santana, I think if you want me to properly forgive you that you should go to Mr. Schuester and tell him that I should have all the solo's till the end of the school year." She is smiling and I think she is kidding. It's hard to tell with Rachel when it comes to Glee Club, I am sure deep down in her diva heart she would love for me to give up all the solos.

"Sorry Rachel, I like you and all, but I am singing the solo at Nationals." I stick my tongue out at her now and she takes another swat at my arm before I can jump out of the way.

"I think you are delusional as usual Santana." Rachel sticks her tongue out at me and gives me her innocent doe eyed look.

"I really am sorry Rachel." My voice is only a whisper now as I wait expectantly, I just want to know that things are really ok between us.

"Are you going to be a bitch to me at school?" She is firm now, these are going to be Rachel's rules for us to be friends.

"Not any more than I am to anyone else, I can't promise I won't be sarcastic sometimes that would be impossible." Rachel smiles at me, I think she knows that being sarcastic is too much a part of me to ever stop. "I can promise you I will treat you like my friend no matter who is around. I am done caring about what people think of me or the people I hang out with. I am done with all the popularity crap." Not that I have much choice, my rep was tanked the moment everyone found out I might be a lesbian, not much to do now except own it.

"Thank you for being honest with me, it really does mean a lot. I forgive you Santana." Rachel grabs me again and hugs me tight for a minute. When Rachel pulls away I see guilt on her face for the first time tonight. Rachel looks me in the eye and says, "I am sorry I said that you would end up working on a pole, that was totally uncalled for, it was cruel and I shouldn't have said it. Can you forgive me Santana?"

"I was really hurt when you said that to me Rachel. Probably more hurt than you thought I would be. After everything I have said to you in the past though, I can sort of understand why you took your shot when you could get it. So yes I forgive you, but you better not ever say anything like that to me again." I can't hide the hurt in my eyes over the stripper comment. I am trying to resolve things with Rachel so I am not going to tell her how long I was crying after she said that in front of everyone in Glee club. I am no saint, as cruel as her comment was I know I have done worse, so I can forgive her and put this in the past.

"I promise I won't say something like that to you again. I was really ashamed of myself afterwards because I should know better and my Dad's would be really angry with me if they found out I said something like that to another girl. Thank you for forgiving me Santana." Rachel pulls me into another tight hug and of course I am crying again.

Damn it, am I ever going to stop frigging crying all the time? I feel like an emotional wreck and I can't seem to get any balance back these days. It's not like I didn't cry a lot before the whole thing with Brittany three weeks ago, but ever since that day my emotions have been constantly raw and I am crying almost all the time.

"We should go inside Santana. Sam should be here pretty soon." Rachel breaks our hug finally, deciding it's time that we get focussed on music practice. Typical Rachel she is definitely a workaholic when it comes to music.

"Your right and I do want to take a quick shower before Sam gets here so I can get the slushy out of my hair." I reply and run my fingers through my hair feeling the stickiness that is still in some parts from the damn slushy.

"I am keeping your keys Santana, I know you had a rough day, and you are safe here for the night ok?" Rachel asks me gently. I can see the worried frown on her lips as she remembers how she found me distraught in my car.

"Yeah, it's ok Rachel. But don't hide them someplace, we have to drive to school in the morning and I don't want to waste time looking for keys. I promised Coach Beiste I would be at track practice in the morning." I am trying to put a smile on my face but it's too hard. I hope I can relax after I get a shower. "Rachel can you open the trunk and get my bag and guitar out. I'll just grab my purse and we can go inside." I reach into the driver's side to grab my purse and lock the car doors while Rachel gets my bag and guitar out of the trunk.

"I really am surprised that you play guitar Santana. I wish you had told me sooner because it would be nice to have a girl to practice songs with instead of having to ask Noah to help me." Rachel smiles at me as she closes the trunk.

"I am not that good yet Rachel, I have only been playing for a few months. You can always ask Sam you know, instead of Puck." I can't help but smile a little, I still want to get Sam and Rachel to go to Prom together. They might as well have fun at Prom since I won't be having any fun at all, if I even go.

As we walk into the house Rachel's Dads are waiting for us. I still can't get over the fact that Rachel has mixed racial fathers one black and the other white. It's not like we all don't know who Rachel's biological father is, her white dad is short and very typically Jewish looking, it's way too obvious. I have to think for a moment to remember their names Leroy Berry and Hiram Berry. I was a little confused at first on how to address them when they came to our house for coffee but Leroy and Hiram always tell everyone to use their first names.

"Hi Santana, your Dad called earlier to let us know you would be staying tonight. I hope you're doing ok." Leroy actually pulls me into a hug as I walk in the door. One thing I can say about Rachel's Dads they are very loving guys and aren't afraid to show affection at all.

"Thanks for letting me stay tonight Leroy and Hiram, I really appreciate it." I smile at them both sadly. I am sure Rachel has told them about what is going on with me, I don't think she keeps secrets from her Dads. What the hell, I think I will just plunge in and see how they react, at least I know they will accept me without a second thought. "I told my parents I am a lesbian tonight and my Mom didn't take it very well." Yep, just like I thought they already knew, they aren't even surprised to hear me say it. Of course it could be my Dad already talked to them, I'll ask Rachel later if she told them.

"It's always hard telling your parents Santana. I know when I told my parents back in the day neither of them could accept it, they actually disowned me. Of course that was an older generation too and my parents were pretty strict Jews." Hiram says as he pulls me into a hug as well. I guess I should be thankful my Dad cares about me so much, at least I have one parent that accepts me unconditionally.

"I think the hardest part is just having it come out so quickly. I think I needed some more time to come to terms with everything is all. But once the rumors started flying around school I had to tell my parents fast before they hear it from someone at work or Church." Hiram keeps his arm around me as they walk Rachel and I into the kitchen.

"It will all work out Santana, and you know you can come over and talk with Leroy and I any time you need advice. You are always welcome at our house." Hiram's words and the kindness in his voice almost start me crying again. I really don't deserve all this kindness from Rachel and her family, it's a little hard to accept that Rachel's Dads could be so nice to me after the way I have treated their daughter in the past. Maybe Rachel doesn't tell her Dad's as much as I thought.

"Your Dad isn't going to let anyone hurt you Santana, I know that for a fact. He came over on the weekend to talk to us about what he could do to help you come out to him. He was really worried about you." Leroy smiles kindly at me as he speaks. I think I like him best, he has such a kind face.

"Thank you so much. It really means a lot to me." My voice is breaking again, too much darn crying, and of course I have tears in my eyes again. Bleh, I am an emotional mess, and I must look like a total mess too. Leroy and Hiram both pull me into a hug while Rachel smiles at them fondly, no one can ever say that Rachel doesn't have a loving family, her Dads are pretty awesome.

"I better have my shower, I need to clean up a bit before Sam gets here to help Rachel and I practice for tomorrows Glee." I smile up at them both as they let me go. I do feel safe here, I am glad Dad told me to stay with Rachel tonight.

"The basement bathroom is just down the stairs and to the right." Hiram smiles and points to the basement staircase. "I guess Leroy and I will watch TV upstairs tonight so you girls can use the Oscar room for singing practice."

"Thank you again Leroy and Hiram." I say as I make my way to the stairs and on my way to the basement bathroom.

"Do you need anything from your bag Santana?" Rachel asks, she followed me down and waits by the bathroom door holding out my bag.

"Yeah, just my PJ's, slippers, and toothbrush. It's ok if I use your shampoo and soap right Rachel?" I ask her as I take my things from the overnight bag.

"Yes, that's fine. I'll grab you some big towels too and set my hair dryer on my bed for you." She replies and heads toward her bedroom.

While I am getting undressed in the bathroom, I hear Rachel knocking on the door before she opens it. "Santana, Here are the towels and a couple facecloths." I am a little startled that she walked right in while I am naked. Rachel seriously needs to learn a little social tact, it must be the only child thing I guess.

"Holy Rachel, boundaries, seriously." I say as I grab one of the towels to wrap around myself.

"Oh, Sorry Santana. I thought when girls have a sleepover that it's ok to see each other." Rachel replies shyly. Seriously I can't figure Rachel out sometimes, she is really stuck in her 12 year old way of thinking sometimes.

"You do realize I am gay right?" I flash her a wicked smile. The shocked expression on her face is worth it, she looks hilarious.

"Ummm, oh right, sorry Santana. I just didn't think you would think about me that way." She looks like a scared rabbit when she says it, it's way too funny.

"I am just messing with you Rachel. You only startled me is all. I think I am just used to cheer camps and stuff where people usually wait before coming in." Mostly because I used to chew people out if they tried walking in on Brittany and I. Girls at cheer camp were always scared shitless by me. I drop my flirty look to reassure her.

"Ok, well I will go wait for you in the Oscar room. If Sam gets here while your showering I'll just get him to practice some music with me." Rachel says as she backs into the hallway.

"Thanks Rachel. Talk to you in a few minutes." I say and wave as I close the door.

I look at my face in the mirror, my eyes are so red and puffy, I really don't look anything like my normal self at all. There are red marks on my cheek from where the slushy ice actually cut me a little. It's nothing that a little foundation can't hide which is a small blessing at least. Once I have the hot shower going it feels amazing to just let the water rush over me and I can stop thinking about my problems for a few minutes. I do have to hurry up though, I can't forget that I asked Sam to come over and help Rachel and I practice music. It's a relief to be clean again, I am sure there was still a little bit of slushy crap on my skin and in my hair, it feels so nice to have my hair washed again. I hope I don't get slushied again tomorrow, this is going to be a pain in the butt if it happens every day.

After I have dried off and have my hair wrapped up in a towel turban I suddenly realize which PJ's I brought with me. Crap, I brought the cute baby duck PJ's that Brittany gave me for Christmas. It was second nature, whenever I feel upset I always wear things that Brittany gives me. Sam and Rachel are going to laugh at me for sure when I come out, I always joke about Rachel looking like she is 12, I am sure I don't look any better in these PJ's. Of course I also grabbed my duck slippers too. I definitely look like I am 12, I can't believe I grabbed these cutesy things when I packed this evening.

I am starting to cry again now, wearing these things reminds me so much of Brittany. I miss her so much, and I can remember her expression whenever I opened a gift from her, she always made me put things on right away so she could see me and take embarrassing pictures of me. I always had to beg her not to put the pictures up on her Facebook, the last thing I needed was for pictures of me in cute baby duck PJ's getting out all over school and totally ruining my HBIC reputation. I miss my girl so much, I don't know if I can go on without her, it hurts so much.

I stop in Rachel's bedroom to put my cleaning stuff in my bag and to hang her sundress on her door so she remembers to wash it. I'll take the hairdryer to the Oscar room so I can talk to Sam and Rachel while I dry my hair. I can hear Rachel and Sam in the Oscar room singing, Sam playing guitar, and Rachel probably on the piano. I hold back outside so I don't interrupt their playing and just listen.

_**Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol  
**__Songwriters: Quinn, Jonathan; Lightbody, Gary; Connolly, Nathan; Wilson, Paul; Simpson, Tom;_

_We'll do it all  
Everything  
On our own_

_We don't need  
Anything  
Or anyone_

_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?_

_I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel_

_Those three words  
Are said too much  
They're not enough_

_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?_

_Forget what we're told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden  
That's bursting into life_

_Let's waste time  
Chasing cars  
Around our heads_

_I need your grace  
To remind me  
To find my own_

_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?_

_Forget what we're told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden  
That's bursting into life_

_All that I am  
All that I ever was  
Is here in your perfect eyes  
They're all I can see_

_I don't know where  
Confused about how as well  
Just know that these things  
Will never change for us at all_

_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?_

I always thought Sam didn't have any game, but if he managed to coax Rachel into singing this song with him maybe he has a little more game than I thought. After the song ends I can't help but think that maybe Sam and Rachel would be a great couple they sing so well together. I think Sam loves music more than Finn does and Sam would be a much better compliment to Rachel than Finn. Even though Rachel thinks she loves Finn now, maybe it's simply because Finn was her first boyfriend. I am tempted to meddle and push these two people, my friends, into a relationship, but then I realize how much I love Brittany. I can't expect Sam and Rachel to get over Quinn and Finn if I am not able to get over Brittany. I'll give them a nudge to go to prom together but otherwise I think I better stay out of it.

"Pretty good you two, I bet you would really surprise everyone if you sang together in Glee Club." I smile at them as I walk into the room. I have to laugh they are both looking at my pink and blue PJ's covered with baby ducks and my duck slippers and they are pretty much speechless.

"Nice PJ's Santana." Rachel is openly laughing at me now. This is so embarrassing. I can't believe I packed this cutesy stuff.

"They were a present from Brittany ok. So drop it Berry." I glare at her for several seconds before I start laughing too, it is kind of funny.

"Well I personally think you look hot Santana." Sam smiles at me. "You look cute." The bastard takes his frigging iPhone out and starts taking pictures of me.

"For God's sake Sam, if those pictures get out I swear I will tear you a new one." Of my course my glare has absolutely no effect at all. It's hard to take a girl in baby duck pyjamas and slippers very seriously. He just smiles and keeps taking pictures of me.

"Sam make sure you send me some copies of those, I want to make sure I have material on Santana to keep her in line." Rachel gives me her bitchiest smile.

"Definitely Rachel, we need to keep her in line somehow, now we have the best blackmail material ever." Sam answers. Funny how neither of them think my being a lesbian is something to blackmail me over. Nope, pictures of me in duck pyjamas, just what I needed.

"Just don't broadcast this around school, either of you, I have a rep to protect." I give them both my best bitch glare, which is completely useless in these PJ's because they are both laughing at me now. I can't expect these two to be threatened by my HBIC attitude while I am wearing cute baby duck pyjamas. Why couldn't I have grabbed the basic stuff from my dresser. I think instinctively I reached for something that would connect me to Brittany. I can feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes as I think about Brittany, damn it, I need to get over these emotions they are killing me.

Rachel notices that I am starting to get sad again and she gets up to pull me toward a chair beside the piano so Sam doesn't notice that I am on the verge of crying again.

"I have the music sheets ready for you Santana. I went on the Internet and got an acoustic version of Born this Way for you. I also have a couple of YouTube videos ready if you want to watch them before we run through the song." Rachel shows me on her laptop and starts playing the first video so Sam is distracted from looking at me. Rachel gives my shoulder a quick squeeze before taking the brush and hairdryer out of my hand to help dry my hair while we watch the videos.

For the next 90 minutes Rachel, Sam, and I work through the music several times. Sam goes over the chording with me until I am able to play the song passably. He is going to play it with me and Rachel will play piano when I sing it, that way I can focus on singing and not worry about making guitar mistakes. I am glad I asked Sam and Rachel to help me with the music, it's a nice distraction from my problems to just practice different ways to sing and play this song. It's nice to forget about my problems for a couple of hours. Rachel gets me to try a few different vocal exercises to relax my throat after all the crying. I can tell she thinks I am going to be rough tomorrow no matter how much I prepare, all the crying I have been doing for the last few days has strained my voice a little.

"I have to go call my Dad, and I guess you should head home Sam, we all have to be at track practice tomorrow morning." I set my guitar back in the case sadly, I wish we didn't have to get up so early tomorrow.

"Rachel are you coming to the practice too?" Sam asks surprised.

"Santana is making me come if I want a ride to school, so I guess I will be there. I don't think I will be able to get on the track team but at least I can go for a jog before school starts." Rachel is still hesitant about coming along I see.

"It won't hurt for you to try out Rachel, you might even surprise yourself and get accepted on the team." I tell her as I am walking toward the doorway. I turn to look at them before I leave the room.

"Seriously you both would be great together at prom, you should really think about going together." I quickly leave the room before they can respond to me and run to Rachel's bedroom to call my Dad.

The phone rings several times before my Dad finally answers.

"Hello sweetheart." His voice is weary, I can tell, but he sounds glad to hear from me too.

"Hello Dad. Are you doing ok? I really miss you." I can't help but be sad again as I think about my Dad and how it has gone with Mom.

"I miss you too Santana. I am doing ok sweetie, your Mom and I are still talking about everything." He sounds stressed now, it must have been a rough night between them.

"Do you think she is going to come around Dad?" I know I sound scared now, but there is no way I could hide this fear.

"Probably not right away sweetie. Your mother and I are going to talk for a little longer tonight but I think she is going to stay at her sister's house for a few days. We will talk again later and see how things are." Dad's voice is shaky and I desperately wish he didn't have all of this on his shoulders. I think he instinctively senses my uncertainty when he says, "Santana it isn't your fault ok. Please remember that. I know that your first thought is to blame yourself, but you have to stop and remember that your mother had issues before you came out to us. This is absolutely not your fault, your only concern should be learning to accept yourself, leave your mother to me ok."

"I'll try Dad, its hard though, I wish I had more time to prepare her for this." I wish I wasn't outed to the school already, I needed more time.

"I know you feel it isn't fair sweetie, but remember God has a plan for everything, and even though things are difficult now, they will get better. Have faith, know that I love you no matter what, and together you and I will be strong for each other." I can feel the love in his words and it does make me feel better. My Dad truly loves me and he accepts me.

"I love you Dad." It's all I can say as the tears come down my cheeks again, I just love my Dad so much for supporting me through this.

"I love you too sweetheart. Now you should get some rest for school tomorrow. Don't forget to come to the hospital to pick me up. We can go to Breadstix together for supper." Dad knows exactly what to bribe me with to make me feel a little better. Running joke of our house is how much I love eating at Breadstix.

"Goodnight Dad, I'll see you tomorrow after school. Love you." I know my voice is sad, I can't help it through the tears.

"Buenas noches mi querida hija." My Dad only speaks in Spanish to me occasionally, but it has always been a tradition for him to say this when he tucked me into bed at home. "I love you Santana." He says as he hangs up.

I feel so lonely without my Dad. I wish I were home and he was with me in my bedroom right now. I wish I could be a little girl again and my Dad staying with me till I fell asleep. I wish that I wasn't gay and that I didn't bring this chaos into our family. I need to stop thinking like this, Dad would not be happy if he knew I was thinking this way. I need to stop wishing I wasn't gay. Dad is proud of me, I need to try to be proud of myself for him, I need to show my Dad that I can be proud of who I am, that I can be proud of being a girl, a Latina, and a lesbian.

"Santana, I am going to head home, did you want to walk me out to my car with Rachel." I hear them come up behind me into Rachel's bedroom. Of course my face is visible in Rachel's dresser mirror so they can see I am crying again.

"I am sorry I am such a mess guys. I just..." My voice catches in my throat as I try to express how hard this is for me.

"It's ok Santana, we both understand you are going through a rough time. More than anything I am glad that you trust us to let us help you through all of this. I am sure I speak for Sam too when I say that you mean a great deal to us and we are here for you no matter what." Rachel and Sam both sit on either side of me on the bed putting their arms around me.

"Definitely, I am with Rachel on this Santana. Oe frakrr lu nga 'eylan." Both Rachel and I turn to Sam when he starts speaking Na'vi.

"Oh my God Sam you are such a geek sometimes." I can't help but laugh at him.

"Just trying to get a laugh." Sam gives us both his goofy trouty mouth smile.

"At least it wasn't Klingon, that would be completely inappropriate for the situation." Rachel has to put her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.

"Mmbb" I cover Sam's mouth before he can start giving us a speech in Klingon.

"Stop it you goof, otherwise I might need to make up another song about your pretty lips." I give him my best bitch smile.

"Seriously if you ever sing that song again Santana I will spank you in front of the entire Glee club, I promise." Sam glares at me. I suppose I can't blame him the song was pretty insulting.

"Ok, ok, I won't sing it again. We should do a group recording of 'My Headband' instead." Brittany actually made Rachel record it for her and played it so many times, I know that stupid song off by heart now.

"Drop it Santana, it wasn't that bad of a song for a first effort and I think I made up for it when I wrote 'Get it Right'." Rachel sounds a little offended so Sam and I give her a hug.

"'Get it Right' was a great song Rachel and you won Regionals for us. 'My Headband' is silly, but it isn't as bad as you think, and it's certainly better than 'Friday'." I get a laugh out of both of them when I say that, seriously "Friday" has to be the worst song ever recorded.

"On that note, I suppose I should drive home and get some sleep. Walk me out girls." Sam gets up and pulls Rachel and I up from her bed.

"Goodnight Hiram and Leroy, thanks for letting me come over." Sam says and waves to Rachel's Dads as we head out. I will give the boy credit, he does know how to suck up to parents.

"Goodnight Sam, drive safely." Leroy and Hiram say as we go out.

"Goodnight Rachel." Sam pulls her into a hug, and hmmm was that a quick peck he just tried to hide from me. Maybe Sam has more game than I thought and they did have some time together while I was in the shower.

"Goodnight Sam." A blush on Rachel Berry's face, looks kind of promising. I will stay out of it, I will stay out of it. Damn I have to force myself not to meddle.

"Goodnight Sam." I pull him into a tight hug. "Sorry about all the crap I put you through, and thanks for being such a good friend." I whisper into his ear.

"All is forgiven Santana, just remember I am here for you, you let me know if anyone messes with you at school." He pulls back a bit to look me in the eyes, obviously he knows about the slushy incident.

"Yeah, sorry for not telling you about the slushy today, I ran into Lauren Zizes and she kind of helped me handle it." I grin at him, it was fun hitting Karofsky with a slushy, he is the first person I ever slushied and it felt great getting him back.

"Well, keep your eyes out Santana, he will probably try to find a way to get you back. I remember how much of a dick he was to Kurt and I don't want him to start hurting you." Sam's voice and eyes show how worried he is for me.

"I don't think he will hit me like Kurt, I think Karofsky might hold back to just words and slushies because I am a girl." My voice is uncertain. I really don't know if Karofsky would hit me or not, he backed down today, but that could have been because I wasn't alone and Lauren was with me.

"We are all in this together, all of Glee. This is no different than when Kurt was at McKinley. The only way to stop this is to keep up a united front and I am sure everyone will be on your side after we talk to them tomorrow Santana." Rachel is obviously feeling a little left out of the conversation, she is starting to give speeches.

"I agree, tomorrow at Glee you can tell everyone and then we can make a plan with the entire group to handle this. I am not going to let you get bullied out of McKinley Santana, I refuse to let it happen a second time." Sam's voice is very firm now. I never realized till now how personally he took it that Kurt had to transfer out. But I remember too that Sam was Kurt's staunchest defender, he had a huge fight with Karofsky over Kurt.

"Enough worrying about idiots tonight. We all need some sleep for tomorrows track practice. Time for you to head home tough guy." I give Sam a kiss on the cheek and he kisses me on the forehead. Weird we really are sort of turning into almost a brother and sister kind of friendship. Maybe I can be friends with a boy and not screw around with his head.

"Ok goodnight you two, see you in the morning at track practice." Sam waves and gets into his car. Before I can do anything to stop it he rolls down the car window and takes out his iPhone and takes more pictures of me and Rachel.

"Damn it Sam, I swear if those pictures show up anywhere other than with you and Rachel you better move out of town because I will be coming after you." I give him my best HBIC eyes and of course the pest just laughs at me.

"Goodnight girls." He grins at me as he closes his window and drives off.

"Come on Rachel, stop mooning over the boy and lets head inside to bed." Ha, another blush, they must have had an interesting talk while I was in the shower and singing that romantic song with each other. Rachel always did get mushy whenever a boy sang a song with her. Finn, Puck, Jessie, and now Sam. The secret to Rachel Berry's heart is to sing a romantic duet. I just hope she doesn't get hurt again, I would hate to feel that I caused it by pushing her and Sam to go to Prom together. Who else would they go with though other than each other, they might have ended up going together whether I helped them along or not. I guess all I can do is stay out of it, I need to just be Rachel's friend, and not try to be the manipulative bitch playing everyone all the time. It's ok to fix up your friends with someone for a date, so there is nothing to feel guilty about, whatever happens from here is between Rachel and Sam.

"So where is the guest bedroom Rachel?" I ask as we head to the basement.

"You can sleep in my room Santana, I..." There is a look of concern in Rachel's eyes as she says it, maybe a part of her doesn't think I should be alone tonight.

"You don't think I should be alone tonight." I guess and see from her face that I am right.

"Yeah, I know things are rough for you Santana and I think I would feel better if you just sleep in my room, I don't think you should be alone tonight." Rachel says carefully.

Normally all this compassion and concern would probably drive me nuts, especially coming from Rachel. But she is right, when I close my eyes I can feel that blackness still there so it probably is a good idea to be with someone else tonight.

"I just hope you don't snore Rachel, I swear I will smother you with a pillow if you keep me up all night, I needs my beauty sleep." I grin at her. "I'll be right back, I just need to get my guitar and I'll turn everything off in your Oscar room." I push Rachel toward her bathroom as I head to the Oscar room.

After I turn all the lights off in the Oscar room except the one at the entrance I can't help but feel like I want to sing something still. I miss Brittany, I just can't stop missing her. My heart is aching so intensely and my chest and ribs hurt from all the crying I have been doing lately. Even though it's getting pretty late, and I should really go to bed, I can't help but pick up my guitar again. I am thinking of something else I want to play...

_**Jason Walker - Down lyrics**_

_I don't know where I'm at  
I'm standing at the back  
And I'm tired of waiting_

_Waiting here in line,  
Hoping that I'll find  
What I've been chasing._

_I shot for the sky  
I'm stuck on the ground  
So why do I try?  
I know I'm gonna fall down_

_I thought I could fly,  
So why did I drown?  
You never know why  
It's coming down, down, down._

_Not ready to let go  
Cause then I'd never know  
What I could be missing_

_But I'm missing way too much  
So when do I give up  
What I've been wishing for?_

_I shot for the sky  
I'm stuck on the ground  
So why do I try?  
I know I'm gonna fall down_

_I thought I could fly  
So why did I drown?  
You never know why  
It's coming down, down, down.  
Oh I am going down, down, down_

_I can't find another way around  
And I don't want to hear the sound  
Of losing what I never found._

_I shot for the sky  
I'm stuck on the ground  
So why do I try?  
I know I'm gonna fall down_

_I thought I could fly  
So why did I drown?  
I never know why  
It's coming down, down, down._

_I shot for the sky  
I'm stuck on the ground  
So why do I try?  
I know I'm gonna to fall down_

_I thought I could fly  
So why did I drown?  
Oh it's coming down, down, down._

When I finish the song I realize that Rachel is in the shadows of the doorway leaning against the wall. She was singing softly with me and she is crying too. I know she isn't crying because I am sad, I think we are both crying together because we are both missing someone. I miss Brittany, and Rachel misses Finn. Rachel Berry and I make quite a pair of lovesick schoolgirls, it's no wonder we are ending up friends, we are both hopeless sappy romantics hung up on people who don't want to be with us.

"Enough sad songs for tonight, I really shouldn't have done that, sorry Rachel." I give her a sad smile as I put my guitar away.

"It's ok Santana, I think it helps to cry sometimes, I really know what you are going through." She puts her arm through mine as we turn off the last light and walk to her bedroom.

We look so different in Rachel's mirror. Even though Rachel and I are both petite girls, I look a bit slimmer and proportional. I guess it's just because I have been involved in dance, cheerleading, and gymnastics since I was 8, so I have a very athletic body. We are both dressed in cutesy pyjamas, although Rachel's are just a solid color, a nice yellow that looks good on her. I am the one that has baby ducks all over her pyjamas, damn I look beyond silly right now. I can't help but blush a little in embarrassment again, why did I bring these cutesy pyjamas tonight. Brittany, because they remind me of Brittany. There is a pained look on Rachel's face as she looks at the two of us side by side in the mirror.

"What's wrong Rachel?" I ask her as I guide us over to her bed to sit down.

"You are prettier than I am." Her voice breaks as she says it, and I remember our fight earlier when she told me that Finn kind of implied that I am better looking than she is. Of course it's the stupid boy's fault, I swear Finn needs a good slap to get him to smarten up, he is such an idiot.

"Seriously Rachel you are prettier than you think you are. I know Quinn and I get on our case about your looks but honestly you have boys wanting to get in your pants all the time. Look at Finn, Puck, Jessie, and now even Sam is sort of wanting to get with you. Don't worry about all the crap Quinn and I used to throw at you, it's all jealousy Rachel. Quinn and I might be a little bit prettier than you, but we were always jealous of you, especially because with your talent you pretty much have a guaranteed ticket out of this hell hole of a town. The only thing you need to change is maybe upgrade your clothing choices a bit and get out of those god awful ugly sweaters you wear all the time." I smile at her hoping my words will cheer her up.

"I want to get a nosejob." She blurts it out to me and I can see she is still crying.

"Why would you want to do that? You're the one whose idol is Barbara Streisand and I know you have told me that story about Barbara being told to get a nosejob and how Barbara told the guy to stick it where the sun don't shine. You are pretty Rachel, all the guys have said you are, the only thing Quinn and I ever really have over you is we dress a bit better than you, and of course we looked super hot in the Cheerio uniforms. You would look pretty hot yourself in one of those uniforms." My words don't seem to be helping, she still looks really sad.

"I don't know Santana, every time I look at the mirror I just can't see myself as pretty as you and Quinn. I see my nose and I think I am ugly and I hate it. Finn keeps leaving me to go with either you or Quinn and I think it's because you are both prettier than I am, and I hate this, why can't he choose me, I treat him better than Quinn does, why does he keep choosing her over and over." She is crying really hard now so I grab her some tissues.

"Let's lie down Rachel, we can talk in bed." I think we are going to be talking for a little while so might as well at least relax while we do. I think I know now why Rachel wanted me to stay with her tonight, it wasn't just to make me feel better, I think she desperately wanted to talk to someone about what is bothering her. I push her down on the bed while I turn out all the lights and climb in on the other side and turn to look at her.

I kind of find her cute and attractive like this, her hair frames her face in the shadows and she really is very pretty, and she looks so vulnerable from crying. Oh my god I am such a lesbian, seriously I am actually getting a little hot looking at Rachel Berry. I am not going to act on it of course, Rachel is way too much drama to date, and honestly I am pretty confident that she is 100% straight. I can't help but smile at her, the thought of dating Rachel is a little horrifying and hilarious, we are both divas and I can imagine we would kill each other.

"Take it from the gay girl Rachel, you are a lot prettier than you think you are, you don't need a nosejob to compete with Quinn Fabray." I smile at her as I grab her hand under the covers and just hold it.

"Are you flirting with me Santana?" Wow, Rachel Berry is actually blushing at the thought of me flirting with her.

"God no! Seriously Rachel if you were gay the last people you and I should date is each other, we would kill each other in a week. We are both too stubborn, too much drama, and too much ego. It would be bad. Look at the people we are attracted to, Finn and Brittany, who are a hundred times calmer than both of us." I can see her smiling sadly now, at least she is starting to cheer up a little.

"We both dated Puck though, so we do have similar tastes sometimes." Rachel replies in a soft voice.

"Well, that's not completely true is it. I am gay, so more or less I was pretending to date Puck, you're the one who actually had a thing for him." Ah I got a giggle out her now.

"You never liked any of the boys at all?" She asks me seriously now. It's a good question actually and I am sort of glad we are talking about it.

"Well I haven't been with as many boys as most people think, I slept with 3 boys total. Jason was my first boyfriend and we had sex one time and we were both virgins so it wasn't very good, we broke up a few days later. Then there was the one time with Finn and that was awful for both of us, believe me. I think that's partly why Finn dislikes me so much, I think he hates that his first time was with me and that it was terrible. I am sure in hindsight he wishes he had saved himself for you Rachel." As I tell her these things I can see the hurt in her eyes, but also maybe a little hope too, that I am right about how Finn sees me.

"Do you really think so?" I can hear the pleading in her voice and I wish I could give her the reassurance she needs, but I think the only one who can ever do that is Finn.

"All I can tell you Rachel is that the experience was bad for Finn. After he asked me why it didn't feel good and I actually told him it takes like 20 times before you can feel anything. God I am so gay it's not even funny." When I tell Rachel this I can see her smile at the irony of Finn losing his virginity to a lesbian who doesn't really like boys.

"What about Puck? You dated him for a long time, you must have liked him a little bit." Rachel asks me in a soft whisper.

"That relationship was complicated and not complicated. I knew that Puck slept around, so he stayed with me because I tolerated it. Maybe the reason I tolerated it is because deep down I didn't care about his sleeping around as long as while we were at school he appeared to be my boyfriend." It sounds confusing even saying it, and the more I think about it I wonder if I ever liked Puck at all or was I just using him because he didn't ask a lot of questions or pressure me to be committed.

"You mean a beard don't you?" Rachel's reply actually shocks me, I didn't even think of it that way myself but looking back it sounds like it.

"I am not sure truthfully Rachel. If anyone was a beard for me it was probably Sam, and I didn't sleep with Sam. I did sleep with Puck, but I rarely enjoyed it, and most of the time it felt really uncomfortable for me." I pause as I try to collect my thoughts about the past. "I am going to tell you something but I want you to promise not to tell anyone, especially Puck, I think it might hurt his feelings if he found out." I ask her very seriously now.

"I promise Santana, I won't tell anyone about anything you say. I know I talk a lot, and I over-explain things, but I do know how to keep secrets. I never told anyone about you confirming that you were gay and I didn't discuss your sexuality with anyone, not even my Dad's. They actually found out from your Dad when he came over on the weekend. I know I made that Sapphic comment in Glee club, but honestly I thought it was obvious you and Brittany were involved, I didn't understand why no one else could see it." Rachel explains to me.

"Don't worry about that Sapphic thing, you aren't the only one who suspected Brittany and I were involved. I know Mr. Schuester and Lauren Zizes both thought the same thing as you. I only got mad at you because I was still trying to deny it to myself, I probably still would be denying it if it hadn't gotten out at school." I can hear the wistful sound in my own voice, I wish I had more time to come to terms with being gay.

"What happened with Puck?" Rachel asks to try and get things back on topic.

"Puck is the most experienced boy I ever dated. As I am sure you already know he is a bit of a man whore and he gets around. That reminds me Rachel, if you ever decide to sleep with Puck, make sure you make him use a condom, that boy gets around and I wouldn't risk having unprotected sex with him." I am sure the slightly disgusted expression on my face drives the point home to Rachel. "Anyway, Puck is experienced enough to know how a girl enjoying sex should sound and act like. He realized after a while that I was faking it most of the time and that I very rarely had an orgasm when I was sleeping with him. I think he was starting to put two and two together about Britt and I too, because a lot of times I would drag her along into a threesome with Puck." I can see by the shocked expression on Rachel's face that this is way out of her league. "I can stop if this is a bit too graphic for you Rachel." I say to her humorously.

"Umm, well, you can go on, it's ok really." Rachel kind of stammers a little, but I can also see that she genuinely wants to hear this stuff. Probably morbid curiosity about the train wreck that is Santana Lopez. Either that or she just wants to know more about sex, poor little virgin girl that she is.

"Usually the only time I had an orgasm with Puck is when Brittany was with us and I think he was starting to get suspicious. He never outright confronted me about being gay, but he did confront me about faking it all the time. He was really hurt because I think he actually takes a lot of pride in being good in bed, and I was taking that from him every time we slept together. Finally he told me our casual dating was over for good just a little bit before he started up with Lauren." My voice is sad as I say these things, but the sadness isn't about Puck now, it's about what happened when I didn't have a boyfriend. "You know Rachel I never told you this but when Kurt was getting bullied and all of you girls told me I wasn't needed at the meeting because I didn't have a real boyfriend and you told me to leave, that really hurt my feelings a lot. It wasn't about not having a boyfriend for me, it was that you all thought I wouldn't care about Kurt to want to discuss it with you. I know I was bitchy most of the time in Glee club, but I really loved being part of the group and you all really hurt me when you excluded me like that. I wanted to help Kurt as much as all of you, I didn't want him to leave McKinley either." I start crying as I say these things. I never realized till just now how much they hurt me when they excluded me that day. I think deep down I knew even back then I was gay, and even though I was hiding in the closet I was still really worried about Kurt and wanted to try and help him.

"Oh Santana, I am so sorry about that, I know I can be just as bad for being mean sometimes. I am really sorry I hurt your feelings by trying to exclude you." Rachel pulls me in close to hug me.

"It's all in the past Rachel, but I think the reason it hurt so much is that on that day you confirmed my worst fear. If I admitted my feelings for Brittany, I was afraid that everyone would reject me, even the Glee club. Kurt could sort of be one of the girls sometimes, but all of you were so caught up in having boyfriends, and here you all confirmed my worst fear that I wasn't worth anything if I didn't have a boyfriend."

"That's not true Santana, and I am really sorry that we gave you that impression. You are worth something without a boyfriend, and without a girlfriend for that matter. You are a talented singer and dancer, you help make us the group that we are. I was really proud of you at Sectionals, you were amazing when you sang Valerie. I know I get jealous about the solos a lot, but its only because I really see you, Mercedes, and Quinn as competition and I get mad when you get chosen to sing over me. Music is all I have Santana, you and Quinn are way better looking than I am, you used to have the Cheerios, you are so popular, and all I have is Glee club. I think I get mean to you sometimes because I feel like you are all taking away the only thing I have, and there is nowhere else I can compete with you." Rachel's voice breaks under the pressure from all her insecurities.

"You are pretty Rachel, and you worth more than just your singing. You proved at Regionals that you have the potential to be an amazing song writer. You are a skilled actress and performer. And I swear to you Rachel if you let yourself get stuck in this damn town after graduation, if you don't end up in New York or LA after high school, I will hunt you down and smack you." I pause to consider something. "I know what Quinn said to you before Regionals was very cruel, but there is truth in it too Rachel. You have so much talent and potential, you need to be careful not to tie yourself down to a boy from high school. Of all of us, you have the potential to be truly great Rachel, don't squander that by pining for boys from Lima Ohio." I am not sure if she hears me. I guess I can understand, if the roles were reversed and Rachel was telling me to get over Brittany so I can move on with my life, I probably wouldn't listen either.

"I love him Santana, I know he loves me too, I can feel it every day. But he keeps choosing Quinn all because she is so much prettier than I am. Maybe if I got a nose job it would help." Rachel's voice is filled with uncertainty.

"Getting a nose job isn't going to make you any prettier than you already are Rachel. It will be a mistake, and I can tell you from experience that it is a mistake. I got a boob job last summer." I blurt it out before I can even think to reconsider telling her. "I was so self conscious because I was smaller than you, Brittany, and Quinn. I think a part of me was thinking that maybe if my breasts were bigger I could actually get a real steady boyfriend. It was the worst mistake of my life Rachel, I should never have gotten it done. My Dad was so upset with me for doing it, he had originally forbid me from getting it done. I went to my Mom and convinced her to take me to get the operation without my Dad. It's only been 8 months since I got it done Rachel and I am already thinking about having it reversed. At least with the boob job thing I can potentially get them removed, but a nosejob is truly permanent and I think you would regret getting it done." My confession rushes out, I am so embarrassed to admit that I did this. Now I am crying again. I did so many stupid things while I was pretending to be straight, and now this dumb boob job is probably my worst mistake.

"Oh no Santana! You were always one of the prettiest girls at school, you didn't need to get something like that done. I noticed you were a little bigger this year, but I just thought it was like a growth spurt or maybe just a really good push up bra. Did it hurt a lot when you got it done?" The curiosity in Rachel's question tells me that she is still thinking about getting the nose job.

"Yes it does hurt, and I am sure a nose job is going to hurt too. There is recovery time, and the doctors will even tell you there is a potential that it won't turn out right. You could go get it done and end up having them botch it. Getting a boob job was the worst mistake I ever made Rachel, and I regret it every day now. Look at me, I did something stupid to try and get boys, but now here I am realizing I don't even like being with boys and that I like girls, so how fucking stupid was that? Please promise me you won't get it done, you don't need a nose job Rachel. You are just as pretty as I am, and I guarantee if you let Kurt and I help you pick out some better clothes you will have all the guys at school drooling over you every day." I can't help but sound self hating as I give her this speech. Of all the dumb things I have done to stay in the closet, the boob job thing is probably the dumbest.

"I'll think about everything you said Santana, I really will, it's just that..." Her voice catches with longing and sorrow. Damn Rachel and I make quite a pair with all the angst we have for people who don't want us. "Why won't he choose me Santana, I know he still cares about me, why does he stay with Quinn?" Rachel is crying again as she talks softly in my arms. I hate the way that Finn has been playing Rachel, he is leading her on with his hand holding at Glee practices while getting it on with Quinn. He is such a jerk dangling both Quinn and Rachel along.

"You know Rachel sometimes I want to walk up to Finn and knock that goofy grin right off his face. He makes me so mad the way he is dangling you and Quinn and using you against each other. He acts all sweet and innocent, but he is almost as bad as Puck. First Finn breaks up with you because you kissed Puck and you were actually honest with Finn and told him right away. Then Finn sets out to break Sam and Quinn up. I know I am partly to blame for that too, but honestly Rachel I could have stayed out of it and I think Sam and Quinn would have still ended up breaking up because of Finn's manipulations. I know you love him, but he isn't as innocent as he pretends to be." My voice rises with anger, maybe I am turning into an angry lesbian now, or something, for some reason thinking about Finn makes me want to take a baseball bat to his head.

I am so used to directing my jealousy and anger at Rachel and Quinn that I don't think I really looked at the crap the boys pull on us. The more I listen to Rachel's insecurities over Finn and Quinn the more I am beginning to think that the real problem here isn't Quinn at all but actually Finn. There is no good reason that Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray shouldn't be friends, they have more in common than anyone in Glee club, they are both kind of wholesome and a little prudish. The only reason they aren't friends is because they are competing for the same stupid boys. Boys suck. Holy even in my own head I sound so gay, Kurt wouldn't be able to stop laughing at me if I told him about this conversation with Rachel.

"Rachel Berry I want you to remember something right now. You are attractive and pretty. But you are a lot more than that. You are the most talented girl at McKinley High and someday you are going to be a famous actress and you will look back at all this high school bullshit and wonder why you ever cared what anyone at this hole in the ground of a town ever thought of you. I can't tell you to stop pining for Finn, but let yourself be open to moving on if you meet someone." I hold her eyes with mine as I talk to her seriously and I can't help but thinking how pretty Rachel really is.

"Santana, if you get to give me speeches, I get to give you one too." Rachel pauses for a moment to gauge my reaction and I nod for her to go on. "You need to accept that there is nothing wrong with Santana Lopez who is a lesbian, there is nothing wrong with her and that is not all she is. Santana Lopez is a star cheerleader, a talented singer, and I know for a fact that she is an honor roll student. Someday you will probably be a doctor, a lawyer, a writer, or even a singer in your own right. There is nothing wrong with being gay Santana, nothing at all, and you are special in so many ways." Rachel pauses to wipe the tears from my eyes that her words have brought forth. "Don't totally give up on Brittany yet, I think you should be open to moving on with other girls too, but don't cut her off completely. You need to try to keep your friendship alive. The only way Brittany can choose you is if you give her the option of making the choice, so don't cut her off and make her think the choice is gone."

"It's so hard Rachel, I can't stand watching her with Artie. Every time I see them together it breaks my heart. The worst part is that I drove them together in the first place, they are only together because of my stupid closet crap." I start sobbing into Rachel's arms as I say this.

"Brittany loves you too Santana, I think the only reason she chose Artie was because she didn't trust you. That is the part you have to work on, you have to prove to Brittany that you are proud of loving her in the way that Artie is proud to be her boyfriend. She knows you love her, but she doesn't know if you will be willing to stand up and show everyone that you do." Rachel holds me tight as she whispers these words into my ear. I am sure she said similar things to me over the weekend but now they really drive home.

"I guess it all comes back to coming out to everyone and accepting myself. Even Kurt said that was the first step." I still hate the label, I still hate saying that I am a lesbian to everyone, but like Lauren, Rachel, Kurt, and even Sam keep telling me, I have to own it, if I am going to survive everything that is coming I have to own it.

Rachel and I fall asleep not long after that, we are both exhausted from the long day and the emotional confessions to each other. I didn't think that I would end up with close friend like Rachel Berry, but maybe that is also something I needed and that I have been missing. After talking tonight I realize that Rachel and I have a lot in common with each other, we are both intense and dramatic, we both get way too emotional in relationships, and we are both lonely a lot of the time...

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_Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only._

_**Thank you for the reviews. I love hearing from everyone so please feel free to give feedback and suggestions.**_


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